When was the last time you called your mother? When was the last time you told her not to talk to your in-laws or your guests at a dinner party? When did you last tell her to give you space? When did you last tell her ‘let’s set boundaries’? When did you accuse her for meddling with your life? When did you last advise her to get a hobby for herself?
If you can relate to even half of these questions, you are not in a unique situation. This is quite common among mothers who are new grandmothers or grandmothers to be [baby boomers] and their [millennial] daughters who may be single or married. Their conditioning is different, and they are both forces of nurture, and require time and effort to understand each other.
This is also the situation between the mother and daughter in Lorene Scafaria’s 2015 film The Meddler. Newly-widowed Marnie Minervini (Susan Sarandon) moves from New York to L.A. to be with her daughter Lori (Rose Byrne), a television writer and director.
As you might have guessed by now, Marnie meddles! She drops by [unannounced] at her daughter’s place using the extra key she has been given. She often calls her daughter to chat about everyday [mundane] stuff and also generously offers to do things for her. So what’s wrong with that, we would think, considering our culture and lifestyle? Perhaps a mother in our culture may not drop by so much if the daughter is married because her husband may not be too comfortable with the idea or she lives in a joint family, but phone calls and help and assistance is a given.
Is it not that parents have the best intentions at the heart of everything they do, however tacky or uncomfortable or embarrassing it may seem sometimes? In western culture however, once you are independent, living with parents is frowned upon, and parental roles become smaller, a bit insignificant, limited to hospitals and festivities, and are often considered interfering and even outrageously invasive. Not so much in ours.
The story of The Meddler is apparently more autobiographical than you know. After the death of the filmmaker’s father, Scafaria’s mother moved from the East Coast to California to be near her daughter. “I was just obsessed with Susan playing the part,” Scafaria says in an interview. “There are great mother/daughter relationships seen on film, but since so many of them are from the daughter’s perspective the moms aren’t really that fleshed out necessarily.”
Events are certainly dramatised in the film and some new ideas were created but Scafaria’s empathy for her characters feels very personal, which is why one can relate to it, and it will resonate for mothers and daughters everywhere.
The film which is supposed to be a comedy, but to me it has a dark tone, because I don’t see Marnie as a meddler. She had a gap or a hole in her life after her husband passed away and being a loving, caring and people person, she subconsciously found replacements for everyone instead of resorting to substance or alcohol abuse or becoming mentally unhealthy. I believe Marnie actually comes across as a role model for people in her kind of situation, how they can extend themselves to help others and in return make friends and fill their lives with happiness and joy instead of choosing misery and sorrow, and the inevitable side-effects of bitterness and envy.
Older people and seniors, especially in our culture seem to interfere or meddle or be extra watchful about other people’s lives, quite often their grown up off-spring because they do not have much to do themselves. Post-retirement seriously calls for a hobby or pastime that will not only give them a sense of accomplishment, fatigue them and become a part of their daily routine, so that they can enjoy life with dignity, independently and without becoming a chronic pain for others.
Marnie does these exhaustingly long-winded, car-ride-long calls and voice messages to her daughter Lori who is almost never present at the other end. As she mourns her husband’s death, Marnie pours herself out. She is subconsciously healing in her own way or at least making attempts to.
Marnie is entertaining, and a wee bit embarrassing too but she doesn’t make you cringe, because when she oversteps, she does have her own sincere way of making the other person comfortable, why else would they become her friends. Either that or it is her desperate compulsion to help which makes it all worthwhile.
Marnie is a helper and care-giver in the broadest sense of the word. Like a bloodhound, she can sense and sniff out when somebody needs help. Yes she sticks her nose into things but only to help which she does in a big way. Helping [by financing as well] her daughter’s friend arrange an official wedding, inspiring a fella at the Apple Store to resume education, and then dropping him to night school is all a part of her day to day activities.
Since she doesn’t know how to channel her grief for her husband whom she loved and has now lost— she keeps putting off what to do with his ashes. She channels her feeling, outward and making people happy keeps her happy and away from the sadness that she knows is there but she can’t deal with it at the time. What she does do is send her feelings outward. So when her daughter Lori insists on setting boundaries, overly generous and kind hearted Marnie turns to others in need of love, care and advice.
She keeps quite busy, making friends and forming relationships. It’s never too late is it, is what Scafaria is telling us in the film. Marnie connects with people who allow her to do so and makes a marked difference in their lives.
“I can relate to her feelings of loneliness and trying to date again after you’ve been in a long relationship, even though my spouse didn’t die,” comments Sarandon. “Starting out again and figuring out, as an older person, how that works and trying to be there for your kids but at the same time not be too meddling. I am a meddler and they meddle back.”
Byrne is great as Lori, who misses her dad, and seeing her mother reminds her of the two of them, which is heart-breaking for her but she doesn’t let her mother know that until the end of the film. “It’s a great relationship to explore,” Byrne said about her role in the film. Lori’s break up with her boyfriend aggravates the situation even more for her and this leads to friction between the two. Ofcourse, mothers generally are the easiest target for all exasperation and frustration brought on by the rest of the world. When daughters [and sons] realise that they let it all out on their mother, a little hug and a tiny sorry and all is forgotten by moms. Marnie and Lorie’s dynamic is equal parts warmth and friction, fabulously played by Sarandon and Byrne.
Creating a script out of her relationship with her own mother, Scafaria turns the film into a light and heartfelt tribute to mothering, where music is an important element in the film and certainly feeds your soul. Marnie listens to Beyonce’s I Am Here, whereas her love interest Zipper listens to Dolly Parton, and music cues build to an absolutely glorious Angel of the Morning that works in the film marvellously.
J.K. Simmons as the charming and gentle senior male lead is fabulous as Zipper, the retired cop who is alone, single and hiding his emotional bruises, and Marnie helps him sort out his relationship with his daughter, and in doing this discovers a soul mate.
The film belongs to mothers and daughters. There’s a good chance you’ll want to Whatspp your mother after you have watched it. Daughters might want to think on the lines that mothers are human too, they are people/person first and then your mother. They do have fears, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and may need help.
They might not tell you stuff that might worry or upset you such as feeling unwell, because then you will bombard them about staying healthy and being careful. They might not tell you they fell down for obvious reasons that you will want to curtail their movement. They may not tell you that they suffer too on various accounts because you will harshly tell them to deal with the issue. A little patience, a little love, a little understanding is more than celebrating Mother’s Day as a compulsion.
Back to our questions. When did you last have a chat with your mom, a heart to heart one? When did you last take her out shopping or for lunch? When did you last acknowledge an achievement or positive attribute of hers? Is she saying something? Listen up.