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			<title>Satirical song on Israel-UAE ‘relations’ divides internet</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/2342781/satirical-song-on-israel-uae-relations-divides-internet</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/2342781/satirical-song-on-israel-uae-relations-divides-internet#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 09 Feb 22 17:07:39 +0500</pubDate>
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				<![CDATA[Social Desk]]>
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			<category><![CDATA[POLITICS]]></category><category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=2342781</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[In her song ‘Dubai, Dubai’, Israeli comedian Noam Shuster-Eliassi highlights ruthless brutality against Palestinians]]>
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				<![CDATA[A &quot;very interesting&quot; Israeli song surfaced on the internet recently which divided social media users in the Arab world.

Israeli comedian Noam Shuster-Eliassi&#39;s satirical song, titled Dubai, Dubai, highlights the &quot;political bond&quot; between the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and Israel.

The UAE is often considered to be representative of Arab views and concerns. However, in recent years, the political relations established between the two countries has caused quite a stir in many countries.



It is interesting if not surprising that the composer of the song is an Israeli comedian. Eliassi is an ardent supporter of the Palestinian plight despite her nationality. In her song, she emphasises Israel&#39;s colonial brutality and ruthless cruelty that has displaced several Palestinians in favour of illegal settlements for foreign Jews.

Eliassi, who is fluent in Arabic, sang her &quot;controversial&quot; song on the Arabic-language station Makan 33.

&quot;There is nothing better than Arabs who have millions and forgot about Nakba. They forgot about Palestine,&quot; the comedian sings. The powerful lyric brings the Palestinian exodus to the world&#39;s attention. Nakba, also known as the Palestinian catastrophe, is the mass displacement and forcible destruction of Palestinian homes and land by Israeli forces in 1948.

&quot;Dubai, Dubai. Burning the consciousness of Arabs. And just like Dubai, they forgot the blockaded Gaza.&quot;

This powerful lyric reminds the audience of the raid that happened in Al-Aqsa last summer. The bombings that occurred in Gaza following the raid is another testimony to Israel&#39;s cruelty towards Palestinians.

The song caused a stir and divided sentiments online.

Abier, a Palestinian Twitter user, tweeted her amusement at the fact that the song will infuriate Emiratis.



Is this @ShusterNoam ? Omg lol

this&rsquo;s gonna piss a lot of Emiratis, the cute المطبعين #Israel pic.twitter.com/FN6iNf8BCV
&mdash; Abier (@abierkhatib) January 13, 2022


In a response to Abier&#39;s tweet, another social media user Ahmed Ghanim offered more information on the song, stating that it is a mix of Hebrew and Arabic.



The song is mixed of Arabic and Hebrew, it talkes about how UAE collaborates with Israel against PALESTINE. Also talkes about how Arab forgot PALESTINE and the suffering of the Palestinian people.
The Singer is Jewish i suppose, that&#39;s why we appreciate what she does.
Sincerely
&mdash; Ahmad Ghanim 𓂆 (@CallMeA7mad) January 14, 2022


This is not the first time that the comic has received a lot of attention online. In 2019, she sarcastically proposed to Saudi Prince Muhmmad bin Salman.

Eliassi, who refuses to be reduced to nationality, has always vocalised the Palestinian plight and sees herself as a comedian for Israeli and Arab relations.





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			<title>Paap Culture: CD70s beaming on one wheel after Joker manages to cross the bridge</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/2103779/paap-culture-cd70s-beaming-one-wheel-joker-manages-cross-bridge</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/2103779/paap-culture-cd70s-beaming-one-wheel-joker-manages-cross-bridge#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 21 Nov 19 08:46:11 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[amna.iqbal]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category><category><![CDATA[Film]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=2103779</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[You know it’s the end of times when testosterone-laden boys on Sea View are woke to a DC film]]>
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				<![CDATA[If I had a sense of humour, I'd laugh out loud every time some poor sod has claimed indignation at the reality of mental illness, now that it's endorsed by Lady Gaga or Deepika Padukone. But it is indeed the end of times if testosterone-laden boys blaring out their Oedipal complexes on Sea View are woke to, um, a DC production.

Comfortably Numb

This year's wave of the absurd and unfathomable brought us the origin story of DC’s most beloved villain, the Joker. And of course; Priyanka Chopra's dress at the Met Gala.  Even if we now know why chickens crossroads, we'll never know how to stop empathising with mass murderers. Or just stop empathising, really. However with empathy being the new pink and Arthur revealed in an Om Shanti Om – esque incarnation of Batman’s saving grace as a super-hero, DC forgot the devil in the details bit as they signed the contract of Soul Purchase by Satan Inc without reading the fine print.

[caption id="attachment_2055681" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: INSTAGRAM/PRIYANKA CHOPRA[/caption]

Joker remained Batman’s Achilles Heel, hence validating his existence. No one knew why this guy with an uncanny insight into the misery of human condition is a villain with no real incentive to kill when his kind can easily be philosophers. They don’t fit into the 'real' world, know more about everything and nothing, and disregard the one true origin of existence. Joker was scary primarily because he could be any one of us, but now with his origin firmly established, even the Dalai Lama agrees there’s a need to remediate the villainous nature of Arthur/Joker. He has called for a global halt on the quest for world peace and empathise more with the murderers instead of the murdered.

The Ministry of Magic and the UN have unanimously made empathy a basic human need and everyone now has the right to use mental illness as the reason to set forest fires. We are so empathetic to the number of mental disorders doing the rounds this season; Louis Vuitton has designed a range of Aunty bags for a psych ward retreat, everyone and their mothers are in touch with their feminine side, even feminists. Forget dengue or even cancer, unless you want to look like you picked one during the post-fall sale, you should go get this season's designer mental illness today.



