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10 things I hate about Twilight: Breaking Dawn
The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager.
The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager.
1. Bella’s Helpless Woman syndrome. Gone are the days when women kicked butt, earned their own money and depended on themselves. Our helpless heroine has not once tried to fight a single enemy on her own. Bella doesn’t need college, ambition or money. All she really needs in life is to marry her 100-year-old rich, vampire boyfriend or, in case things go wrong,her hot backup wolf lover.
2. The soft porn. No one wants to see a lifeless vampire with wild hair and a goofy expression make love to a dull, expressionless, teenager. Do not tempt me with deserted islands in Sao Paulo or moonlit beaches, it ain’t working!
3. The fast forward pregnancy. Yes, one day she has the abs of Paris Hilton and the next day, she’s got the belly of Sheikh Rasheed after a good plate of nihari.
4. She’s dead but really, she’s ALIVE. Visualise: While Edward weeps on Bella’s apparent death after delivery, little does he know that vamp energy is quickly making its way into her body. When he comes back from mourning, she lies there with a face of fresh makeup indicating that the magic has worked and she is about to wake up. Yea Bella! (read: die witch, die!)
5. The Indian movie moments. There were so many that it probably would’ve made sense to spray white paint on Shahrukh Khan and Kajol, and shoot this movie on a Kerala beach. At least, they would’ve done a more believable job and it would’ve cost less.
6. The maamta. Visualise: the baby is sucking the life out of Bella, straining the poor girl’s body so much that she could possibly get stuck in the drain. But does she hate the thing growing inside her? Of course not! Because the maamta has jaagofied and now she keeps rubbing it lovingly while the baby viciously bites her internal organs.
7. The oh-so-realistic delivery scene. First, the baby decides to crack Bella’s ribs for pure fun. Then, she takes her hand out of her belly to grab a bottle of blood.As for our hero Edward, he tears up Bella’s tummy with his bare fangs to take out the baby while taking quick bites on her body to bring her back to life. My nephew was born the EXACT same way! No kidding.
8. The horrible dialogue delivery. When Jacob finds out Bella’s pregnant, he gets up violently and dramatically screams at Edward. “YOU DID THIS!!! YOUUUU!!!” You think, Einstein?
9. The pre-teen crowd at the cinema. Call me judgmental, but my parents would never have appreciated me reading or watching such hormone-driven drama at that age. Come to think of it, they still wouldn’t!
10. Despite hating every second of Breaking Dawn, I will find myself in another theatre next year, watching the second part in a cinema filled with pre-teens, if only to write another Hater on it. Let’s just hope, for the next part, Bella doesn’t get knocked up by the wolf!
Published in The Express Tribune, December Sunday Magazine, 18th, 2011.
Reader Comments (41)
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Awsome..:) perfectly written..i can mention a million more thnigs to hate Twilight saga but the ten mentioned above are more than enuff for an idea :)
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Yes, one day she has the abs of Paris Hilton and the next day, she’s got the belly of Sheikh Rasheed after a good plate of nihari.
LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
The best of all :)))))))
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and yet they have made more money then any of you ever will, and more people have read them then this article will ever hope to get. it got kids reading again, if nothing else, and if you hate it why sit in there? i doubt it was to write one article, so you are probably someone who secretly likes it all and, for whatever reason, just don’t want to admit it. Same goes for all the people who read the article just to make comments about how you agree. Why spend your time reading anything related to the Twilight Saga if you hate it so much?
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ALL is well but the thing is this , half of the movie was censored in cinemas .. how any can make a critique
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I find it vaguely paedophilic that a 100 year old vampire attracted to a 17 year old girl. -__-
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Hilarious! Great article. I couldn’t agree more especially the tummy after Sheikh Rasheed had nihari. Its true that knowingly or unknowingly they are promoting social isolation among teens once they are in a relationship. Belle meets Edward and all of a sudden loses sight of everything else. It doesn’t seem that she has any intention of pursuing college or having a career.
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love this article! :D couldnt agree with you more! i think alot of people feel this way about the movie but finally someone has managed to pen all our “emotions” for the movie perfectly! Good job!
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One Word ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: EPIC !
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its perfectly acceptable to watch the film if only to understand all the hype. I think the author mustve gone for the exatc same reason
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hahahahahaha…
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Spot Om!
But how could you forget the insanely illogical science? An immortal vampire, Edward Cullen, whose heart doesnt beat which means blood doesnt flow through his veins…how on earth could he REPRODUCE??? how the hell did Bella got that perfect pregnancy with baby carrying the genes of both the mother and the immortal father? How? can someone explain?
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What is the point of mentioning how much money they’ve made and how they’ve gotten kids to read again? The times are long, long gone when money was the measure of quality. Video killed the radio star and all. And about getting kids to read, why is reading THIS drivel a good thing? Do the ends justify the means so strongly? Harry Potter got kids to read. The epic television series Game of Thrones got people into the original series, A Song of Ice & Fire. Twilight gave people an excuse to be emo, melodramatic and impestuous for all the wrong reasons. I cannot find another example of such crap breaking through to the mainstream on a such a global, all infecting level.
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I never bothered watching the movie, the book was traumatic enough. I dint like the article either usually ET publishes better. Maamta jagofied? I love to diss this novel but please.. if you must make fun of something.. at least spend time on the article and not do a rush job.
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Beautiful! Hahahahaha hilarious!
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Beautiful! Hahahahaha hilarious!Recommend
Very well written.
