13 Pakistanis you will meet in US colleges

Meet the Desi Princess, The Alcoholic, The Royal, The Revolutionary and many more.

This post refers mostly to the, gently put, “fresh off the boat” Pakistani students studying in the States. Some might be a mix of multiple categories, and some none.

I’m not sure if the same kinds of Pakistani students are at every campus, but these are the ones I’ve come across on a few campuses across the States:

1) The Princess: So you may have been the best looking girl in your elite school’s class of 20 or so kids, but you’re pretty average looking on this campus of thousands of students. It might be time for a reality check... or a hair straightener?

2) The Alcoholic: Welcome to America, where the booze is as endless as the food is in Lahore. There's an excuse to drink and celebrate every day in this kid’s world.

Naan in the cafeteria? I’ll drink to that!

Least favourite IAFF professor going out of town for Monday’s lecture? Clink, cheers!

Zardari's birthday? Rounds on me!

3) The Pennsylvania: This kid was miraculously born in America but has no recollection of his/her time spent here. When you ask them where they’re from, they’ll throw out some unknown town in Pennsylvania or Ohio.

"I’m an American citizen, I was born here.”

Congrats on knowing the Constitution, but you still pronounce your v’s like w’s brah.

4) The Royal: He confuses unassuming goras into thinking he comes from the non-existent royal family of Pakistan.

“Man, I hate doing laundry. In Pakistan I have a driver, 4 maids, 3 cooks, 2 chokidaars- you know vhat a chokidaar is right?”

His maid even has a maid.

5) The Homesick: Aw, can’t make fun of the bichara. He just misses sneaking cigarettes with his boiiz, going on long drives, and spending every waking moment with his 17 second and third cousins.

6) The Connection: “Man, can’t believe we got in trouble for veed. In Pakistan I can do whatever I want. I’m the great-nephew of Chaudhary Jootaywala.” “Who’s that?” … Silence.

This is the underaged kid who thinks he can go to any club without an ID and just charm the guard, or tell him who his second uncle twice removed is and get inside.

7) The Starer: He knows you’re Pakistani. He’s Pakistani. Instead of creating conversation... you’ll just stare at each other.

8) The Holder: You can’t blame this kid. Pakistan has left an enormous imprint on him. Despite being plastered on Thirsty Thursday, this trooper always makes it to Jummah. Hungover... but holy.

9) The Foodie: This is my favorite kind. This one is always down to get chicken korma or mango kulfi anytime, anywhere. No distance is too great, no time is too late.

10) The Good Kid: This is the type of person your parents want you to be friends with. Actually, this is who you should be. This kid hangs out with the straight-edge goras, because much to his dismay, all Pakistanis are corrupted. They can be spotted in the library, in the dormitories, or... the library. If they don’t have exams, they may be at MSA meetings too.

11) The Revolutionary: “Man, America is great. The power never goes out, the girls are hot, the streets are clean. I’m going to make Pakistan like this.” Good luck.

12) The Music Major: His parents tell everyone he’s becoming an engineer. Little do they know, little Bilal is becoming B-Pak and trying to “create a dynamic fusion between eastern instrumentals and western rock and roll”.

13) The Indian: Perhaps its because of a lack of Pakistanis on campus, a reluctance to share your drinking habits with fellow countrymen, or maybe just love for the neighbors, the Indian is a Pakistani who believes 1947 never existed. "We're all the same man." They can be found at bhangra practice, distributing pamphlets for the ISA, or grabbing some langar with the Sikhs. The Indian knows no borders.

You’re sure to encounter at least a few of these in their four, maybe six year college careers.

If you have come across others not mentioned above, feel free to comment.