Also murdering Bruce Wayne's parents (spoiler alert, bet you already knew that though), is totally justified. Ordering mixed Popcorn, though, with a smattering of extra caramel is a sign of borderline personality disorder, not putting up a status update about #Joker and #mentalhealth is social atrophia and refusing to pay my therapist means I'm a chronic t**t.

Since I have refused all medication and I live with being a T**t, the film made me wonder if Jaoquin Phoenix knew what DC productions were doing to him. If he had agreed to become the face, well chalky mask of a new world order.

He delivers a beautifully crafted performance with such earnestness; he is that guy you wish you had stopped to help. There's grief embodied in a character that is more Phoenix than the manic murderer. As he becomes more prolific in his Mass murderer career than he ever was as a standup comedian, he evokes a V for Vendetta dystopia, everyone’s batshit crazy and it’s either him with the fragility of Natalie Portman to reorder a world gone to hell or the Lama signing up for Miss World pageant. The possibility of the first Miss World to win because she’s actually a Buddhist monk and refuses to wish for world peace is more jarring than Joker murdering me in my sleep.



The software update on Joker also sends Batman back to pre-Dark Knight ages. Heath Ledger had worked himself to death to make sure Batsignals work during Ashura and Chand Raat. But guess who the good guy is now? Seriously who is it because I can’t decide. Alfred has to once again ensure a steady supply of warm milk and cookies, along with Bat gadgets so that poor little rich Batman gets his Arsenal to quit warming chairs and go after the bad guys.

Arthur, on the other hand, becomes the Grim Reaper's Twitter handle after an onslaught of Murphy's Law enforcement. He piles on makeup, as a nod to gender bender #2019, and sets out to grieve humanity in his dystopian avatar. The Joker is heroic for at least showing up despite all the suffering, more so because the poor guy makes it not just in time but also at the wrong time. It's Hollywood though; nuances are for obscure film festivals so without wasting any more attention span, we know why exactly he's so serious. He gets the last laugh, only that he won’t claim it.



He can’t for the life of him, seem to revel in the violence that unfolds. And that’s how the film embodies a collective schizophrenia that grips our sense of reality. His super ethical therapist has reassured him of his 30-page-long list of disorders, and a get out of jail pass.

It’s 1981, Gotham city is a cesspool of crime anyway yet no one bothers to check that the Big Book of Disorders by Dr. Deepak Chopra is still lying in a portal to hell that Buffy hasn’t unlocked. Chucky is still creepy cute as a doll and a while away from the first reason after the Holocaust to cause indignant violence in popular culture narratives. Neurodegeneration due to continued exposure to adversity is only a research grant to ensure depressed lab rats die happy, high on illicit drugs. Yet all that mental health jazz is supposed to trigger happy biker boys.

Since Heath Ledger is dead and Jack Nicholson is too dated, Phoenix might just be doomed into the franchise. Given his finesse as an actor, I'm worried about his legacy. Also, DC isn't known for employee health and safety practices as a precedent.

Why so serious?

This is a real question after the reaction overwhelmed the film as not real but like the 11th commandment. Social media feed, reviews, memes, polls, an academic critique of capitalism by feminists, um... academics are all blaming Joker for misogyny, and a mental health meltdown that leads to bimonthly school shootings in the US.



Meanwhile, no one paid attention to the DC studio's new pools, the laughing gas station they made on the moon, producers rolling in money with new 23-year-old wives and finally the pot of gold, an Oscar promise.

In order to stay relevant in our own heads, React First is practised before FOMO sets in. Reality is whatever Google decides as per your algorithm, so let's keep reasonable doubt aside, forget facts such as big corporations like money a lot and actors are performing not endorsing killing your dying mother, especially if the guy who does it lived in a comic book before. That brain is a muscle and if we continue to believe in the jargon of mental illness, no one's ever going to cure my bipolar popcorn disorder. It's a serious concern. I'm so stigmatised now, I binge eat them at night and I feel a body image issue will be next.

The Road to Hell... Last stop

Welcome to purgatory. The ride’s over. Mind the gap or whatever. In case you're too medicated, self or selflessly, to realise we're actually there yet, Hamza Ali Abbasi’s unneeded adrenalin shot will make you realise it is indeed an eternity of global warming sans social media and Greta Thurnberg.



The subway to hell was paved by the refusal to acknowledge Sunlight after 2007 as we tweeted incessantly, feeding our egos to Michelin Man levels. We let our grip on reality slip into algorithms that generated an Abbasi who managed to find God because he can't act to save his life yet was applauded for being Shariah Compliant.

This is how we handed over our brains to screens, films lost their entertainment value and all of us ended up as clowns smiling or frowning at screens. This is also why Joker is another landmark on the devolution of humanity. Since we're left with a homoerotic Batman; once again, despite the cinematic madness of Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger's obsession with his craft that ended up killing him as his Joker and made a man out of Batty.

The romance of easily disassociating our normal selves with the jokers we create as effigies is where the laughter stops. So does the tube. Our souls went to box office collection. It's time for Demonic Labour Lost Union to exact their revenge. And rock and roll refuses to intervene since the voices in our heads killed music.

Paap culture is a bi-monthly column about cynical commentary on bizarre pop culture happenings

Have something to add to the story? Share in the comments below.]]>
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			<title>Absurdities of contemporary warfare collide as satirical thriller bites literati</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1859075/absurdities-contemporary-warfare-collide-satirical-thriller-bites-literati</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1859075/absurdities-contemporary-warfare-collide-satirical-thriller-bites-literati#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 03 Dec 18 12:41:02 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Usman Kabir]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1859075</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Acclaimed novelist Mohammed Hanif talks about new book, refugees, and voices within his head with The Express Tribune]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Modern warfare has given birth to a lot of absurdities and there is something very disturbing about the human impulse to start a war, setup refugee camps, and then move on to another conflict, according to critically acclaimed novelist Mohammed Hanif.

