5 Annoying things my daughter-in-law does
On the two days that she is home, my daughter-in-law (DIL) will lock herself in her room — with my grandson — and sleep for hours. She won’t come out till midday. This is neither a dorm nor a hotel room, young lady!
2. The takeover
It took me years, maybe decades, to get the house to look a certain way. It’s only been one year since DIL moved in but she has already rearranged the entire house and brought in new furniture. And I can’t stand the new look! Why do we need uncomfortable sofas, cushions everywhere, and lamps that barely give any light?
3. The mess
I refrain from walking into her room without asking, but even if I pass by it in the morning, I can see clothes thrown around everywhere, every cupboard flung open and my son’s socks strewn in the room like confetti.
4. The hermit
She never wants to visit my relatives which means my son and grandson can’t visit them either. She’s always either sick or busy at work. I love how that’s never ever the case when it comes to her own family’s lunches and parties.
5. The fake charisma
We’ve had the same driver, cook and maid for years, but ever since she moved in, they are constantly at her beck and call. So whenever I need the car, the driver has gone to take mem sahab for shopping, when I need some help in the kitchen, cook’s busy preparing mem sahab a late breakfast and when I need the maid for something, she’s cleaning up her messy room.
Published in The Express Tribune, Ms T, December 9th, 2012.
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@Cynical: "This is such a shallow piece and is making me angry for more than one reason."
I am sure this thing did not make 99% of the readers angry. You decided to become angry subconsciously.
@Anisa (and anyone who's interested on this blog):
I'm sorry but I totally disagree with most of what you said. BUT, that could be because the joint family system doesn't really exist here in the states. As it shouldn't. It's an outdated system and has proven to do more harm than good. I understand living together out of necessity as not everyone has loads of money to spare, but other than that I see no reason on earth to live with the guy's parents OR the girl's parents. You're starting your own life as adults, cut the cord. We can not stay in mommy & daddy's laps forever.
As far as what the girls should and shouldn't do in her in laws home, I have to disagree again. As you said, DIL is not the MIL's actual daughter and yes, if she wants her to live in her house with dear baby beta than MIL does need to make more effort to embrace the girl as it's not the girl's house (and honestly, in most cases it never becomes her house).
Whenever I do find someone and get married, his family will be his responsibility first as MINE will be my responsibility first (both will be second to his responsibility to me and mine to him of course). The system in place right now in Pakistan swings HEAVILY in the favor of a guy and his family and the only way to change that is stop living with his parents. Girls need to put their foot down regarding this issue. His parents will not become mine and my parents will always be more important than his parents to be very honest. It sounds frank, but it's reality. Same applies to him; I do not expect him to embrace my parents as more important than his own. My parents didn't raise him. The best thing a couple can do is never interfere with what each does for his/her own parent. As far as my parents not interfering or being aware of my secret's with my husband, very true. Husband and wife should never tell a third person their business and neither set of parents should ask. Problem with what you said is it only applies to the girl; what are your demands for a guy and his family? Shouldn't a guy not tell his mummy jaan his business? Yet so many do and that obviously creates problem as is natural. Third person interference is always bad and no matter how many people seem to have tried, joint family system = problems. Shouldn't the guy and his family make much bigger adjustments? If you want the girl to shift to your house than it's only natural, you should make most of the adjustments. Otherwise tell beta jaan to move out with his wife. Best resolution: instead of laying down archaic one sided rules for girls and what they should and shouldn't do, how about either get rid of the system altogether or expect the guy to make adjustment too...?
I am not a loaf of bread and I will not be "given away" to anyone. I am my own person with my own identity and once I decide to marry, I will merge parts of my life with another human as he will with me, and we begin a life together as adults; I will not stop my life, drop everything and be "given away" (who even says that anymore???) to live in someone else's house with their wants, demands and rules, and make all the adjustments myself while others continue as normal. This should be rather simple and uncomplicated. I have the right to have my own house where my future partner and I will rule equally under no one else. Cheers.
hahahaha you people are taking this far too seriously...
I think that you should probably see things from her (DIL) perspective too. You have had your life. If you will recall your life you might have done the same things or might have wanted to do it. Its your DIL's turn to live her live, make her own set of mistakes and learn. This is democracy in my eyes. She doesnt like to visit your relatives may be because its her susral and in susral you have to always sit tight, be careful about how you dress, speak and greet everyone in short there are a lot of formalities while in maika events you don't have to act or pretend. You can be your way this is the reason why I hate gatherings at in-laws.