Yes, one day she has the abs of Paris Hilton and the next day, she’s got the belly of Sheikh Rasheed.
Superb…!!!
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I hate twilight myself with passion, so much so that I never bothered to watch it beyond first episdoe; but you madam; have so much anger – If you hate it so much, then why did you bothered to see it; plan to see it again ?
Hilarious article nonetheless :D
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i luv the article…nevr thwt abt the movie this way…good going :)
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It wasn’t Sao Paulo. It was Rio de Janerio.
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wellll vampire dairies are loooooots better
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Stupid movie. Most interesting thing in hall was a grand mom watching movie with teenagers.Recommend
I hate everything…….i hate this movie….
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BELIEVE it – There are LOTS of Twilight Fans who HATE this movie as much if not moreso that you do! If you want to know what the big deal is about Twilight, check out my blog – it’s insane, and Twi-hards really need to start telling the truth about it.
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i see, the author is clearly very biased against sheikh rasheed.
he aint that bad. she could have used somebody else’s name… may be fazlur rehman :P
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It is easy to be critical than be correct ………. :p
What else we can do except ………. CRITICS
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@sarah. your first line seems to imply that just cause the Kardashians have way more money than me I too should be talentlessly parading around red carpeted events half naked. I really think there’s more to life than that. Also, I personally read Saba’s articles cause they’re hilariously well-written and always a good laugh after a long day.
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Lol. Enjoyed this, even though I’m a fan of the books =P
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Number 3 and 7 are my favourite!!!
so very well written :D
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first off it you hate the saga so much why go and see it?? Why waste your money on a movie series you hate so much. To put it the open you said your self that you will be viewing the next part of the saga. So apparently you do like it some what wouldn’t you say.
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This has got to be the most overrated Hollywood movie franchise… ever. I watched one, fell asleep within 10 minutes and promised myself never to watch any Twilight movie again. To put it mildly, its total and utter garbage.
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Why can’t haters keep their opinions to themselves… It’s a fantasy type movie that is purely for entertainment. It at least instills the value of waiting until marriage and it shows a somewhat weak girl grow and in the last movie, she gathers her strength and SHE saves the family. Please keep your negative nelly opinions to yourself. Stephanie Meyers has made millions from this franchise and if it was so terrible, it would not have made the millions that it has made. I’ve read and watched each film with my daughters and it’s a lot better than the violence, drugs and gratuitous sex that is shown in most films for young adults.Recommend
There was nothing to love in this movie, hate is exceptional case. But if there is now love then hate also not exist.Recommend
@twi-mom: coz its a democracy dear lady! :) i have never read the books, the blurb is enuf to put me off; for really good vampire books, Anne Rice has no equal. and for all those ppl who think that just coz it has grossed millions, it has to be good, plz remember that not all things that sell well r good..the mafia makes a lot of money, so do drugs, should we argue they r good? addicts get out to meet dealers, should we say they socialize? The other day, i watched a Twi movie, for abt 10 min just to see what the hype was abt..the most offputting thing was the heroine..does she have to be so NEEDY? emancipation defiitely passed her by! :)
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This movie is made or entertainment purposes, It’s about vampires and werewolves, and u people are complaining about how her body looks and whether or not its possible for Edward to reproduce? Guess what?? It’s fiction. Not everything has to be realistic! I agree with others, if u don’t like it why take the time to see the movie, or even write about it. And for all the people commenting about how much you hate it, why are you searching Twilight and reading articles about it? Don’t you have anything better to do than be haters? I guess not.
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….Continued…
That goes for the writer too. If you hate it so much than stop watching it and writing articles about it. Why would you go watch a movie you “hate” so much, year after year, and brag about how much you hate it? However, I do agree that young children shouldn’t be watching this. Unfortunately, when you see all the shows and movies that are coming out an being aimed at these preteens and teens, then this doesn’t look so bad.Recommend
Honestly the movie was very nice and interesting…………showing commitment love and complicated relationships………..rationales and common sense are not important for such movies the only thing that matters is that it should not be boring………that’s why only a few hated it but the majority liked the movie and earned a great deal of money. Everyone has their own perception, which replicates into an opinion which might differ on the basis of perception…………Any I loved the movie and enjoyed every part of it………………
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I hate Twilgiht as it is, be it 1st, 2nd or watso ever!!!
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hahahahahahaha good job man..very well written!!!!
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Critics are unnecessarily harsh on this novel. It’s not a great piece of literature but it’s not rubbish either. Infact the novel is quite engaging. One thing i still didn’t get is that if vampire women are infertile then how the hell vampire men are so fertile. It doesn’t make any sense to me. For me this is the biggest loophole in the story. Rest can be ignored.
In defence of twilight, some novels or movies are just for the target audience. Twilight is for teenager girls. There is no harm in it. For me James bond series or transformers are not for women atleast. They are no less stupid or pointless.
I personally like HP more but twilight has it’s own charm. I am not a teenager but i could understand the fascination. As a teenager, world revolves around you and you are super imaginative. So that’s why this novel is intriguing for young minds. Cool down guys! It’s just a fantasy.
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Thanx to writer for this hater..
i never saw any part of the said movie!
and i’m no more interested even… :)
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what u said is true ,but still movie was ooossuumm becoz i appretiate kris and rob acting and both of them hot otherwise in every movie whether hollywood or bollywood there r so many funny things to share so what u write is cool not oossummm
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