The author made the remarks on Sunday during a ceremony related to the release of his book, Red Birds, in front of a small audience at British Council Library in Karachi. The award-winning writer took part in a short discussion on the new novel with journalist Sanam Maher, and also held a book signing afterwards to mark the occasion.

This is the first offering from Hanif in almost seven years. His last book, an ambitious undertaking which sought to explore the issues of identity in urban Karachi by looking at religion, class, caste and gender, was published in 2011. It was called Our Lady of Alice Bhatti.

Foreign info ops: Pakistan mentioned in over 5,000 tweets

However, the claim to fame for the journalist-turned writer was his first book, titled A Case of Exploding Mangoes, which came out in 2008, nearly ten years before Red Birds. The debut novel was a satirical thriller set around the plane crash which killed former Pakistan president General Zia-ul-Haq, and narrated by a fictional officer of the armed forces who was not particularly fond of the military dictator.

The Express Tribune spoke to Mohammed Hanif about Red Birds, contemporary warfare, ghosts, and the importance of satire before the event. Parts of the interview with the author have been reproduced below for interested readers.

[caption id="attachment_1859916" align="alignnone" width="625"] Mohammed Hanif talking to journalist Sanam Maher. PHOTO: EXPRESS[/caption]

In conversation with Mohammed Hanif

Satirising war is a difficult job for a writer, especially if the wounds of the devastation it caused are still fresh. What did you hope to achieve by writing this account? 

Satire or not, writing is difficult for me. I set out to tell a story about a family which is living in a post-war situation, and in wars, children go missing or are expected to act like adults. There is something quite absurd about our constant need to start a war, set up refugee camps, then forget them and start new wars and set up more refugee camps. I wanted (with this book) to remind ourselves that we are complicit. There is an old poetic conceit that the universe is actually God's laughter.

A part of the public opinion surrounding the book, driven by reviews in many international publications, centres on the idea that it is a damning indictment of US foreign policy. Do you think the book started out this way? Or was it a by-product of writing about modern warfare?

I think there is a dire need for worldwide indictments of US foreign policy, but that is better done through journalism, or protests and other means. Hopefully, a novel is a more complicated beast. America and its modern warfare machinery are involved in zillions of conflicts in the world, so yes, it is a by-product.

A few striking absurdities that the characters are witness to, detailed in the book, are left for the reader to interpret. Indeed, the title is a tribute to one such anomaly. Is this the magical realism of Garcia-Marquez? Or is it something entirely different?

People of my generation were obsessed with Marquez, his diction seemed familiar as if somebody was telling stories in our own language. Also reading, like writing, is a very personal, intimate act; two people can watch a Netflix show together but two people do not read a book together. So the reader is a partner in crime and I like that intimacy about reading and writing novels.

Most reviews of Red Birds do not address the single most interesting part about the book regarding talking ghosts. Can you please shed some light on the purpose they serve in your tale? Why did the focus on these ghosts accelerate towards the end of the book?

I think at the heart of the book is a missing boy, and when people go missing where do they go? What does it mean when you say you miss someone? I lost a few friends over the past six years. Ghosts are the ones who left us in the middle of a conversation; someone still likes their Facebook post, or maybe they took most of our lives with them. It is entirely possible that we are the ghosts.

Do you think the readers from the East and the West will perceive Red Birds differently? If so, how does that reflect on you as a writer from Pakistan? 

I live in Karachi, not too far from your paper's offices. I do not think so; I like to believe that a reader is an individual who comes to the book for an intimate experience. They bring their prejudices to the book as I do. If it is a good story, east and west get along for the length of the book. It is all fiction.

Do you have a message for the readers of The Express Tribune?
You are our last hope.

[caption id="attachment_1859880" align="alignnone" width="625"] CREATIVE: IBRAHIM YAHYA[/caption]

Red Birds

Red Birds is set in an unnamed desert location and is narrated primarily by three main characters, called Ellie, Momo and Mutt. The setting is a departure from previous novels by Hanif, which were based in Pakistan. Even though the author does not specify the particular country in which the story is set, readers can picture the place as the narrative unfolds in the middle of a conflict zone.

Major Ellie is a pilot in United States Air Force, and crash lands in the desert at the beginning of the book, near a refugee camp he was supposed to bomb. Hanif is a former pilot, and drawing on personal experiences, he has conjured up an interesting character in Ellie, a "zoomie" - slang for a graduate of US Air Force Academy - trying to make it in a drone world, where pilots are fast becoming "museum pieces they keep for old times' sake".

Child stunting rates highest in South Asia: report

After wandering in the sands for almost a week on a few survival rations, Ellie runs into Momo and Mutt, residents of the refugee camp the pilot was supposed to bomb, who rescue him for reasons more complicated than just basic humanitarian sympathy. Momo is a teenager with a sharp tongue, a child of war who has grown up a little too quickly, while Mutt is his pet dog. Even though Hanif says that Momo is a voice he has had inside his head since a very long time, critics of the work point out that there are aspects to the personality of the fictional teenager that are not altogether authentic.