@Anisa: Wish the world had more of people like you. Most of the comments above are depressing. No relationship works when you turn it into a tug of war.
my mother hates my wifes guts. She once ordered my mom to wash her plate.
@Jigglypuf, said; "and if she doesn't behave in a way deserving of respect, why should she be respected?" Exactly. A mother in law does not take the pain of giving birth to DIL but she has to bear the pain of patience in order to produce a loving relationship with her new-comer daughter (in-law). (everything has a price or procedure) only then she can win her heart. And vice a versa. A DIL should not enter the In-laws house to dominate but but wins them. Though it should be from both sides. But it too depends on the In-Laws how they welcome her. I always see MIL's and DIL's do mean things and wonder how to re conciliate them. Even if they do not live together. They need a close family bond. If the are living jointly they should watch for some important aspects. To me number one thing to win the hearts of DIL is, never talk ill of her family. Or rather be thankful to them for they have given you the piece of their heart. Never stop her from calling or seeing them. Never be on watch what she talks to them. Never expect her family to invite you on every event with her. Never ask dowry. Let her go out for shopping or outing with her husband. Never look into her room what and how she is maintaining it. She can learn by the state of MIL's room. If she likes or needs something try to make it available. Ignore her short comings. A DIL should bear if MIL Father Inlaw said something in anger. And try to understand if they advised her for something. And a daughter in-Law should never tell if any argument or any dispute happened in her inlaw family with her or among them to her parents. Because the respect of this house is her own respect and her duty. Should take share of the house chores. sparing her MIL of responsibilities as much as she can. Do not speak about what happens on both borders. Inlwas and parents homes. The parents of the girl should never be curious, how she lives. What she does in her in-law home. Who is who. How is what? Should advise her to give priority and importance to her home and its peace. Should not always want their daughter to visit them and stay longer un-necessarily. In short should not interfere into her house. Or criticise or exploit her financial status. I mean it is not as difficult as it has been made. A little patience, acknowledgement, good intention and sober attitude can solve every problem. There is a very beautiful aspect of this relation, they are the kids. By this a blood relation is formed in the both families.This is the strongest bond of life among families. That is equally important and dear to the both families. A daughter in law cannot take a mother's place nor can a MIL take DIL 's place. They both have different arenas. A MIL should be happy if her son is inclined towards his wife. It shows he is a loyal person. And is happily married. It should be a comfort for the Mom. Likewise if a son is caring towards his Mom and Dad it show he is a dutiful trustworthy, and a caring person that you can rely on for a life long commitment. A person who is a good son will be a good human too. MIL's should remember whispering complains into their son's ears will part the hearts of Husband and wife. It is always better to speak direct to her with a lots of love and care. Even if you have complain talk to her. So should be done by a DIL. And a person creating trouble between Husband and wife is named as Satan in a Hadith. Likewise a Hadith quotes a mother has the most right on her son whereas a husband has the most right on his wife. And a noble woman is the bes gift of God to nay man. Only believe in humanity, love care and share can help solve this matter. May we all have this bliss. Amen I am happy I have seen some responsible and rational posts here too. Hence there is hope of a family bliss.. We can really learn good things anywhere.
what i gauge from reading da comments above is that the DILs have become so much impatient these days. Every thing and every relationship takes time to develop and flourish. nowadays girls want independence and live their lives their own ways without showing any flexibility from day one. this is not a very positive outlook of life. life is all about flexibility, adjustments and compromises. if DIL comes to the new house with the sense to dominate and with the mindset that MIL is not her own mother so she should not listen to her then this definitely leads to a war zone. if DIL is from the initial years is so sensitive about living her life her own ways the a MIL who of course has devoted her blood and bones to make the house and get the house into certain shape and use to certain decorum then just think she is bound to be ten times more sensitive towards it. and for all young ladies, please bear in mind that getting married to a boy doesn't make you the own his house. in general in our set-up the house is owned by the FIL and his wife i.e. your MIL is given the status of a queen and have the authority to run the house. from Islam's perscpective, the wife and the children have legal shares to the house which are normally distributed after both parents passed away. so bottom line till your MIL is alive she has all the right to remain the queen of the house. if Girls feel that they can not accept their MIL as queens and want to have thier lifestyles the nthey should opt for marriage with boys who agrees to live separately after marriage or have semi-joint family systems. but dont accept that the MIL who normally are in their 50's and above will adjust themselves because of you. It should be the DIL adjusting herself to the in-laws setup and not the vice versa. because after all no one forces you to marry into certain family system. you choose to so you must choose to accept them as well. and beleive me if you go to a house with a mind set of flexibility then you will see for yourself that your in-laws would also be flexible towards you. it all depends on the Neeyat.
