10 things I hate about shaadis

Published: January 8, 2012

The fake criers. There’s always one person who barely knows the bride or groom but will start emptying her tear ducts.

1.    The audience. Call me a prude but I find the whole idea of cheeky chachas sitting in the audience while other perverted phuphas stare and clap as the bhateeji shakes her booty to ‘Sheila ki Jawani’ very disturbing.

 2.     The impromptu dances. There’s always some horrendously sweaty, overweight and excited mami who cannot restrain herself and suddenly launches into this embarrassing solo on Gujrallay while her husband and kids look away and pretend they don’t know her at all.

 3.    Turning the mehndi into an ‘80s wannabe club with a DJ, disco ball and wooden dance floors. Trust me, it does not make you an iota cooler!

 4.    The dupattas on men. I just don’t get how the bhangra cannot be done without the neon yellow duppattas hanging? Why do men suddenly chuck all their masculinity for one night and willingly drape these duppattas? Trust me, none of you look cute with those!

 5.    The movie walla. The man has an uncanny ability to always be there when you trip face-forward in your floor-length gharara or drip some salan on your chin. Please know that if he’s flashing you with blinding lights, you have officially made it into the bride and groom’s forever treasured and forever watched by thousands of generations to come montage.

 6.    The gift-pain-food equation. No matter how great the food is and how much you eat, throw away, feed the shaadi cat or secretly pack for your dog at home, it still does not equal the amount of pain you experienced and the money spent on clothes, jewellery, shoes, blowdries, churian, yada yada, yada.

 7.    The fake criers. There’s always that one person who barely knows the bride or groom but will start emptying her tear ducts even before the nikkah and hug everyone she can in the process.

 8.   No matter what you say to the couple on the rukhsati, it just sounds wrong on every level.  Phrases to avoid: “Good Luck!”, “I hope all your wishes come true”, “May your joining together bring you more joy than you can imagine.”

 9.    The wastage of money. Don’t couples realise that the money they are spending on stupid things like exotic flowers, grand stages and gift boxes for five hundred people that they barely know could’ve easily been used on their own honeymoons? Think about it, wouldn’t you rather invest on a romantic honeymoon to Paris than spend thousands on a single night?

 10.    Pakistani brides. Especially up close. Aren’t they all monstrosities? All un-married makeup wallis take their revenge by pulling the baichari dulhan’s hair back, making her already overdone eyes pop out. Add to that a gharara she can barely walk in and jewellery that weighs more than she does and you have a dulhan who will give the bride of Frankenstein a run for her money.

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, January 8th, 2012.

Reader Comments (43)

  • Mariam
    Jan 8, 2012 - 1:16PM

    Someone finally said exactly what I’ve been thinking for the last few years whilst watching friend post repetitive pictures online during the shaadi season. I’m going to have a Nikah..invite only the closest of family and friends and call it a night. Go away somewhere tropical and party my heart out with my significant other.

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  • Yu S Ra
    Jan 8, 2012 - 1:19PM

    101% agreeeeeed !
    and thats why i soo hate shaaaaadiyaaan..

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  • Sweet Dee
    Jan 8, 2012 - 1:20PM

    Shaadi Cat lol

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  • Acorn Guts
    Jan 8, 2012 - 1:25PM

    I normally don’t take these kind of blogs seriously but your very first perverted take on dances followed by ‘impromptu’ make-fun-of-fat-people decidedly told me this one is going to be in bad taste.

    Oh and by the way, Paris is not the last place on earth for honeymoons. Thought you were the one making fun of stereotypes.

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  • Ali
    Jan 8, 2012 - 1:39PM

    Hahahaha, someones sore about not being married, :p
    Weddings are fun, try and enjoy the little things in life :) :p

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  • Fahad
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:00PM

    read your article about the fail year in entertainment just last night and now this, why so bitter lady

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  • Mohsin
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:09PM

    Everything the writer mentioned is actually coming from a pessimistic point of view and just for the sake of writing about a cliched topic !!!

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  • rabbahs
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:42PM

    well I too agree with this article. But if we all are agree on this matter then y not we all change this culture and make it more simple :)

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  • Ralf
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:57PM

    All of it is so true!I feel happy that there are people out there who feel the same way as I do about ‘shaadis’.
    P:S There is always ‘that one person’ who dances like a crazy lunatic on all the functions and has no direct relation with the bride or groom.

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  • AJ
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:58PM

    Lolz, well written .. and so true about point 9 and 10

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  • Ahad
    Jan 8, 2012 - 2:59PM

    Well . . . I not totally agree on all the points since few of them are followed due to traditions specially that mehendi dupatta one. All of these are mostly followed by every class of people whereas fake crying days are gone. Now you’ll only see people crying in wedding either in some movie or tv serial. Anyway everyone has it’s own thoughts and rights!

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  • Riri
    Jan 8, 2012 - 3:38PM

    I have one of those MAMIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!

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  • Mani
    Jan 8, 2012 - 3:46PM

    @Acorn Guts:
    I found this blog hilarious!Recommend

  • Reema
    Jan 8, 2012 - 4:48PM

    I agree with all of the above points and truly enjoyed reading it, but all said & done, our shadi’s rock.Our traditions and family participation is priceless!

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  • O
    Jan 8, 2012 - 5:37PM

    Men wear dupattas on Eid functions as well; it’s not just shaadis. Don’t be jealous that we men rock it the dupattas better than the women.

