Sitting alone in my bathroom with a stack of comics and no impending work.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My ability to be perpetually broke.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Their refusal to give me mass amounts of money because they love me so.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Apple products. I want them all and can’t afford any.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Naïveté.
On what occasion do you lie?
I am a comedian. We never lie. Even when a comedian is lying he is being more honest than normal people.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
A shorter list would be what I like about my appearance. I have a lovely navel.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
The ability to argue along rational and linear lines.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Not being a man.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Unprintable curse words. I suffer from severe potty-mouth.
When and where were you happiest?
1999, Karachi. Summer vacations and it was me and my best friends just goofing off for three months. Ah, the halcyon days of youth.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Singing. I sound like a crow giving birth. Singers are inherently sexy, the bastards.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Physique. I yearn to be buff without doing any of the exercise required.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
The first hour long stand-up show I ever did. That and the birth of my daughter (but my wife gets more credit for that one).
What is your most treasured possession?
My iPod touch. Now, just because I said it, watch me lose it.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Standing on stage the moment after your opening joke failed.
If you didn’t do your current job, what would you choose to do?
Write full-time. It was a dream that got waylaid by reality.
What is your most marked characteristic?
I like to think it’s my sardonic wit. Others say it’s my annoying inability to shut up.
Who is your hero of fiction?
Roland the Gunslinger from Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Thomas Jefferson. I love nation building and having affairs with slaves.
Who are your heroes in real life?
Stephen Fry, the man is a genuine polymath. Alan Moore, a writer who manages incredible complexity of thought. Patton Oswalt, Marc Maron, Jimmy Pardo, Stewart Lee (all great comedians currently working).
What is your greatest regret?
Asking out that girl in ninth grade. I don’t think my confidence ever recovered from the outright rejection.
What’s your favourite quote?
I tend to loathe quotes. They are all pithy and gimmicky like, “The meaning of life is that life has no meaning.” Stupid.
Published in The Express Tribune, November 21st, 2010.
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