Seems like Indian daily soup episode. Mother in laws are insecure that her bahu will grab his son and he will eventually listen to his wife. Such insecurity leads to difference between Sas and Bahus. Newly wed bahus are not your Dasi/ Salve, just treat them normally and there will not be any difference. Simple.
You want to have the cake and eat it too. When people bring in daughter in law they think they are bringing a free worker, who has no personality of her own, no freedom and will adjust to the decorum of the house like a robot.
This is precisely the reason why I like about the Arab World, where before aboy gets married, he has to make his own home,mostly rented, moves away from mother's home.
In out part of the world, we want them to stay with us and obey our laws. If the house is more dear to son, then please hab ve the house and part with the son, but if son is more dear to part, then please bear with the personality of his new bride, and the changes that she brings with her.
As for the relations with ur relatives, if you don't have good relations with her, how will she have with your relatives.
Sad to read some of the comments. Mother in laws can be difficult in some cases but other extreem is also unhealthy
so seems like there is no mid ground. When the DIL is trying hard, the MIL does not want to welcome her or make her feel at home- from this is how we have lived since 1960s to don't touch that even if it kills your son, bc my daughter put it there. And then there are the DIL who are welcomed by their MIL, and the DIL will sit there infront of her inlaws and degrade how they live, make fun of their stuff (even though they came out of a garbage can, literally). Then the DIL will completely replace each and everything in the first month (with her husband's money, not what she brought), without any regards to the MIL's feelings who has spent her life building this place. She could atleast be consulted- you know she is already letting you have everything. and oh yea- the DIL still complains how MIL wants her to move that one chaise, bc every freakin' person has tripped over it.
I'm just saying, living like human beings, don;t try to make you MIL a mother and vice versa. Just be considerate of each other and change things slowly and gradually with love and kindness, when being in a joint family is the only option.
I am personally against the archiac joint family system, in which newly wed couples are expected to live with the parents of the guy. My opposition is for several reasons. Foremost is the should-be-obvious (but seemingly isn't) privacy factor. A young couple needs their space. Secondly, the daughter in law is expected to change according to the ways of the house, which is grossly unfair because the girl is marrying the guy, not the whole house and its residents and their ways!
It is perfectly ok to want to be close to one's parents, which is why couples can indeed live in adjoining houses, and let the grandkids be close to the grandparents when the time comes. But overall the idea of joint family is just strange to me.
uff....the saas - bahu thing can get even the best of started without any signs of an end:p v as a society need to lighten up on the issue on the whole...fine ther r ups n downs but so wat ...they were ther at ur parents place as well (for DIL) n with ur kids as well (for MIL)...
Do you have a daughter aunty? What do you say about her habits?
@Not good enough: All mother inlaws are the same dear . I went thru the same . try to move out of the joint family . Good Luck
@Anisa: She should only be respected as one's own mother if she treats you as her own child. At the end of the day, she won't be my mother. She didn't give birth to me.
@Anisa: With respect, I beg to differ. Mother or not, she is not the DIL's mother and never will be as she didn't take pains to give her birth and raise her and if she doesn't behave in a way deserving of respect, why should she be respected? I know this sounds bad and I don't condone behaving BADLY towards our elders, BUT if you didn't earn anyone's respect, I won't go out of my way to show you any. I wouldn't go out of my way to ever be rude either or flagrantly offensive, but the relationship would remain skin deep with no extra effort made by me. MIL's continue to behave this way because people think no matter what her actions, she's a 'MOTHER.' That she is, but not to anyone but her own kids. I understand it's frank, and for some, a bit rude, but that's the way I feel. That cousin of mine I told someone else on here about, her MIL was a witch with a B and didn't deserve ANYONE'S respect. You can't be an evil witch your whole life and expect to get respect by default simply because you popped out a tiny human being at some point in your life. As for my own parents, yes I will always respect them because they took every pain in the world to give me a great life and still do, but if they were to mistreat someone else (which they never would) I wouldn't expect that person to go out of his/her way to show them a lot of respect. Sounds overly harsh in words but khair.
