Of purrs and pussy cats

Have cougar-cub relationships lost their roar?

KARACHI:

I’m all about female empowerment and women taking on every aspect, trend and activity previously predated by men. So seeing the spirited Samantha Jones from the 90s show “Sex and The City” dating a boy who must’ve been an infant when she menopaused left me stupefied. Here was a woman, albeit fictional, who was turning the age-old phenomenon of the older man dating younger woman on its ugly head. It made me wonder that if facially handicapped Woody Allen, Larry King and Hugh Hefner can get nubile, unwrinkled ladies at their constant disposal, so why can’t unassuming 40 and 50-year-old women find men who don’t smell like Ensure?

However, the grandiose failure, of some of the biggest cougar-cub relationships, one after another, and the portrayal of cougars on the media, makes me wonder if these urban cats are merely pathetic women desperately trying to hold onto their youth rather than dignified feminists breaking taboos?

Demi Moore — The queen cougar

She’s old enough to have Adam and Eve’s autographs, but dumb enough to fail a urine test. Seriously, why would someone, whose face defies every Newtonian law and whose riches could buy an alternate universe, decide to, go out, no, in fact get emotionally involved, with a man whose lifetime achievement is playing pranks! Demi should’ve been the one to kick Douche-ton Kutcher on his butt.

Word of advice: You’re freaking Demi Moore, act like it!

Madonna: Baby Lover

After going around the block and then some, Madonna ran out of all eligible and ineligible Hollywood men. So she did the next best thing — start stealing her teenaged daughter’s boyfriends. Okay, she didn’t exactly steal. But that doesn’t mean she couldn’t call model 22-year-old Jesus Luz one of her dependants. Besides Luz, almost all of Madonna’s beaus have been not a day older than embryo. Take for instance — Guy Ritchie, Alex Rodriguez and her current beau Brahim Zaibat.

Word of advice: If your boyfriend’s mother is as old as you are, maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship.

Jennifer Lopez — A cougar in disguise

We get that the emaciated shorty she called her ex-husband was so disappointing in certain areas that she had to latch onto the first thing that came in the 0.0001 mile radius but did she have to choose Dancey Smurf aka Casper Smart — a man boy who needs a monthly stipend from mama lo?

Word of advice: Of all the young models, rockers, actors, you chose him? Really, him? How lonely are you?

Mariah Carey — Disturbing cougar

If Mariah Carey was a man, she’d be a raging paedophile! No really, watch her “All I Want From Christmas” video featuring Justin Bieber where she makes ‘I-will-devour-your-sweet-(insert any Bieber part) eyes at him and you’ll know exactly what I mean. When she’s not busy exposing her granny bits every chance she gets, she trots around with her toddler Nick Cannon. Dealing with a diva and satisfying her errrm demands must’ve been difficult for Cannon as the poor guy just had (cough) kidney failure. Hope, that’s not just a euphemism.

Word of advice: Stop it, just stop it, cover up and stop endangering that child’s life!

Farah Khan — The Bollywood cougar

The Bollywood choreographer’s marriage proves that if you marry someone eight years younger than yourself, your friends are not going to take your husband seriously and slap him around every now and then. Proof is Khan’s bestie Shahrukh Khan, giving a full-blown rapta to her husband Shirish Kunder for what seems like no valid reason.

Word of advice: With all the wonderful choreography you do, isn’t it about time you choreographed your love life a bit better.

Published in The Express Tribune, February 10^th, 2012.