Out of depth, Sir!

Published: May 10, 2011

[email protected]

Sir! I have come to discuss some major general issues about our all-powerful institution. I have given a statement to the press that we can shoot down American drones anytime the civilian government gives us the order. I have also ordered the civilian government never to issue us that order.

I knew that would please you Sir. We need to immediately announce some kind of initiative to do some damage control to ensure we remain the most popular institution in the country with ordinary people. No Sir, building another golf course will not do the job.

Yes Sir, I agree that Mohammed Hanif is making trouble again. We cleverly said, “We are good, but not God,” and he turned it around by saying “We are gods, but not good”. Yes Sir, he has typical Hindu thinking. Very pantheist-type traitor. No Sir, a pantheist is not an Olympic sport.

To scare him we will send him a crate of mangoes. No Sir, I am afraid we can’t write a note that he will ‘sleep with the fishes’. After the events this month, only the Americans can credibly say that. We can only credibly say we sleep with indignity.

Sir, may I suggest that we concentrate on the youth of this country? They are the future and form the core of our support base. This is why we must concentrate with surgical precision on breakfast, the most important meal of the day. After our line of corn flakes, I suggest we also manufacture digestives because institutionally, with all this attention, I think we all feel a little constipated.

Also, I think, key strategies for the future should include more investment in strategic infrastructure so our traditional enemy across the border is defeated. Yes Sir, Emax construction will rue the day they thought they could make better townships than us.

We might have to announce some important resignations to show the world we are serious about terrorism and our recent lapse. Yes I agree, Sepoy Barkat should take the fall. I know he is from your village and is a good malishi, but some serious sacrifices must be made. This will show that we are not involved. Yes Sir, I sent Mother’s Day cards to both Mullah Omar and Ayman alZawahiri.

Yes Sir, we are trying to influence the media by having met with 20 top journalists recently. It is our democratic duty to keep them informed because we have nothing to hide, so in the interest of openness we held a secret briefing.

I also think this Haqqani group may prove to be dangerous to us. No Sir, not best friend ‘Jimmy-Jalal’, I mean Hussain Haqqani and company. I suspect they are spreading blasphemous materials and ideas, like we should be responsible to the people and their representatives. Yes Sir, I agree, they do this because they have no real knowledge of history. They probably think we also lost the 1971 war.

Published in The Express Tribune, May 11th, 2011.

Reader Comments (78)

  • Fahad Raza
    May 10, 2011 - 10:42PM

    Haha.. I think the best read of the Day Recommend

  • Informer
    May 10, 2011 - 10:44PM

    All this conversation took place Near Devil’s Point (Karachi) from a snatched mobile.Recommend

  • Atif
    May 10, 2011 - 11:33PM

    Sir like always I would not miss this golden opportunity to make this nation feel dirty about themselves. Sir and I like to criticize like my best friend Nadeem Faracha. Sir I know I am bad but I have nothing else to do. Recommend

  • Srinath
    May 10, 2011 - 11:39PM

    The institution acclaimed as the most efficient in the country has become a butt of jokes! Come to think of it, the only Pakistani to make it to the Time’s most influential 100 is now considered the most incompetent! Or was he incompetent in being complicit!Recommend

  • Humanity
    May 11, 2011 - 12:31AM

    Very creative, Fasi …

    The number of major general issues is classified and the high maintenance fee for the major general issues to stay dysfunctional is a top secret. To keep the top secrets secure, the civilian government must keep their own palms oily with the KSA black grease, specially formulated to keep the hamaam warm. The servants of this ghairut-mund nation must toil very hard to ensure that the hamaam stayed warm and its depravity stayed veiled.

    The nation of drama queens need drag queens to embarrass them into doing what is supposedly their national duty, like paying taxes, like being honest to themselves by not harboring terrorists.

    Up to May 1, every one only suspected that all were naked in there. Why did the stupid Amreekans have to blow the cover off the hamaam? Kitna mazaa ata tha OBL to dhoodnay maiN? The Ameekan are nothing but game spoilers. Cry babies …Recommend

  • Asif
    May 11, 2011 - 12:58AM

    Nooo. You tried too hard :(Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 1:09AM

    IF sarcasm and wit was a competition or a sport … this man would be the indisputable heavy weight champion of the world!!

    All in all, i give you 4.85 / 5 Jaleibis – Recommend

  • Humanity
    May 11, 2011 - 1:13AM

    “An administration populated by the most dysfunctional morons since the regimes of Caligula, who appointed his horse as a Senator, and Nero, who fiddled while Rome was burning.”