@Not good enough: Last bit of advice although I have no clue how attainable this is for you; find yourself a good job for a sense of fulfillment and independence and get your own place with your husband! Joint family system NEVER seems to work. Best of luck.
Has this mother-in-law ever paused to think about what her daughter-in-law thinks of her habits?
This actually made me laugh. I wasn't actually sure if it was meant to be a serious article or something comic!
In laws of DIL should expect and accept a major change in the setting and arrangement of the house. If she does this it means she has her interest in the house. That should be taken as good sign. At teh same times if there are some certain things of which their moving may cause some inconvenience to the mil it must not be moved. Considering her old age. A dil has the same rights in the house but the mil has some extra privileges because of her seniority. At the same time the dil should be shown more consideration to good treatment from mil to encourage her for being young, new to home and being inexperienced.. Hence her mistakes or flaws be ignored or politely conveyed. If dil is a working lady then she must have an extra sleep until late on the weekends. Life is give and take. For mil there is a piece of advice that bahu cannot be exactly what the mil used to be.. So never expect that. Yes with love care and constant patience she can learn something from you too. A mil is here with you to keep the name of your family alive. Remember she has to do it with her blood and bones. So she needs respect and care too.
I can't believe people are taking this piece so seriously. Its obviously written in good humour. Guess it hits too close to home.
I liked the comments of Insaan. They are re conciliating and sensible. I am sorry but most of the comments are partial. We should have respect for the elders. Specially for the mother of our Husband. She should be respected as one's own mother. And vice a versa.
at point 1 you are telling her that she
s not a guest and your home is not any hotel...thn in point 2 you dont want her to change anything inyourhome which implies that she should not consider this as her home and consider it as a hotel...am i the only one confused? or this article was just a waste of time?Also aunty - if she hadnt brought in new furniture, you would have moaned about that too! calling her family stingy and what not.
No matter how educated we become, our mindset will forever be jaahil.
When I got married I tried to be the perfect bahu. I woke up early in the mornings, I helped clean my room and the lounge etc as well. I craved my in-laws approval. But now a year into my marriage I have realized its a futile effort. My mother-in-law will complain about my habits even if her daughter and son behave the same way. It seems nothing I can do can win a place in her heart. I feel a constant sense of estrangement - sometimes days go by when none (but my husband) speak to me.
Sorry to say but dirty laundry should not be washed in public. This is such a shallow piece and is making me angry for more than one reason. Please let the girl live her life. If you wanted to rule the home so much shouldn't have let your son get married, or should have asked him to move out and get his own place.
Pakistani mothers in law need a LIFE and a HOBBY.
This is written in a humorous manner but reading the comments above its apparent that maybe its not that funny as its too close to real life situations. I mean i can easily say that my mil finds these things annoying about me. Esp Number 1 and 4 are huge issues at my place.
Its high time you cut the (umbilical) cord 'aunty' and let your son and daughter in law live on their own. Its obvious you think the house belongs solely to you or else you wouldn't have commented on her sleeping habits! If is her house, she can sleep in for as long as she wants and spread the 'mess' well into the living room instead of restricting it to her home! Oh and by the way, don't blame the mess on your daughter in law when in fact you failed to teach your grown son how to fold his own socks and tidy his own living space. He lives in that room too, if the mess bothered him so much, he would've cleaned it up!
this is something mothers-in-law should think about before jumping into joint family situations...pre marriage, all women want their 'betas' to live with them. well this is her house now, not urs alone. and she will live in it like a resident, not a tip-toeing guest!
So if she sleeps on saturdays & sundays? the other days she is working. Get a life or a Hobby
Sit back and relax grandma.. you ruled in your time, it's her time now!
Ok seriously, no offence, but please go and talk it out with your DIL or see a shrink maybe? :D