Momo is introduced to readers as a person who says that "while people discuss problems of growing up, I find solutions to problems that grown-ups have". He dreams of being a big business person, courtesy western media, and comes up with charming statements like "business is the process through which you turn ideas into hard cash, you take positions on futures and you see what bits of the past are gonna do well in the markets". According to The National, sometimes it is hard to believe Momo is only a fifteen-year-old. Momo also has a brother who disappeared some time ago (Bro Ali), a father (Father Dear) and mother (Mother Dear) who narrate the tale alongside him.

[caption id="attachment_1859882" align="alignnone" width="625"] Excerpt from Red Birds. CREATIVE: IBRAHIM YAHYA[/caption]

The third main character is Mutt, a dog Momo found around the camp and has now befriended. Mutt narrates the story in a complex manner, mixing philosophic observations on everyday life with amusing anecdotes like "the unfortunate incident with an electricity pole which fried my brains and turned me into a teller of tales”. Interestingly, all the three protagonists of Red Birds hide a slight disdain for the concept of a Supreme Being in charge of the world, and their narrations are littered with underlying cynicism about the futility of this belief, which is perhaps a natural consequence of the story being set in a post-war refugee camp.

Monotheistic fundamentalism reaction to aggressive secular leadership: Karen Armstrong

The refugee camp is located in the middle of the desert, right next to an installation for American troops, referred to as The Hangar, which has been abandoned. The camp has no boundary walls (Momo tells us it has been stolen), no electricity (there are electric poles though), and no roofs on top of houses (instead there is a blue plastic sheet which covers everything). The only attractions in the camp are a fruit and vegetable shop and a hardware store. The camp also houses other characters which make intermittent appearances in the story, such as The Doctor, a veterinarian doubling as a doctor.

Into this world comes an American aid worker, a consultant named Lady Flowerbody, who is researching the effects of the war on the Muslim mind. The conflicts in the personality of this consultant aim to mirror the conflicts of the American psyche with regards to distant wars. The woman, a western academic, is not prepared to deal with the reality of war, instead trying hard to focus on "using the community as a laboratory for testing my hypothesis". The camp inmates see her as "the embodiment of lazy, tautological bullshit with a purse full of recreational hash".

Inevitably, the characters of the book collide, some early on, others at the end. These encounters shape the book, and are quite revealing. In fact, they set the pace of the book. As Momo rescues Ellie from the desert, he has a plan in mind to use Ellie to get inside The Hangar to look for his missing older brother, while Ellie is just glad the camp inmates buy his backstory about being an aid worker. Ellie and Lady Flowerbody also have a brief encounter, where Ellie, in a typical cynical manner, says, “If I didn’t obliterate cities, how would you get to set up refugee camps? Where would all the world’s empathy go?”

Toward the end, the narrators multiply, with Mother Dear and Father Dear, as well as The Doctor, getting cameos. As all the characters enter The Hangar, they encounter the ghosts of foreign soldiers who have taken part in the war over the years. It is here the tale gets somewhat uneasy and dark, and threatens to slip away entirely. However, once you look at the big picture, these ghosts serve as a timely reminder of the cost the forgotten and the missing pay in wars. Indeed, Hanif calls the ghosts a tribute to the fallen.

Witty, tragic and at times hilarious, Red Birds has all the ingredients for a thrilling read. Hanif has admitted that the book is an indictment of US foreign policy in the Middle East, South Asia and North Africa, although cautioning that novels are more complicated than newspaper articles. "Everyone will bring their own prejudices to the book," he explained to the audience gathered in Karachi on Sunday.]]>
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			<title>Asad Umar checks Pakistan into a financial rehab clinic</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1813087/asad-umar-checks-pakistan-financial-rehab-clinic</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1813087/asad-umar-checks-pakistan-financial-rehab-clinic#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Fri, 28 Sep 18 03:58:09 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[m.bilal.lakhani]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1813087</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[One cannot expect a drug addict to find a job before he reforms his behaviour]]>
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				<![CDATA[Heroin is to drug addicts what foreign exchange (read dollars) is to Pakistan’s economy right now. When a drug addict enters a rehabilitation clinic, he often perceives the doctor as the enemy, stripping away the addict’s ability to experience joy in life. Asad Umar is in a similar position with the Pakistani people, as he weans us off debt and expensive imports. In this case, like the addict, it’s easier for us to fight the doctor instead of the disease. The irony is that the doctor only has one goal at heart: to make the patient feel better and live life to its fullest.

Asad Umar has emerged from whatever rock or container he was hiding under by presenting the mini-budget last week. His silence on a substantive economic policy in the first few days of government was confusing because he’s never been short of opinions while in the opposition. But it seems like Asad has taken the first few weeks in government to digest the enormity of economic challenges in front of him. Let us assume Pakistan is a family with 100 rupees of expenditure every month. We spend around 36 rupees on interest payments and another 18 rupees on defence. Our monthly income is around 80 rupees so we still borrow 20 rupees a month to make ends meet.

Asad’s mini-budget attempts to be pro-poor, pro-exporters (read industrialists) and tries to bring down the import bill in this challenging fiscal landscape. Yes, it hurts to have income taxes raised but the lowest income workers have been protected (and should continue to be protected by reducing indirect taxes). Gas and electricity prices have also been raised independent of the budget. While all of this sounds like Purana Pakistan, it’s actually good for the country. Asad has a thankless job at the moment but he’s doing the right thing. Much like a doctor forcing a drug addict to kick the habit, the next few months will be painful but Asad has taken the courageous way forward versus giving in to knee-jerk populist policies.

