The Goat-Spy Letters — VII

In which Jassasa learns how the Benevolent Mischief of the Dark Pate ended the violent dealings of the past

Apropos Master,

You ought to read up on the traditions of ascension to power in the designated land. A comprehensive publication on the subject is wanting but I will endeavour to bring you in this communiqué a summary of the local caprices and fashions that I have constructed from a study of sundry ancient sources, local billboards and press reports. These trends can be broadly separated into three periods.

At the start of history it pleased the qutubs that the commander of the faithful be ‘whole of body’. One assumes that ‘soundness of mind’ was implied therein because the brain is nothing if not an organ. Ergo the need for the newly nominated caliphs to assemble their male siblings and make a collage with their severed ears and sliced noses and upon the arousal of necessity, throwing in the occasional lopped head for bold effect. Females were saved disfigurement and beheading because happily, they lacked that key bodily organ, namely; the male reason.

I am convinced more than ever, Master, that providence settles things for the best. Imagine the scenario if the wily females were similarly endowed and had reasoned back with the qutubs. Being stabbed in one’s back with reason is a mighty OUCH! One must be grateful the gory thing did not happen.

But I must return to the issue in hand. The reign of the mughals ushered in the second period of violent dealings. The power brokers brought in confiscation of sight of the male siblings (performed by the act of forcible blinding) to replace the ritualistic harvesting of their noses and ears. This amendment, which deemed an ocular impediment more potent than one which was aural and nasal, was doubtless based on the simple logic that the sight of the throne might provoke a potential seeker powerfully enough to grow a new nose and pair of ears, whereas the smell or sound of the throne would affect him less strongly. A sound logic it was too: Mughal history has recorded no untoward longing for the throne in the blind.

But things do not remain the same ever. My arrival in these parts coincided with an altogether new fashion in the ascension process. Named the ‘Benevolent Mischief of the Dark Pate’, it has done away with the severing and blinding altogether. The contestants for power — once they have lost their hair worrying about securing it — now vie with each other to regrow a thick, full pate.

It is not known who came up with this new fashion but it is considered a silent coup against the females who have been effectively shut out from access to power as they are both incapable of shedding hair as profusely as men, and, given their innate vanity, unwilling to contemplate the notion.

The beneficiaries are men of a certain age. All kinds of medicinal and surgical aids are deployed in their service. But it being a new trend, not everyone seems fully oriented in its rules. Take, for example, the case of that dashing dodger, the Lord Chief of the Crows. He is apparently, ill-informed about it as he tends a profuse hairy growth inside his belly. Or does he know something others don’t? Is a new fashion about to emerge? Only time will tell.

He is not the only one who can spring a surprise, though. Many an implanted secret grows under toupees and peaked caps. I will not give in to the temptation of using a pun here and call it a hair-raising spectacle, but I will say this: There are only two operative words in the term ‘Benevolent Mischief of the Dark Pate’.

My hairy Master should not worry himself on account of this fashion, and on no account must he start shedding in anxiety as he is wont to. I hear all kinds of theories. To hasten Master’s advent, the qutubs may begin allowing the false messiahs to appear in twins or even triplets. If Master begins shedding in ecstasies of emotion, he might not be able to put in a good appearance.

Anxiously,

Jassasa

Published in The Express Tribune, July 6^th, 2011.