The year is 2013. In the light of last year’s uproarious complaints that Pakistan’s sole Oscar-bagger only portrayed a very negative image of the country, a group of dedicated and patriotic filmmakers have hastily produced and submitted a fresh entry to the Academy Awards committee. Aptly titled In Your Face: Peace and Prosperity in Pakistan, the movie — a Lala Khushi Bakhsh production, in collaboration with Dr Heaven Lover Awan Films and Federal University of Cinematic Knowledge — proudly showcases the numerous positives that flood the country. Its creators are very excited about its Oscar prospects and consider it a fitting response to last year’s horrible, self-loathing, West-appeasing, Zionist-funded Pak-basher. Here’s an exclusive clip, enjoy:
Bright sunlight filters through a lightly curtained window, filling a well-decorated, stately room with a heavenly glow and radiating off the wholesome, pink-cheeked faces of its occupants, a married couple, apparently enjoying a sumptuous breakfast. The husband holds a newspaper in hand, beaming at the news at offer, baring pearly white teeth in glee.
Husband: Begum, it says that from now on we’ll be celebrating 12 Earth Hours every day!
Wife: Really?
Husband: Yes, we’re the most environmentally-friendly nation in the world. The pollution levels in Lahore, for example, are much lower than the combined totals of Mumbai, Jakarta, Manila and Lagos.
Wife: That’s so wonderful!
Husband: Sure is! And did you hear? Fuel prices are down!
Wife (Face all aglow): Amazing! Again?
Husband: Yup! It costs less to buy 1 litre of petrol now than buying 10 litres just a week ago!
Wife (Leaps up in joy): Oh honey, that’s great news!
Husband: That’s not all dear; it says our infant mortality rate has gone down drastically!
Wife: Tell me, tell me!
Husband: A survey of 28 five-year-olds shows that not a single one of them had died as a baby!
Wife: Remarkable, a magnificent positive achievement!
Husband: Honey, it’s not the only one. I heard on TV our female literacy rate has shot up, too.
Wife: No! You don’t say!
Husband: It’s true. A survey of female parliamentarians/politicians shows that their literacy currently stands at 63.2%, up from 58.7% last year.
Wife (Applauds excitedly): We’re proud of our female leaders!
Husband: We sure are! You know a Hollywood crew is making a documentary about one of them? It’s regarding women empowerment.
Wife: Really, dear?
Husband: Yup. It’s called Slapping Face: One Woman’s Fight Against Electoral Injustice.
Wife: Well, it’s about time the world recognised how powerful our women are. What else does the paper say, love?
Husband: Impressed by our bounding female literacy rate, the Taliban have declared they won’t be bombing girls schools anymore. For another four weeks.
Wife: One whole month! That’s wonderful!
Husband: Yes, I feel so proud being a Pakistani! (Unshed tears of joy and patriotic fervour glitter in his eyes) Oh, and a bit of personal good news, darling. My boss is giving me a big pay raise.
Wife (Jumps up in orgasmic ecstasy): “What!?”
Husband: Our company’s sales are booming, up 88%. It seems everyone’s buying our top-notch trinitrotoluene powder and ball-bearings. Boss says that as marketing director, I deserve the raise.
Wife (Twirls in unbounded joy): Oh, I’m so happy!
Husband: And you know, many businesses are booming, thanks to the government’s positive policies. I heard sales of loudspeakers, turbans, hazaarbands and small-bore guns are sharply up.
Wife (Beaming and misty-eyed): There are so, so many positives in this country…
Husband: …that you could just die!
They do a merry little jig and fall in a tight, joyous, positive embrace (only in uncut DVD version).
Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, April 15th, 2012.
COMMENTS (7)
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It is shameful how gullible & stupid the wife is depicted portraying the writers attitude towards women.
Not only that the price of g2 blades, shaving cream and brush have also come down as a lot of people are refusing to shave, nobody is buying scissors also . So much for consumer power.
Oh yay. The Academy Awards are our new ambassadors working towards salvation from a misunderstood worldly image. With films like these, what more could we need? Sigh... shakes head in disappointment
Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country (apart from writing sarcastic articles).
awesome!
lol magneficient article :)) loved every word of it . keep it coming writer ;)