The only place where Asad deserves across-the-board criticism is for allowing non-filers to purchase real estate and cars. This is a step backwards and signals potential capture of the government by vested interests. The apparent reason — allowing overseas Pakistanis to make purchases — could have had other workarounds (hello NICOP). The energy and excitement going into raising funds for dams could have been channelled into getting Pakistanis to file taxes so we don’t have to beg every time the government needs money. For the first time, arguably in Pakistan’s history, people actually trust the government with their tax money. Now would be the time for a fresh start and encouraging people to pay and file taxes. The only way to break free from debt is to live within our means. Going to China or Saudi Arabia to avoid the IMF doesn’t cure our debt problem, it only masks the symptoms long enough for the problem to get worse.

The other critique of Asad Umar’s economic announcements has been how uninspiring and inside the box it’s been. This is true but partly unfair because of the state of the economy he inherited. One cannot expect a drug addict to find a job before he reforms his behaviour. It’s like saying a drug addict should just flip a switch and turn around his life. It’s not that easy.

Incredible, short-term pain is about to hit the Pakistani public if we want to get our finances in order and chart a path for growth. Subsidies on utilities will have to be eliminated slowly. A culture of tax paying will have to be nurtured. Jobs will have to be lost at public-sector companies to manage their haemorrhaging budgets. Once these interventions are made, we can move faster on our path to growth. The problem with Pakistan’s finances is that we always come to the brink and get saved by someone. If the drug addict is always rescued by family and never has his rock bottom moment of vomiting on the toilet floor trying to flush out his over- dose, the desire to change doesn’t come from within. The desire for change becomes circumstantial.

It’s important for leaders like Imran and Asad, who have the political and moral capital of being ‘clean’, to nurture a desire for genuine economic change in the country that is painful but worthwhile. If they don’t take the time to explain this to the Pakistani public, their reform plan will not have the political capital to sustain itself. It’s time to flush the addiction to debt and living beyond our means from Pakistan. That is the only path to foreign policy independence and sustainable economic growth.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 28th, 2018.

Like Opinion &amp; Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.]]>
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			<title>Sarah Palin tears into 'sick' Baron Cohen over being pranked</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1755479/sarah-palin-tears-sick-baron-cohen-pranked</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1755479/sarah-palin-tears-sick-baron-cohen-pranked#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 11 Jul 18 18:37:45 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[AFP .]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1755479</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Ex-Alaska governor says she has fallen victim to sick humour of UK comedian as many of other American public figures]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Sacha Baron Cohen is back and Sarah Palin is not amused. The US former vice presidential nominee and ex-Alaska governor has launched an extraordinary attack on the British comedian for duping her to take part in his new show.

"Ya' got me, Sacha. Feel better now?" wrote the mother of five, once synonymous with the Tea Party movement on the far-right of the Republican Party.

Cohen, she said, "heavily disguised himself as a disabled US veteran, fake wheelchair and all," for the interview that she was told was a "legit" historical documentary by pay-to-view American television network Showtime.

Sarah Palin says she doesn't get sexually harassed because she carries a gun

"I join a long list of American public personalities who have fallen victim to the evil, exploitive, sick 'humor' of the British 'comedian' Sacha Baron Cohen, enabled and sponsored by CBS/Showtime," she wrote.

Palin said she ultimately walked out of the interview and slammed what she called the Cambridge-educated comedian's "foreign commentaries" that disrespected the US military and middle-class Americans.

She called on Cohen, CBS and Showtime to donate all proceeds from the interview to charities that support American veterans.

In a final indignity, Palin accused the production team of "purposefully" dropping her and her daughter off at the wrong Washington airport, "knowing" they would miss their return flights back to Alaska.

Cohen first found fame in Britain in 2000 with "Da Ali G Show" that saw his wannabe rapper character interview unsuspecting public figures. The show later transferred across the Atlantic.

Sarah Palin endorses 'master' dealmaker Trump for US president

He followed a similar format with hit movie characters that include bumbling Kazakh reporter Borat and gay Austrian fashionista Bruno.

His latest venture "Who is America?" is a satirical half-hour seven-episode series that premieres this Sunday on Showtime.

https://twitter.com/THR/status/1016110433336528896

Former vice president Dick Cheney says in a teaser for the series tweeted by Cohen this week.

A voice off camera had asked Cheney to sign his "waterboard kit" an empty water bottle.]]>
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			<title>Anwar Maqsood’s offensive satire on Sindhis causes online outrage</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1693045/anwar-maqsoods-offensive-satire-sindhis-causes-online-outrage</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1693045/anwar-maqsoods-offensive-satire-sindhis-causes-online-outrage#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 23 Apr 18 09:46:46 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Rahul Aijaz]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category><category><![CDATA[TV]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1693045</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[‘Aik Sindhi Ka Interview’ takes dig at their lavish lifestyle, laziness and indulgence in various vices]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Satire is the use of humour and ridicule to expose people’s flaws in the context of socio-politics and other contemporary issues. Add to it the fact that an artist using satire to talk about a society’s deep-rooted issues must have something intelligent to say and show them the mirror in a careful manner.

Veteran humourist and writer Anwar Maqsood released the latest episode of his online series titled Anwarnama on April 22 and it intended to be a satire on Sindhis. Titled Aik Sindhi Ka Interview, it shows Anwar reading a skit featuring him and a ‘common Sindhi’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Iy4qGtFjCg

In an attempt to be funny, the episode starts off with the interviewer asking the Sindhi what he does for a living and he responds, “Nothing, I don’t need to work because I am Sindhi.” It then describes how the Sindhi man enjoys living a lavish lifestyle, indulges in various vices and in theory, dies multiple times in order to avoid paying off debt.

The episode irked the entire Sindhi population, here and abroad and caused a massive online backlash. Although it has now been removed from social media after Anwar publicly apologised, it merely goes on to show people’s attitude towards the Sindhi community.

