Marriage is unpredictable. Touted to be one of the biggest decisions one might make in life, there is no way to ascertain that the partner one chooses is the one with whom they are meant to be, or with whom one's varying areas of compatibility resonate. The conversation becomes far more convoluted when viewing marriage from a social lens, questioning the active presence of agency that becomes a decisive factor for men and women. The very gendered aspect of marriage cannot be ignored either, and is a discussion from which many knowingly shy away.
Where marriage is an eventual decision for many, it is also deemed to be an inevitable one for most women; a rite of passage that one must experience, lest they run the risk of invasive questioning, assumptions attached to one’s character, and incessant labeling. For many in the subcontinent, it is not a decision within the grasp of their own being, to begin with. With agency swimming in murky waters in South Asian households in particular, a marriage often ends up becoming a mutual agreement between families, as opposed to a well-informed, consensus between the individuals whose lives are being planned by those who claim to possess infinite wisdom.
Despite the uncertainty that surrounds the concept of marriage, it is one of the most profitable, and capitalised-upon industries. A marriage, depending on the level of one’s positionality in society, is no longer just a binding contract that ushers two individuals into wedlock. No - it is a grand commemoration; a celebration of the intertwining of two souls and families, but on a scale where status remains on display, in one way or another. Amidst the rabbit hole of not knowing, the pressure to find a partner, and the eventual planning of the extravaganza that follows, one may find themselves thinking: I have never been less prepared.
Amongst all this, when a show like Indian Matchmaking hits the scene, one finds relief in numerous ways. While it is a light watch, and the humorous, albeit traditional quips by Sima Taparia from Mumbai keep one entertained, one also, in a strange way, feels seen. Perhaps, one sees aspects of themselves in Nadia Jagessar, who begins her journey towards love in the first season with one seemingly set goal in mind, faltering eventually in the second season, only to take back a valuable karmic lesson. One may also see themselves in Aparna Shewakramani, the woman with nerves and values of steel, who not only knows what she wants, but refuses to settle, come what may, focusing on personal development as a key building block in life.
Regardless of whom one relates to in Indian Matchmaking, or which character one can point to and see their circle of influence in, the series, inclusive of all the discourse surrounding it, has been an absolute game-changer. Audiences have learned, loved, laughed, and lost with the characters of Indian Matchmaking, and thus, it is only fair that the brains of some of these individuals be picked for sage advice regarding marriage, love, relationships, and one’s own sense of self.
Authenticity to one’s self and others
Viral Joshi, a participant in the second season of Indian Matchmaking, who found love in the form of Aashay with Sima Taparia’s help, remained a steadfast believer in the checklist she had in mind on the show. For her, staying true to what she wanted stemmed from a desire to be authentic to herself - undoubtedly, a vital cog in the overall machinery of relationships.
"Being disingenuous to the self during the rishta process will only hurt oneself," states Viral. "All the items on my “checklist” were important to me. Being authentic and comfortable with myself allowed me to be that way with Sima aunty, and ultimately, lead me to a loving partner in a genuine relationship."
"Authenticity to [the] self is the most important part of the whole process and life in general," says Shital Patel, another iron-willed participant from Season 2. "You want to bring your genuine self to any relationship, and that must be cultivated within yourself first. If you don’t bring your authentic self, I do think it’s hard to have deep meaningful bonds in the long-term with another person."
“I strongly feel,” begins Pradhyuman Maloo, a fan favourite whose quest for love spanned two seasons, “that authenticity to yourself is a key component when you are in the process of moving towards marriage, as it helps put the boxes together for what you seek in your potential partner. It’s very critical to be able to understand yourself better, as well [as] to know beforehand what sort of things one is willing to compromise on along with the aspects that are strictly a deal breaker.”
“Authenticity of self will be the biggest tool for success for anyone going through the rishta process,” states another Indian Matchmaking veteran, Aparna. “When we are happy with the life we are building for ourselves, we make more room for a partner who is on the same page and who can join us in that beautiful journey.”
Indeed, being true to who one is during the matchmaking process seems to be a microcosm for the large-scale genuineness needed to ensure some form of smooth-sailing in one's life, and the resounding agreement of all participants from the show with this train of thought, sheds light on just how important this is, as a whole.
Making communication a founding factor
“Communication is the foundation to any successful partnership,” begins Viral. “Partners should be able to openly share their thoughts and feelings with one another without any fear of the bond breaking, judgment, or anger. [Moreover], I think shared culture and values [are] really important. All relationships can have communication, but I think how South Asian relationships differ is that they place emphasis on pairings of a shared culture.”
Shital, too, places emphasis on the need for communication, and “being comfortable with having tough conversations.”
“I think that even if you come from a similar background as your partner,” she says, “no two people have had the same experience. Learning to communicate effectively deepens the bond between partners and allows for a space of growing together.”
Being your own best friend
“I think I used to always put a lot of pressure on myself to make the dates I went on to be successful,” says Viral. “So many people around me were getting engaged or had boyfriends. The stress I put myself under was not worth it. If I had to date differently, I would be kinder to myself and acknowledge that I can still go out and have a great time with someone and it not be a match, and that’s [okay]. Because, the person meant for you will find you. I also want to emphasise [that] dating is not a competition.”
“I don’t aim for 60% to 70% in my professional life, my relationships, with friends, and family, so why would I settle for anything less than 100% in my life partner? questions Shital, while addressing Sima aunty’s mantra regarding compromise. “It must be the type A in me. I am happy I stuck to what I believed I deserved, because in the end I did get 100% with my current partner.”
“I remain open to meeting my partner in any situation in which I have the ultimate decision-making in whether that person is the right person for me,” states Aparna. “Personal agency remains the most important part of any process I take part in.”
“Like all women, I am multi-faceted, even if that is not shown on an edited show,” she continues. “I am a daughter, sister, loving friend, and now bestselling author. I am building a life I am proud of and continue to search for my partner. My desire is to continue living a life on my own terms, outside of what society pressures women to do, be, and achieve.”
With these nuggets of information as one’s basic guiding principle, one can, perhaps, make well-rounded decisions when it comes to something as pivotal as marriage. While factors like privilege, gender, and socioeconomic strata will always play a role in the way one’s life pans out, perhaps doing the absolute best in a personal capacity, where the opportunity arises, can, indeed, go a long way.
Sajeer Shaikh is a freelance writer. All information and facts provided are the sole responsibility of the writer.