Mr know it all

Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

Every day when he comes back from work, my husband flicks on the TV and sits in front of it, eyes glazing over, for around an hour-and-a-half. During this time, nothing I do or say can distract him. It’s ruining our social life — because of his habit, we can only go out after 10:00 pm and end up being late to everything we are invited to. All in all, it drives me up the wall. Why does he do this, and how can I get him to break out of his vegetative stupor?

Peeved

A.The problem here is not your husband and his little TV watching session, you selfish, selfish woman...it’s you! Give the poor guy a break, all he’s asking for is an hour-and-a-half of me-time where he doesn’t have to be working or attending a soiree you signed him up for. Nobody likes a nagging wife so quit whining and start treating your man like the hero he is... which means that from now on, instead of constantly bitching about how he’s not being there for you for those 90 minutes after spending the whole day earning you a lifestyle, you’re going to try being a little more endearing. Hard work, I know, but you can start by accepting his harmless quirks and snuggling with him on the couch while he unwinds... you’ll be surprised at how well you can bond with your man during this time... and I’m not just talking about the comfort level you’ll be building for when you go denture shopping together in a few years!





Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

One of my wife’s girlfriends is going through a personal crisis. This means that she calls my wife at around 1:00 am every night and they talk for about two hours –— every night. I can’t stand this friend now, and I can’t stand her mid-thirties crisis either. How do I reclaim my wife?

Neglected husband

A. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your wife’s best friend is her first true soul mate and confidante. She’s probably been there for her through every single emotional crisis, and now it’s payback time. There’s absolutely no point wasting your time hating or trying to create a wedge between the two because chances are their relationship predates yours by at least a decade, and for all you know, they may even have a suicide pact together! The sooner you accept that the better you’ll sleep…unless your sleep isn’t what you’re really pissed off about in the first place, in which case my whole answer just went to waste, didn’t it?



Q. Dear Mr Know It All,

Can you tell me, once and for all, whether women find facial hair attractive or not? Whenever I sport a goatee, some women call me a ‘mullah,’ others say I’m channelling Jared Leto. What’s the verdict?

Confused

A. I don’t think it’s possible to know which look will tickle a specific woman’s fancy without a little experimentation. In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with sporting a beard — if it has shape. Feral outgrowths of hair that start below your eyes and run right into that angry turf of chest hair were more in vogue thirty years ago. Today, they’re just sad and widely unacceptable...unless of course, the woman you’re trying to impress has a thing for macho mullahs. I’m not for patchy, cotton-candy beards either — they’re just plain ugly. Also avoid going for the two-day-stubble look if you have dark skin, because it will make you look — and I’m saying this politely — unwashed. Imagine Ajay Devgan or Sunil Shetty in one of their early films. Not a pretty sight, right?

Published in The Express Tribune, Sunday Magazine, April 10^th,  2011.