    An apt description of the rulers and administrators of the ghairut-mund nation.Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 1:18AM

    Psychedelic, glorious, and probably true, or close.Recommend

  • Waqar
    May 11, 2011 - 1:18AM

    Good job Fasi!Recommend

  • desi gurl
    May 11, 2011 - 1:33AM

    The whole situation at hand has been nicely twisted around with humor, i rather enjoyed this piece of writing!Recommend

  • Zainab
    May 11, 2011 - 1:35AM

    Haha excellent!Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 2:08AM

    did you sign off your most obedient servant?

    ;)Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 2:21AM

    Haha!! Great stuff!Recommend

  • Muhammad Javed
    May 11, 2011 - 3:42AM

    wow. After the sms propaganda, another blow on the institution whose boys will sacrifice their lives tomorrow on the borders so that Fasi can write another sarcastic article at the wastage of their lives. Nice on Fasi. I thought you had some reasoning leftRecommend

  • Wasil Arain
    May 11, 2011 - 4:27AM

    Well said, but lice on their ears wold not move.Recommend

  • sylph
    May 11, 2011 - 7:20AM

    @Muhammad Javed:
    The jawans are fighting the stupid mistakes of the arrogance of their generals, if anything Javed this should be the time people like you also demand that the army stop playing double games and treat the jawans as lives less worthyRecommend

  • sumeet
    May 11, 2011 - 7:57AM

    brilliantly written.the sentence”i have sent mothers day card to zawahiri and mullah omar”kept me laughing.oh god,spare me some laugh mr. fasi for rest of my life.btw can somebody tell me what’s the meaning of”malishi”?thanks in advance.Recommend

  • Conerned Citizen
    May 11, 2011 - 9:46AM

    HAHA Fasi Zaka @ his brilliant best ! Excellent Sir, Excellent !!!Recommend

  • Ammar
    May 11, 2011 - 10:20AM

    @Informer:

    Conversation took place at Devil’s Point with the holy cow in Lahore :)Recommend

  • True Pakistani Patriot
    May 11, 2011 - 10:28AM

    Fasi Sir, is not Sarcastic at all, Those who feel it so…is keeping his eyes closed from the FACTS……..

    We must realize it NOW that we have become FOOLS internationally due to our inability of not taking decisions on our own that too in the National interest and sovereignty.Recommend

  • Massileaks
    May 11, 2011 - 10:29AM

    Good one!! Recommend

  • Saman
    May 11, 2011 - 11:08AM

    Ouch..this one’s gonna hurt…:pRecommend

  • Whats In a Name
    May 11, 2011 - 11:16AM

    You are criticizing the Army of Pakistan. The only sane institution of the country.

    The enemies of our country are continuously targeting Pak Army and ISI, especially recently. If you are doing the same, then unknowingly or knowingly you have joined their ranks.Recommend

  • A J Khan
    May 11, 2011 - 12:21PM

    Fasi Zaka and many of his type instead of being embarrassed by what is happening to us, are mocking at the plight of the country and looking for favors from those who have ditched their previous sold-out commercial religious goons & slaves and are looking for new ones attired differently. Many in Pakistan are trying to board the band wagon and become a bonded labor.
    The fate of Pakistan is not likely to change till such time Pakistan becomes a nation ,self reliance becomes our mission, peace our vehicle of prosperity and education our vision. Recommend

  • Asad Shairani
    May 11, 2011 - 12:24PM

    SuperbRecommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 12:39PM

    Rather than supporting a fragile system, its people like these who make a mockery of national issues. There are things that happen that a common man is not privy to information and justification. Shame on the writer.Recommend

  • Imran
    May 11, 2011 - 12:49PM

    If the readership was vulnerable to the assaults of humor, they would not be able to suppress their laughter. Recommend

  • nusrat osama
    May 11, 2011 - 1:00PM

    the article is so hilarious…it hurts..Recommend

  • mente
    May 11, 2011 - 1:02PM

    and may I ask what are you doing ? likes of you get pleasure by mocking pakistan, if you are so disgusted why cant you come up with solutions. The facts are bad but we much change them not mock them. if we wont fix it who are you waiting for. i pity youRecommend

  • mente
    May 11, 2011 - 1:04PM

    @sumeet: its something like manmohan to sonia roleRecommend

  • Mueed
    May 11, 2011 - 1:19PM

    Sad, but trueRecommend

  • sylph
    May 11, 2011 - 1:28PM

    @sumeet:
    malishi is a masseuse
    @what’s in a name:
    why are the generals in this country exempt from criticism. there are satirical articles all the time on the politicians, but one pot shot at them gets people riled up? in any case it seems that the mood of the people has changed, they are tired of an institution that hides behind the civilians to take flack for their excesses. Recommend

  • Aryabhat
    May 11, 2011 - 1:38PM

    Brilliant! Simply brilliant!

