Govt issues new 10-point anti-terrorism plan

Terrorism remains state’s top priority - otherwise why would they spend so much on their own security?

Terrorism remains a top priority for the government of Pakistan. If our leaders were not concerned about terrorism, why would they spend so much on their own security?

From the safety of their houses and offices, the government is showing that they care about the wellbeing of the average Pakistani and issuing a tough 10-point anti-terrorism plan. The government claims that this plan will work better than the National (in)Action Plan and ensure the eradication of terrorism in Pakistan.

The ten points are as follows:

1) No public gatherings whatsoever

Punjab Law Minister Rana Sanaullah has finally admitted the incapability of laws to do anything and recommended a ban on public gatherings - as long as there is no public, there will be no bombings targeting the public; nobody wants to waste their bombs on less than 10 people. His brilliant idea to limit the damage caused by terrorists was lauded by the government.



2) No protests

We have to show terrorists we are united, and as such, all forms of protests have been banned by the government. It does not matter if we are actually united or not, we just have to pretend. The government does not care about actual unity – it just doesn't like hearing all the criticism.

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3) No freedom of expression

If today you criticise the government, tomorrow somebody can bomb a government installation because…logic. What is to stop a terrorist from claiming that his right to explode comes under his freedom of expression? What if the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan decide to pass off their attacks as high art? It is better to address the root cause and ban all forms of expression. Period. When there is no cow, there will be no nihari.

4) Blame the media

Taking a leaf - no, an entire tree - out of US President Donald Trump’s book, the government has decided that the media is responsible for spreading terrorism in Pakistan. The terrorists simply 'kill' people but it is the media that 'tells' everyone that people have died. The terrorists can only affect thousands of lives; it is the media that makes millions of people unhappy. In order to make Pakistan great again, the media must be curbed, and if it is not, then all future tragedies will be the fault of the media. The government takes no responsibility.



5) Bring the terrorists into the political fold

Remember in school how the teacher would make the naughtiest kid in class the monitor to ensure peace? If it works in fifth grade then it will also work for Pakistan. The government has decided to befriend all terrorists and turn them into election candidates; its message to terrorists: why bomb things when you can seize power and exploit, abuse and steal things?

6) Build more roads

The biggest problem faced by the country immediately after a terrorist attack is that there are not enough roads for people to escape. By building more roads, underpasses and flyovers, the government wants to give citizens the option of taking multiple routes to non-existent hospitals. Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif is a firm believer in the proverb: where there's a will there's a way, and he hopes his elder brother wills it all to Hamza Shahbaz.

7) Travel

It's very stressful to live in constant fear of the next terrorist attack in Pakistan. The government cannot think clearly in these troubling circumstances so the leaders have decided that they will constantly travel to safer countries where they can feel more relaxed and come up with better plans to save Pakistan.

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There must be no acknowledgement of any terrorism or violence while the leaders are outside of Pakistan.



8) More cars in the convoy

The government’s top priority is saving Pakistanis and there is no one more Pakistani than the government itself. As such all official convoys, including convoys of immediate relatives of government officials, will be tripled. If there are more cars, the more confused the terrorists will be about which car the target is in. They will get so confused that they will give up being a terrorist altogether. It is a foolproof plan to reduce terrorism in Pakistan. Government officials are actually suffering from having to travel with a 100-car convoy each time they have to go out to help the common person, but they will continue to do so to serve this nation.

9) Start a war elsewhere

As we all know, terrorists are just people who get a kick from engaging in violence and terrorism; they have no beliefs and no history, they just want a war. So why not give them a war somewhere else to fit in? If we can manage to start enough wars elsewhere then the terrorists would be tempted by those wars and just move away to greener pastures. We can even train new terrorists and plant them elsewhere to tempt existing terrorists to join them.

10) Redefine terrorism

The government of Pakistan has improved the economy by redefining the parameters of calculation. It has reduced the financial deficit by rearranging the numbers. Why can’t it reduce terrorism by simply redefining what terrorism is?



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Not every blast is a terrorist attack. Sometimes it’s just a gas explosion. Sectarian attacks are not terrorism. Attacks against women are not terrorism. Systematic violence is not terrorism. It's only terrorism when we say it's terrorism – look at how little terrorism has happened in our government’s tenure because we have chosen not to define all the other things that happened in our tenure as terrorism.

This article is a work of satire.