Let’s move to India

If you like India so much, go to India. If you like pizzas so much, go to Italy. If you like Donald Trump, go to hell. Basically, just go. I am sick of the traffic on Shahrah-e-Faisal and the waiting time at Kolachi; why are more people not leaving this country?

I have seen the show Last Man on Earth and they look like they are having so much fun. If I was the Last Man in Pakistan I could finally get a girlfriend.

My ancestors did not pick up all their belongings and move slightly to the west 69 years ago so that one day I have to stand in line to get tickets to watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. Fawad Khan and Ranbir Kapoor fighting over the same girl is the very embodiment of the two-nation theory. Ranbir and Fawad are two separate people from every definition therefore they should have a separate movie. If starting a war with India can get Fawad Khan back to Pakistan then all the sacrifices will be worth it.



If I cannot get tickets to that movie then I would rather have all Indian movies banned in Pakistan. Did we ever think about all the poor hardworking DVD store owners who make their money illegally by downloading somebody else’s art onto a DVD and selling them for a profit before these movies can be screened legally, making legitimate businesses money and increasing the government’s tax revenue? No, you just think about yourself, don’t you Alina? If I cannot watch another Bollywood movie with you Alina, I will never watch another one again, and nobody else will as well. While we are at it, can every potential guy that Alina likes also be sent to India please?

Look at how well our local industry was doing before we allowed Indian movies to be screened. There were no multiplexes and we came out with a movie every three years. I did not have to pretend to be sick to cancel all these movie plans. There is too much pressure now to try and keep up. I, for one, am glad that I will not be spending Rs500 on a box of popcorn ever again. Watching Humayun Saeed pretend he is 25 is excruciating enough on its own.

We know Bollywood is RAW’s secret weapon to impose Indian ideology onto Pakistan. They make movies like Bajrangi Bhaijaan to lure us into thinking that human beings live on the other side of the border, whereas we all know there are no people living in India, only Indians. If there were human beings, they would have migrated to Pakistan in 1947. Look at Salman Khan’s body, there is no way he is a human being. Aamir Khan even admitted to being an alien in the documentary PK.

Why have a multiplex where you can watch movies from around the world in Karachi? If you want to watch a Hollywood movie and a Bollywood movie on the same day then you better be ready to fly to India first, watch the movie then fly to America to watch the other one.



Why have restaurants where you can get different cuisines? If you like Chicken Manchurian so much, move to China. Look at how successful China is. Do you think they got there by giving their people freedom?

Look at how successful the British were in Pakistan with the same land and the same people pre-Partition. We have now sucked the work ethic out of those people by giving them the Internet. Every Pakistani child is now more apt at bypassing proxies than they are at working in the fields.

There is only one way to get these children out of the comfort of their homes and on to the fields to work: cyber bullying. Every troll online telling every child that they are an Indian agent, Jewish Illuminati member and RAW-is-WAR lover are doing the country a service.

Kids, you might like Big Boss on Colors channel today but think about the biggest boss you will have to answer to on the Day of Judgment. No person who has ever watched Star Plus will ever be allowed into heaven. What would you rather go to heaven or keep up with Parvati’s fourth failed marriage?

It is time Pakistan is taken over by Pakistanis. This country was made for people who want to be here and not people who want to mooch the country’s resources, then also look at Ranbir Kapoor’s dreamy eyes on YouTube. It is about time we play the break-up song for all of them: These channa are not mereya.

All I am saying is that I really want to watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil! #Trump2016

The article is a work of satire and fiction.