Mr know it all: A 'tube light' and a newly single man

From relationship blues to money woes, Mr Know It All has the answers!.

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

A few months ago, my girlfriend of six years (who I thought was my soulmate) broke up with me and started seeing another guy. I thought I’d never get over her but thankfully I think I’m getting there. Anyway, my problem right now is my friends have recently started forcing me to start dating again, and I have no idea how to go about it! I’ve never been into the whole dating game. I’m completely lost, and have no idea how to woo girls without making a fool of myself. I know I sound like a teenager, but can you please tell me what the current rules for impressing girls without seeming too desperate are?

Derailed

A. One usually needs to walk before running ... and you, my friend, are not even crawling yet! Seriously, go easy on yourself. Take time to become comfortable as a single man before jumping onto the relationship train again. Otherwise, it’ll take you straight to Hurt Avenue which we all know is a dark, cold place crawling with desperados on the prowl for vulnerable specimen like yourself. Yup, you definitely don’t want to fall into the wrong hands again this soon!

But if your friends have already hooked you up with someone nice and you’re sure she’s not just the poor rebound girl destined for misery, remember that pleasing women is really not as hard as they make it sound. Just remember my ABC theory: Always Agree with everything they say; Bathe regularly; and try to be as Charming as possible!

On a serious note, though, I’ve often noticed a man’s attempt to impress women often sells out his dignity, his confidence and his self-esteem. He stops being himself; stops speaking his mind, giving his opinion, making decisions and being in-charge overall like a real man should. If you’re able to avoid all that, while still being kind and funny and charming, chances are you’ll have her turning to putty pretty soon!

Q. Dear Mr Know It All

All my friends call me a ‘tube light’ just because I get things slower than them. Their jokes are just hard to crack because they rely on common knowledge which perhaps isn’t as common as they think. It’s getting to me now as I really want to be on the same page as them and keep up with their pace. What should I do?

Faster than a snail

A. Sweetie, the only person who gets all the jokes all the time is the liar who doesn’t. Really, you can’t expect to tiptoe through life by being so naïve. You’ve got to fake your acumen, do cartwheels in public for whatever amounts of brainpower you possess, you know… make a show of your intelligence.  I personally think there’s no point in trying to keep up with anyone’s pace unless you have a girlie crush on them. In which case you can simply invest in a new wardrobe and hair extensions and be done with it. That’s more than half the work done and you won’t even have to start reading the newspaper! But seriously, don’t let a few smart-asses dictate your opinion of  yourself, and memorise the perfect comeback to being called slow: Tube lights may take their time to turn on, but when they do, they’re the brightest, so watch out!

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, December 25^th,  2011.