To err is Harvey

Thanks to an epic boo-boo by Steve Harvey, people know that the antiquated Miss Universe pageant still exists. Luckily for Harvey, most people now even know who he is. I lost track of this dinosaur of an event years back, when it became obvious that all the girls look the same, smile identically, utter the same gibberish and don’t get far in their professional lives despite winning the supposedly coveted crown.

There are infinitely better women out there on the street. I’m no prude but I don’t get why women need to be paraded in bikinis on stage and asked irrelevant questions to win a sash and a tiara. That said, I’d hate to be in Miss Columbia’s shoes — I have to hand it to her for being one hell of a sport. I’d have broken into a tug of war if they had tried removing the crown from my head after announcing me winner. Imagine celebrating being the hottest woman in the universe (which includes the eight remaining planets) for two minutes and being told in the third minute that someone else is hotter. Every woman’s nightmare laid bare. I’d have sued both the organisers and Harvey, which, incidentally, is an option Ariadna Gutierrez should explore.

While Harvey owned up to his excruciating howler, I don’t suppose Colombia will forgive him any time soon, leave aside that he even misspelled Colombia (as Columbia) in his apology tweet. What do you expect from a man who’s evidently as bad at reading as he is at spelling? I hope he’s foregone his remaining remuneration for the monumental gaffe. As for Gutierrez, she has no choice but to be remembered by people — all thanks to Harvey’s faux pas. And that might not be such a bad thing for the young lady! 

Tailpieces

1) Zayn Malik dates Gigi Hadid and #BhabiGoals begins trending on Twitter in Pakistan. Malik does the gori-struck desi boys proud — they clearly have a thing for the foreign conquests made by their countrymen. Pakistanis were quick in making the wives of Shoaib Malik, Wasim Akram and Imran Khan into their ‘bhabis’. Time to welcome Gigi Bhabi to the mix.

2) When a friend in Karachi Whatsapped an image of an ad placed in an Urdu newspaper, I asked him what the issue was. The ad features an innocuous picture of a fully clothed Nargis Fakhri, looking predictably gorgeous, with her derriere raised enticingly and holding a mobile phone in her hand. For normal human beings in the 21^st century, the image is as tame as it can get. But idlers being outraged against the ad smacks of hypocrisy and regressiveness. Pakistan’s habit of selectively riding the moral high horse while the immoral flourishes behind closed doors never ceases to surprise me. A country plagued by poverty, corruption, terrorism, sectarian killings and more, is busy wasting time raising its hackles over a kindergarten ad because the latter allegedly violates religious norms and objectifies a woman. Grow up boys!

3) The Sultan of Brunei has cancelled Christmas, threatening those who celebrate with jail or hefty fines. Muslim citizens of the tiny oil-rich country have been banned from putting up Christmas trees, singing carols and sending Christmas cards amid fears that it could lead its population astray. Christians are meant to seek prior permission to celebrate their own festival in private. Are there any Muslim-majority countries where extremism isn’t advancing and the rights of non-Muslims not being eroded?

4) As I get ready to romp away at a B-town Christmas eve do tonight, here’s wishing you all the best for the festive season. May Santa give you everything you want.

Published in The Express Tribune, December 24^th, 2015.

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