Aik Sindhi Ka Interview comes off as offensive just for the sake of being offensive and it isn’t the least bit funny. The veteran had nothing important and intelligent to say and did not look at people in a critical manner but relegated to, intentionally or not, reinforce the stereotypes about Sindhis that have been consistent in Pakistani entertainment and media for years. This is the lowest common denominator of humour one didn’t expect from a legend like Anwar.

Talking to The Express Tribune, The Sketches front man Saif Samejo revealed that Anwar and Moin Akhtar had always been offensive, even back in the days of Loose Talk. “They had episodes where Akhtar appeared as a Bengali or Pashtun. It’s nothing new and I have been speaking out about this for years but no one cares,” he said. “Our media and films always showed a bandit wearing an ajrak, which is a sign of ultimate respect in our culture. Sindhis even welcomed immigrants during the time of Partition with an ajrak. Diversity is the strength of Sindh, which is the only diverse region in Pakistan.”

[caption id="attachment_1693136" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: PUBLICITY[/caption]

I’m 75 now. I want to retire: Anwar Maqsood

Saif continued, “I watched this recent episode and I don’t understand how one can call Sindhis jahil when you live in Sindh. You sit alongside him and a Sindhi accepts you as part of the community. Sindhi is not just a government worker or a certain political party supporter, he is also Sachal, he is also Bhittai. Sindh is also the land which welcomes everyone whether Christian, Hindu or anyone else.” He added that Anwar had a substandard mentality and that he was still caged in that old mindset. “You are in Sindh now and you are Sindhi too,” Saif retorted.

Comedian Ali Gul Pir reiterated that Loose Talk had a lot of controversial episodes. “But there was no sensitivity back then. Now it’s different. He doesn’t narrow it down to a government worker or anyone but generalises and says ‘aik Sindhi’. When the first joke you make is that he’s lazy, you are clearly reinforcing a stereotype,” he said. “When I made Wadere ka Beta, it was centered on Sindhi wadera, not all Sindhis. It was made clear. If there is a wadera villain in a film, it’s not racist because every story needs certain characters. The point is that distinction be made and there should be no generalisation.”

[caption id="attachment_1693139" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: FILE[/caption]

Ali mentioned he could find lazy people everywhere and not only in Sindh. “There is a way to go about criticising society or people. But what concerns me is that nobody else in his team saw the problem in this video. Why should a renowned artist reinforce the same stereotypical ideas and divide people when we are going past the ethnic and sectarian conflicts here.”

TV personality and politician Mahtab Akbar Rashdi criticised the timing of the video’s release. “Maqsood is an intellectual satirist and has a way of looking at things. But now at this juncture we are getting sensitive about so many things, about culture, language, etc and we are intolerant about so many things, and taking everything personally. In this scenario, releasing this video shows insensitivity,” she said. “People are taking it seriously and Maqsood should know that people are sensitive about certain things regarding the land of Sindh. It’s not intolerance but because of love for their land. Sindhis can’t compromise about anyone talking about Sindh. When it comes to their culture, land and water, there is no compromise.”

[caption id="attachment_1693141" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: FACEBOOK/MAHTAB AKBAR[/caption]

Mahtab continued, “This could have been easily ignored but not at this time. I know he makes fun of everyone but this is just rubbing salt in someone’s eyes. Not every Sindhi acts like he showed. You are targeting an entire nation of people. It’s not humor, its humiliation.”

Anwar Maqsood's 'Siachen': Mastermind Dawar Mehmood is back - this time with Sajid Hasan

Director Institute of Sindhology Dr Ishaq Samejo said it showed a biased and narrow-minded view of people. “This video isn’t only against Sindhis, but also Urdu-speaking community. It’s just trying to create a divide between us and this attitude is condemnable,” he said. “Sindhis have always been welcoming and loving towards others. For me, Maqsood hasn’t only diminished his status as a writer but also a human.” Ishaq called the episode “a third-rate satire, if it can be called satire at all,” and said that one of the founding fathers and statesman Liaquat Ali Khan initiated this attitude, which has now become a mindset. “He called Sindhi culture that of donkey-carts and the language of illiterates and uneducated. This is the privileged class whose attitude has prevailed for so long and is not acceptable.”

Director Benazir Bhutto Chair at University of Karachi, Sahar Gul, likened this attitude to a form of narcissism. “It’s a form of narcissism that my language, sect or culture is supreme. It leads to curbing of diversity and the last stage is that if you’re not like me, you should be killed. If he (Maqsood) had used the word Sindhi wadera, it could have been tolerated.” She said, “We are proud of our rural areas where agriculture is a big part of our country and our people. This is a social responsibility of the literati they should condemn the killers of the community, and remove bias from the community. But they don’t do this.”

Initially defending the video, Anwar said he had lived in Sindh since he came in 1948 and he respected all the greats and even knew some personally. In the video, he is seen holding a copy of Shah Jo Risalo and apologising to everyone for hurting their sentiments. “It worried me that I hurt people’s sentiments. I don’t belong to any political party and I knew Benazir Bhutto and Asif Zardari. Sindh is a land of love, where Sachal and Bhittai lived,” he said. “I apologise to everyone that my humour hurt my Sindhi brothers’ sentiments.”

Anwar Maqsood is a bigger and better writer than Woody Allen: Sajid Hasan

Anwar’s timely apology must be appreciated as he realised and retracted the video to fix the mistake. But the larger picture shows that the cause of concern isn’t only this video but that this attitude towards the Sindhi community has been going on for years. Comedy has been used to reflect on society for so long and it has the right to be offensive but only when it has something of value to say. I would personally be on board if Anwar’s piece was at least funny and painted a true picture of a common Sindhi or had done away with generalising the entire community. It’s like making a stereotypical Pathan joke. In this day and age, it’s not only unfunny, but rather crude and perhaps only has a place in local stage shows which feed on this low-taste comedy. It isn’t something one would expect from someone with a stature that Anwar enjoys.