    Kudos to Tribune for hosting this!Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 1:53PM

    absolutely marvelous… Recommend

  • atta
    May 11, 2011 - 1:55PM

    superb sir g!Recommend

  • disgusted
    May 11, 2011 - 2:13PM

    i refuse to believe that the only good thing this country has now is a Rhodes scholar who is trying to be funny :(Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 2:49PM

    @General Pakistan:
    is this our Salar-e-Aazam speaking ??? How many dippers does our poor givernment have to buy more?Recommend

  • khalil
    May 11, 2011 - 2:51PM

    haha

    funny but true
    :(Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 2:53PM

    @Whats In a Name:
    holy god, another Jawan talking here who just woke-up from sleep in the insulated walls of our PMA where he was so much in a peaceful sleep that he didn’t hear any god damn noise of the american choppers.?Recommend

  • Sheikh Sarmad
    May 11, 2011 - 3:50PM

    Hilary..ous!Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 4:03PM

    Good lord, Zaka, zjowanday woose. Amazing man, if nothing else this article will definitely work as a glue for both Hameed gul and the Salar-e-Azam to unite against the liberal youth of this counry and say “they are inspired by zionist propaganda and have left Islam behind”. I wonder where was the “Ghairat Brigade sleeping while Osama and the American drama was going on. Too strong and insulated walls of our Pakistani pentagon – PMA, that they didn’t hear any god damn noise of the choppers !!!
    :
    The democratic government has to come with a dippers/nappies for our sepoy/jawans, bravo. How long and how at all will i defend them now? And as if this was not enough, no resignation from the Salar-e-Azam yet asking the democratic government they should do more to pretect their dignity … Hey GodRecommend

  • Faheem Jehangir Khan
    May 11, 2011 - 4:03PM

    Lolzz… Brilliant Zaka! Recommend

  • Mr Nice
    May 11, 2011 - 4:19PM

    @write. I love you for writing this. Lovely, creative, hilarious, biting…… a master piece.Recommend

  • Shahid Ashraf
    May 11, 2011 - 4:31PM

    Good one… really witty Fasi! Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 5:00PM

    Doesn’t feel good reading this. Very well written but presents the cruel reality.Recommend

  • Pak Fauj Zindabad
    May 11, 2011 - 5:13PM

    Rubbish! These coconut liberals cannot respect the sacrifices of the Army. I lost a friend in the Army during operation Rah-e-Nijat, Rah-e-Rast 2009. Please do not insult the family of Shaheeds, the military faces the dangers and we sleep well. If it is not upto them, we know we live in a tough neighbourhood. don’t fool yourselves.

    Men at their best, Pakistan Army! Recommend

  • @sylph
    May 11, 2011 - 6:36PM

    I think it was the likes of fasi and you who made a hue and cry when taliban captured buner and became a threat to your liberal life styles, if I’m not wrong. And I also remember that back then you were criticising Pak Army for not acting to stop them. And now, when they did act against them, you are calling it all a drama? Wow. What a double standard.Recommend

  • Bighead
    May 11, 2011 - 8:48PM

    Fasi has a sense of humour. Established. Now can he please also geta senseof patriotism and respect the only institution that has sacrificed its human resource to such a vast extent only so we can get fatter? I’d like him to try and fight the enemy (conventional or taliban). But hey.. I won’t be surprised if he scares them off by just standing there – or laughing his idiotic laughter. Shameful!Recommend

  • mahmood
    May 11, 2011 - 8:55PM

    Sir, please change your picture. I can not even dare to open it after having a glance at your totally funny (laughing) style. show some maturity and seriousness.Recommend

  • dartholiver
    May 11, 2011 - 9:01PM

    “sleep with the fishes” you going all Godfather on their a** !!!Recommend

  • Talat Haque
    May 11, 2011 - 9:09PM

    Truth is to be searched , discovered and understood ………… it is found in strange places sometimes ………. in sadness, incompetence, self-criticism, self-mockery ………… don’t anyone get upset with the truth of this article …………. or any other article of faith or otherwise ………… we need to mature personally and as a people!Recommend

  • Rubab A Zaidi
    May 11, 2011 - 9:19PM

    The most hilarious read of the day!! Keep up the Good work! Recommend

  • May 11, 2011 - 10:55PM

    Brilliant satirical piece. Love you Fasi Sahib!
    We need to question our army more often and much more openly. Army is consuming most part of our revenue since day one. Tariq Ali had famously said: “Every country has army; but in Pakistan, the army has a country”.
    Its time to tame this army that has taken an entire nation hostage and to help give rise to a new, peaceful prosperous Pakistan where army would live in its own barracks and would only focus on its OWN JOB.Recommend

  • sylph
    May 11, 2011 - 10:58PM

    @Bighead:
    wait, a chubby writer needs to fight a war before he can write a satircal piece? does this means he also needs to be corrupt so he can write better about the ppp? Fasi better get a kidney transplant soon if he wants to write about the organ trade. Recommend