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  • Umar
    Jan 8, 2012 - 5:59PM

    @Mariam:
    I wish more people thought that way

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  • Jan 8, 2012 - 6:50PM

    I could agree with some of those points if the writer had not made it sound so bad. Seriously, weddings are not all that bad, girl. At least not for the family who are directly related.

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  • Jan 8, 2012 - 7:59PM

    I wondered. I laughed, and semi-agreed. HAHA.

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  • OH BOY!
    Jan 8, 2012 - 8:24PM

    @Ahad: Mehindi Duppattas are not our tradition. When my dad or his brothers got married guys didnt wear duppatta to mayoon or mehindi….its more bollywood inspired.

    totally agree with saba….. i was lucky to convince my parents to have a small wedding for me and invite the people who really matter…..have nikkah in masjid and a reception with a simpler decor….tons of my friends asked me why are you having such a small wedding.? are you not happy or is it an arranged marriage? i wonder why expression of ones happiness is directly related to the amount of money you spend on such occassions.

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  • Guest
    Jan 8, 2012 - 8:38PM

    @OH BOY!:
    Right on bro!
    Well done. Hope more follow your example.

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  • Pakistani-Londoner
    Jan 8, 2012 - 8:53PM

    HaHa that is so true :D
    Iam so looking forward to that on mine :D

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  • Avinash Rajput
    Jan 8, 2012 - 9:35PM

    I like the point 9… =P

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  • omair shahid
    Jan 8, 2012 - 10:03PM

    totally agree with you we need to change it and make it simple.

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  • Supressed, Opressed, Depressed
    Jan 9, 2012 - 2:50AM

    excellent! some of the points you mentioned really do get on my nerves!

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  • Naeem Siddiqui
    Jan 9, 2012 - 5:44AM

    @Saba Khalid

    Dear Saba! no offence! but in Good/Civilized families bhatejis dont dance in front of Chachas and other ‘perverts’, all these girly stuff of shaadi are kept private among girls and women.

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  • ali
    Jan 9, 2012 - 5:58AM

    what else do you expect from Morally corrupt indianized Pakistanis???

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  • blaaah
    Jan 9, 2012 - 6:45AM

    lol, I was more amused by the comments section here.Recommend

  • JaySabir
    Jan 9, 2012 - 9:24AM

    Very well written. I appreciate the way you think.

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  • Lord
    Jan 9, 2012 - 9:28AM

    Some points are valid and some color our marriages and they should be like that.you may differ.

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  • zezu
    Jan 9, 2012 - 10:17AM

    I personally like POINT 9.

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  • Fariiha Shams Butt
    Jan 9, 2012 - 12:21PM

    the Mehndi part was written awesomely, but on many part it was exaggerated or biased could have been better keep trying……………………… specially the point 10, every bride thinks she is looking prettiest on her wedding and how can the writer read the makeup artist’s mind ………………..Recommend

  • Axl.
    Jan 10, 2012 - 4:38AM

    And oh status-check, being an 18 year old myself, I quite love the traditional stuff at the weddings! I know the entire family is happy and dancing is only a way to show it. The mami does not have to look like Iman Ali to dance on her bhateejays wedding. What in the world is wrong with that? Seriously, get out of your shallow bubble.
    And oh I assure you, you’ll hate the white wedding a lot more if you hate the asian ones.

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  • Zara
    Jan 10, 2012 - 4:52AM

    Bravo! I would like to award you the Pessimist of the decade award. Read a couple of your so-called articles i.e. blogs really, and good lord! You really are a sad person.

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  • insight
    Jan 11, 2012 - 10:28AM

    Thumbs up ! it was hilarious and so true.

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  • ASNA
    Jan 18, 2012 - 8:34PM

    not agreed to many of the points.. most of d educated families dun follow dse kinda dancing stuff infront of chachas and all…article is so pessimistic…asian weddings are far more colourful and bright wid loved ones around u which u just called ” 500- not -worth- to -spend money -on ” …by excluding all these i guess u r inspired by western weddings wid no one to celebrate /share d joy …i love our weddings wid so many ppl to enjoy and share and make those special moments worth to remember …

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  • Faheem
    Jan 21, 2012 - 11:18PM

    Hahahaha true depiction 100% agreed.

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  • Nobody
    Jan 22, 2012 - 2:14AM

    @ASNA:
    So only ‘uneducated’ families dance among mixed company at their wedding? I imagine many people will resent this implication. I know loads of extremely well educated families who don’t mind dancing and such entertainment at their family weddings, mixed or not. To each his or her own. Cheers.

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  • Amjad Hanif
    Jan 28, 2012 - 2:22PM

    Agreed…!

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  • Saira
    Feb 2, 2012 - 12:11PM

    why u hate so much ??? stay happy and relaxed and let the people whatever they wanna do…if u believe these things are rubbish so i would advice you no need to follow.Do what u think right and stay happy.
    enjoy….

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  • Zia
    Feb 3, 2012 - 2:40AM

    wow – you’re full of hate. getting married is a beautiful things, and brides are beautiful on their special day. you have some nerve of equating ALL brides to frankenstein.

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  • Raza
    Feb 5, 2012 - 11:24PM

    Lol @ #1. At @#4 and #9, I have been trying to figure out those myself for years.

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  • Feb 6, 2012 - 7:25PM

    the first 2 points are extremely funny nd actually happens :D

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  • Coco
    Feb 6, 2012 - 9:01PM

    Aaaaah – all that ritaul – UK bride sepends about £3K on each wedding. Still we must be happy – i got married in a registry office – went home and cooked a meal for our 10 friends – how cool am i!

    BTW – we are now divorced – my wedding was the best thing about our marriage tho.

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