10 things I hate about restaurants

1. The insecurity. Dear waiters, please let us enjoy our food in peace. If we don’t like our food we will writhe in pain or just stop eating. Every mouthful doesn’t have to be accompanied with a refrain of “Is everything to your satisfaction?”

2. Treating diners like they’re mentally challenged. You have set down the specials board in front of us. Why do you then have to read it out? Do you really think we’re that dumb?

3. The obsequiousness. I am not an Arab prince expecting a harem at the casbah. I can top up my own drink, thank you very much.

4. The takalluf culture. The bill has arrived and everyone looks around nervously. Suddenly all five diners get into a heated argument over who will pay the bill. Except, in restaurants everyone is fighting to pay the bill, not avoid it.

5. The food. When I am told the fish is fresh, I expect it to be fresh out of the water. Not freshly unpacked from a week-old plastic bag in the freezer.

6. Asking for recommendations.  What response does the person who asks what’s good on the menu expect to get? “Well sir, the last customer who ordered the sea bass died of salmonella poisoning the next morning.”

7. Babies. I’m sure you want your kid to appreciate the finer things in life. Classical music, Rolex watches, a KGS education. But if you want your wailing brat to enjoy filet mignon, please keep him far, far away from me.

8. The music. Your menu is written in one of those classy, unreadable fonts. I have to pay a month’s wages to eat the lobster. The waiters are decked out in waistcoats and bow ties. Why, then, are you blaring “Who Let the Dog’s Out?” on your sound system?

9. Making you feel like a loser. If I have arrived only with a book, that means I would like to read and eat alone. Don’t keep asking me if I’m waiting for someone.

10. The laziness. Just because the dish washer is on his smoke break doesn’t mean I want my Pepsi in the same glass in which you served me a Sprite.

Published in The Express Tribune, August 29^th, 2010.