  • parvez
    May 11, 2011 - 11:02PM

    Died laughing. Sami Shah will have difficulty topping this.Recommend

  • Munsif Ali
    May 11, 2011 - 11:58PM

    Bravo FZ,excellent write up.You have placed the truth of the day with such a sarcastic and funny tone that I have speechless to congratulate you on such a quality write up.Keep it up bro.I am also fan of NFP and now you have also come up wid awesome article.We also need such articles in Urdu Media to educate people.Recommend

  • May 12, 2011 - 12:54AM

    Brilliant Fasi!!!
    Right on the spot!Recommend

  • SAAwais
    May 12, 2011 - 1:18AM

    To those who still treat the army as a holy cow, I have only this to say: Get your heads out of your a$$e$ before it’s too late!Recommend

  • Asad
    May 12, 2011 - 1:38AM

    Irony and subtlety is not this person’s strong suit. So much more can be said when some things are left unsaid, sir.Recommend

  • Hola.
    May 12, 2011 - 3:10AM

    I didn’t get much of it. Recommend

  • Hola.
    May 12, 2011 - 3:11AM

    It wasn’t that funny… Recommend

  • Umair
    May 12, 2011 - 9:52AM

    Sir, I think being a powerful business institution we should focus on rebranding of our products like GHQ to FAQ and Kakool acedmy to Fazool Acedmy. So we could respond the questions in a way that bounties never lived in our neighbourhood.Recommend

  • Who cares
    May 12, 2011 - 12:45PM

    Compare this institution of yours with others in world (and how other nations/media treat this institution) and then write.
    If sole purpose was to write a master piece of sarcasm then congratulations!Recommend

  • Amadeus
    May 12, 2011 - 4:13PM

    BrilliantRecommend

  • waqqas iftikhar
    May 12, 2011 - 4:37PM

    Why is any criticism of the army regarded as being ‘unpatriotic’ – if we only do a dispassionate performance analysis of our armed forces, apart from ’65 (where we managed to stave off defeat, we did not win it, it was a stalemate), all other wars have resulted in comprehensive routs including one of the largets surrenders of modern times (c.90k in 1971). How then does the armed forces deserve a major chunk of the budget? and that too without ANY audit accountability whatsoever? and please do not give us the spiel about ‘national security’ etc. tell us the truth.Recommend

  • May 12, 2011 - 5:08PM

    @Who cares:
    exactly true … how many of this institution in the world have toppled their democratic governments? In how many countries do they suck the blood of their own people like in ours? In how many countries do they run business empires? Ha, mr. can you answer, please. Recommend

  • pappu
    May 12, 2011 - 7:22PM

    Brilliant piece of writing…funny and true…and to those who think Fasi is not being patriotic….sweeping the dirt under the carpet is not patriotism. He is pointing a at ills . corruption and the high handed attitude of the elite that actually runs this country. ( and no its not the bloody civilians!!). Great work Zaka!Recommend

  • Nael
    May 12, 2011 - 8:50PM

    Pathetic and not funny at all. Fasi your sarcasm is cheap and below the belt. Your work is tasteless and you will continue to dance to the tune of your masters. You wouldn’t dare write a neutral piece. Anyone sincere would critique and then offer good advice but not you. You are blinded, bought or misguided, God knows what but you certainly aren’t seeing straight. Recommend

  • Afzal Khan
    May 12, 2011 - 11:53PM

    Classical satire !!!Recommend

  • Rajan Singh
    May 13, 2011 - 5:14AM

    WOW Man ! Very Bold. Sarcasm at its best lolz “surgical precision” piece was the best. well fasi ….:)Recommend

  • Butterfly
    May 13, 2011 - 9:52AM

    “I have also ordered the civilian government never to issue us that order.” Loved it the most :), this sentence is the crux of the happenings around us. Brilliant piece of writing. Keep it up Fasi.Recommend

  • Benish
    May 13, 2011 - 10:08AM

    Loved the satire.. Gud job :)Recommend

  • Sehrish
    May 13, 2011 - 12:51PM

    bullseye…very well written!Recommend

  • Zarmeena Ikram Babar
    May 14, 2011 - 11:03AM

    Yet another brilliant piece written by you Mr.Fasi Zaka!
    Keep it up ! ! ! Recommend

  • Shoaib Rabbani
    May 14, 2011 - 7:34PM

    Haha.. Very nice, liked your style of writing! There is so much difference in your humor and that of NFP! Well done! Recommend

  • farhat
    May 15, 2011 - 1:35PM

    lets stop sarcasm and sow some nationalism insteadRecommend

  • Daniyal
    May 21, 2011 - 9:26PM

    Brave work Fasi. You tried to show a mirror to the strongest institution in Pakistan. Whether they see it or not, it’s entirely a different question. Recommend

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