Times are changing and today, even the slightest error can mount up to be a bigger issue. This small negligence, which could have been easily avoided on part of the veteran humourist, exposed the plethora of issues concerning stereotypical representation of Sindhis in local media.

Go out of our comfort zone and you realise, just like in every nation, there are people who are good, motivated, hardworking as well as lazy and corrupt. As Saif pointed out on Twitter that it wasn’t only about Anwar or Akhtar but about the venomous mindset that is prevalent. “Since we grew up, we have been seeing such a wrong image (of Sindhis) and every age has to prove that we aren’t like what you portray us to be. Pakistan needs to revisit Sindh and feel (and understand) what ‘Sindhyat’ really is.”

Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below. ]]>
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			<title>Making sense of the times: Is reality stranger than satire?</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1632147/making-sense-times-reality-stranger-satire</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1632147/making-sense-times-reality-stranger-satire#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 12 Feb 18 04:27:29 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Niha Dagia]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Sindh]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1632147</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[In a world where reality competes with satire, panelists at KLF try to make sense of it all]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[We are living in a time when reality seems to be in competition with satire - decimating the benchmark of what we hold true.
In a world of Trump and the Onion, it is tough to distinguish between truth and satire – sometime even a disclaimer fails to do the job. In a bid to find validation for their theories, people are open to believing everything they see and hear. The number of likes has become equivalent to proof of authenticity.
#MeToo talk pushes aside issue of harassment
So how does one follow? A panel comprising Zarrar Khuhro and Fasi Zaka discussed the phenomena in a session titled ‘Reality Catches up with Satire’, moderated by Nadeem Farooq Paracha at the ninth Karachi Literature Festival on Saturday.
“It’s impossible to keep up, reality has taken over satire,” Khuhro said. “We have to lower our standards of comedy to keep up with reality.”
When an audience member recalled the statement of Pakistan Peoples Party Co-Chairperson Asif Ali Zardari vowing to bring back stolen money, Zarrar quipped, “This is genius! How do you top that?”
Highlighting a major problem with satire today, Zaka said we are now punching down at victims instead of punching up at the powerful. He explained that in the 1980s the target was General Ziaul Haq but today it was protesters at Faizabad.
“We have a base of people who largely agree with us,” he said. “We believe we are converting the other side but you cannot convert people by making fun of them.”
Paracha wondered whether gullibility was becoming the norm today. Khuhro’s opinion seemed to differ as he pointed out that opinions which were once confined to drawing rooms have been provided a public platform through social media. “People have always been the same; we were never patient.”
He argued that it was not an anomaly to say or do things that made little sense when you are young. The only difference is that there is no permanent record of us being ‘stupid’ on a public platform, he said.
Universities – a breeding ground for terrorists?
Speaking to The Express Tribune about the repercussions of using sarcasm to weigh in on issues, Khuhro said, “The speed at which your views are disseminated is much faster now – an ordinary person using Twitter can potentially reach an audience of millions, hence the backlash is magnified.”
The creeping self-censorship in the age of outrage has curtailed our ability to take on the ironies of today. Zaka believes most satirists are not doing their job to the fullest. “We have internalised some of the censorship rules,” he told The Express Tribune. “The satire we do is punching at the sanctioned people or institutions that we can make fun of, which usually serves a purpose of other institutions who are actually acting in fairly undemocratic fashion.”
Zaka was of the view that it was not the thought of offending the masses that was responsible for self-censorship, rather it was ‘the systematic state actions’ against those using satire to depict reality that sent a strong signal. “You may like it or not but it [the work] was nowhere in the realm of treason,” he said.
&nbsp;]]>
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			<title>Russian politicians fail to see funny side of 'Death of Stalin'</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1534757/russian-politicians-fail-see-funny-side-death-stalin</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1534757/russian-politicians-fail-see-funny-side-death-stalin#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 18 Oct 17 11:59:59 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[reuters]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1534757</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[A communist politican branded it 'abominable filth']]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[British satirist Armando Iannucci has won critical praise in Britain for his latest film - a darkly comic look at the power struggle to succeed Joseph Stalin - but in Russia not all politicians share the joke.

One communist politican branded it "abominable filth." "The Death of Stalin," which stars Steve Buscemi, Jeffrey Tambor and Jason Isaacs, held its UK premiere on Tuesday night. As the title suggests, it features a scene depicting the Soviet dictator's demise in 1953.

Russia invited to explore untapped Pakistan market

"The comedy is about what's going on inside the Kremlin, the power struggle, you know, the frantic kind of fight for survival really," Iannucci told Reuters.

"That's where the comedy comes and the paranoia that's going on as well. But the consequences of these people's actions is what ripples out across the Soviet Union - we show that for real."

There has been no comment from the Kremlin about the film. But communist members of the Russian parliament are calling for a ban on its release in Russia. Russian Communist party spokesperson Alexander Yushchenko, himself a parliamentarian, described the film as "abominable filth," in an interview cited by the party’s website.

"Today's support - including for Stalin and (state founder Vladimir) Lenin - is on the rise, first and foremost among young people," he said. The film as yet does not have a Russian release date listed on the film industry website IMDB.com.

Russia supplying free fuel to Taliban in war against NATO forces, reveals report

Sergei Obukhov, another senior member of the Russian communist party, drew a similar conclusion saying the film was "a new form of psychological warfare against our country." Stalin ruled Russia for three decades during which he is widely held responsible for the deaths of millions of people, many in the Gulag network of labour camps.

