Do you feel pressured to organise yourself and alter your schedule to go to a get-together, even if you heartily accepted the invitation earlier? Let me explain. Your friends are arranging a meet-up at this new joint and you get an excited call inviting you over. Or you get an invite for a Whatsapp group. One which is put together by an (overly motivated) group of friends for the purpose of organising an outing or an excursion, or a much-dreaded, choreographed dance practice for a wedding. While you are happy to chat over your socials, you find it a hard task to actually dress up and leave home to meet them. You feel you will have to join them or be ditched and ostracised forever. And the explanations you will have to give for your absence will be another impossible task. You decide not to go, but from then on your phone doesn’t stop beeping. You mute it so that you can hide from all this interaction between people, real people.
Hiding indoors in the safe confines of our home from the Coronavirus during the pandemic, has led to a boom in digital communication, and a year or so later we seemed to have transformed into indoor cats. We love our comfortable world where we have access to everything — food, clothes, banks, commutes and people. We can talk to who we like and unfollow, mute or block whoever we wish. We can order food and just about anything under the sun, send gifts to friends, share opinions, troll and debate to our hearts’ content. Do we really need to step out and meet others from our species? Yes, and no, the latter if we are suffering from social anxiety.
Until a few years ago, people who kept to themselves were broadly called introverts, but it had a somewhat negative connotation. Presently, of course, we have coined a new term. We are a new breed of socially anxious people, who come in all ages, shapes and sizes, and with different levels/degrees of anxiety.
It is not about being a complete recluse, but about being a selective one. Naturally, like other human beings, we love connecting with people, but only digitally. We are still very much interested in who wore what, who’s going out with who, who broke up with whom and what are the latest trends and topics. It is just that we are just uncomfortable about actually meeting people.
Social anxiety is one of the most common mental illnesses, but it’s still poorly understood outside of scientific circles. “Working from home post-pandemic, is what probably moulded me for becoming a digital hermit or an indoor cat,” says Ayesha Khan*, an IT specialist. “I wasn’t aware that I had social anxiety until I found out that the door bell ringing really irritates me, even if it is only the delivery man. I dread people coming over unannounced. All friends and family have been instructed time and again to call before coming over. Maybe I’ll break out in zits or rashes if someone just turns up at the door.”
Online shopping is a blessing for people like Ayesha because she says it saves her from “twisty sales spiels” by the sales staff in shops, from both who know their business and from those who know not much!
“It may be that some of us have stayed indoors for so long in our comfort zones, unshaven, unwaxed, ungroomed, rolling around in our sweatpants and tees, clinging to our phones and laptops with messy hair, with hands and feet that long for a manicure/pedicure respectively, that we now feel keeping up with a conversation with a group of lively, real, painstakingly well-dressed people is impossible for us,” says Zahra Qureshi, a home chef. “We feel unpresentable even if we manage to look fine, it has become our default setting and the minute we are standing amidst our social circle, we are worrying about looking unpresentable, unliked, and unworthy.” This harassed feeling and stressed-out situation is fast heading towards a space that belongs to social anxiety.
Social anxiety can become severe, significantly impairing daily life by causing intense fear in social situations, leading to avoidance, isolation, panic attacks, and impacting work, school, and relationships. Symptoms range from blushing and sweating to panic attacks, while untreated long-term effects include increased depression, digestive issues, and missed opportunities, but effective treatments are available.
Despite being social animals, and we have a strong desire to be part of a group and to be accepted by the group. Social anxiety is a result of the fear of a possibility that we will not be accepted by our peers. It's the fear of negative evaluation by others.
Social anxiety disorder is the most common form of anxiety disorders, next to depression and substance use disorder. Did you know that 13 out of 100 people meet criteria for social anxiety disorder? Socially anxious people might be able to perform normally during daily life, but tend to become terribly distressed around social situations. They hate and avoid meeting people, giving speeches, or doing things in front of people.
It could be a contributing reason because of which seemingly eligible man or woman you know never really got married. Socially anxious people have very few friends, they avoid going to parties and are not distressed about not having a social life. Interestingly, they would like to be social, but isolation and just the desire to be with people works well for them. Every time they have an opportunity to meet people, they feel anxious and will try to avoid the meeting.
In more collectivist cultures, where the individual is not in the centre, social anxiety disorder is less of a problem. In a big, fat, joint family, the socially anxious person hides among people. But in individualistic cultures, however, where it’s important that you are your own, unique person, in those cases social anxiety becomes more of a problem.
Being glued to technology 24/7, it’s naturally going to have an effect on social skills. The clear link between technology and social behaviour makes it all the more important that we need to work extra hard on our social skills in the digital age.
“Clinically speaking, social anxiety disorder has few prerequisites that are taken into consideration before diagnosis, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5),” says Dr Masooma Zehra, clinical psychologist. “It is when someone has a strong, ongoing fear of being judged in social situations. They avoid those situations or endure them with intense anxiety.”
Dr Zehra explains how social anxiety disorder interferes with daily life. It lasts at least six months, and isn’t caused by substances or another condition,” she says. “But talking about the typical symptoms of the disorder, a person suffering from it will try to avoid public interaction as much as he/she could in order to protect their peace of mind which has been affected by some kind of earlier experiences that include being judged or questioned on their ongoing situations. They will mostly avoid going out or will not make eye contact if in public or act like they are busy in something so they have minimal interaction with people.”
Is it the lockdowns during the pandemic that have made people aloof? “The time spent in social isolation during the pandemic has given people the liberty to choose their peace of mind over mindless social gatherings that could me all kinds of events and celebrations for which people gather or group together. Someone who has been targeted or harassed by unnecessary or rather intrusive questions, for the purpose of meaningless gossip might want to hide away from people. So prior to the lockdowns, these people had not discovered or experienced a gap or boundary between them and society, and now they are comfortable being in their own little safe world.
However, dealing with social anxiety involves a mix of professional help, and self-help strategies such as relaxation, challenging negative thoughts, gradual exposure, and lifestyle changes such as exercise and sleep to manage symptoms and build confidence in social settings. Key steps include therapy to reframe thoughts, practicing small social goals, joining support groups, and using mindfulness to stay present. Opting for crutches such as medicinal and social drugs, and alcohol will only worsen the situation.
If you are not a socially anxious person, but you know someone, here is what you can do. Try to offer validation, patience, and gentle encouragement rather than trying to "fix" them. Use open-ended questions about shared interests, praise small social efforts, and reassure them that it is okay to feel overwhelmed. Phrases like "I'm here," "We can leave whenever," or "No pressure" help reduce anxiety. On top of everything else, just breathe.
*Name changed to protect privacy