The image of the dictator appears to be going through something of a rehabilitation in Russia though. A poll by the Russia's Levada Centre in June found that respondents considered Stalin the "most outstanding person" in history, followed by present-day president, Vladimir Putin. Iannucci has won dozens of awards for his foul-mouthed political comedies "The Thick Of It" and "Veep", which centre on dysfunctional politicians in Britain and the United States
respectively.]]>
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			<title>Egyptian comedian introduces 'Muslim morning after kit' to combat racial discrimination</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1487982/egyptian-comedian-introduces-muslim-morning-kit-combat-racial-discrimination</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1487982/egyptian-comedian-introduces-muslim-morning-kit-combat-racial-discrimination#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 22 Aug 17 08:13:10 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[news.desk]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category><category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1487982</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Kit also comes with “White flight” application that detects location of people who have posted ‘alt-right’]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Egyptian comedian, Bassem Youssef, has created a way to combat Islamophobia for Muslims across America called the “Muslim morning after kit”, reported Huffington Post.

Youssef, who is also termed “Egyptian Jon Stewart” is a terrific satirist, and he teamed up with entertainment site CAFÉ to bring Muslims the perfect gateway to protection against suspicion and discrimination. The kit is an innovative way to protect American Muslims “from anyone who may want to hurt you because they think you vaguely resemble a terrorist.”

Egypt’s inclusion to boost CPEC, says NA speaker

The parody video sheds light on the way in which racial stereotypes have endangered people, and the fact that Muslims encounter such stereotypes on a daily basis. The ‘kit’ includes American flags “to drape all over your house every direction,” a t-shirt that says, “one of the good ones”, and an audio exercise CD that help users sound more ‘white.’

In addition, Youssef has also included in his ‘kit’ a photo with the country singer Toby Keith, and a backpack patch that says, “just some books and a laptop.” The kit also comes with an audio recording keychain with phrases in it resembling, “I hereby condemn yesterday’s terrorist attack, and all terrorist attacks. Bye bye!”

Youssef added that the kit also comes with a “White flight” application that detects the location of people who have posted ‘alt-right’ Facebook statuses or joined such groups on Reddit. “If whites get close, you’ll know to take a flight as quickly as possible,” he adds.

Interestingly, this kit isn’t only reserved for the Muslims, but also those who ‘look’ like them. This kit is called “Vaguely Muslim-Looking Morning after kit.”

Visa for Egyptians aimed at preventing 'terrorists': Sudan

In addition to producing this satirical skewering of Islamophobia, Youssef has become the subject of a new documentary, “Tickling Giants,” chronicling his life as a persecuted political commentator in Egypt.

Watch the video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrnm_uIa990#action=share

&nbsp;]]>
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			<title>'Yeh bik gayi hai gormint'</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1456255/yeh-bik-gayi-gormint</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1456255/yeh-bik-gayi-gormint#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 12 Jul 17 10:45:02 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1456255</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[The Sharifs should have at least pretended they won ‘Who Wants to a Millionaire’ a few hundred times]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[I am a lawyer who decided to be a comedian. I never thought my two worlds would collide so perfectly one day. I have used all of my legal knowledge and gone through the Joint Investigation Team (JIT) recently revealed report and now, I am going to translate it into Pakistani – a language all of us understand.

The JIT was formed to find what the sources of funds are

Translation: We wanted everybody to know conclusively how the Sicilian mafia works before making any decision. Hey – we are the Supreme Court – when have we ever taken haste in dismissing a government or legitimising an illegal government? We are completely independent of politics - look at JIT to keep you occupied!

[caption id="attachment_1456297" align="alignnone" width="625"] Hasan Nawaz. PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

The affidavits of Tariq Shafi are unreliable. His signatures are different

Translation: How lazy are you man? If you were going to forge documents, you should have at least signed all of them yourself. You made other people sign! You truly do live like a king.

The Ahli Steel Mills document does not exist

Translation: Nawaz Sharif claims his dog ate his office work.

Tariq Shafi said Shehbaz Sharif was involved. Shehbaz Sharif said he was not involved

Translation: Aah… another case of he said, Shah said - Shehbaz Sharif is lying and trying to ensure he does not go down with his brother. He is building an underpass for himself to get out of this flood but he will drown with the rest of them.

As ministers bash JIT, PM confers with top aides

No document proving business started with 100% loan

Translation: Chori ka paisa hoga.

The liabilities of Gulf Steel were cleared possibly through undeclared wealth

Translation: Please refer to the aforementioned chori ka paisa.

No document shown to prove how money reached Qatar, Jeddah, or UK

Translation: The Sharif family is engaged in something that rhymes with funny maundering – yes, it is money laundering. You win nothing – just like the Sharif family from this JIT.

The liabilities repayment would have wiped out any sale proceeds

Translation: Chori ka paisa + chori ka paisa - chori ka paisa x chori ka paisa = chori ka paisa.

[caption id="attachment_1456300" align="alignnone" width="625"] Hussain Nawaz with PM Nawaz Sharif. PHOTO: Reuters[/caption]

Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif during his address to the nation stated that in 1980 this factory (Gulf Steel Mills) was sold for AED 33.7 million. This is not consistent with either the documents/records provided by the respondents or the findings of the JIT

Translation: So, if anybody wants to file an application declaring him to be not ‘sadiq and ameen’ and not fit to be a prime minister, we are ready to hear you out.

Moreover, no Imran Khan, we do not mean physically, is fit to be the premier – stop with the push-ups already.

Respondents story about Gulf is unauthentic, lacks substance and seems fabricated

Translation: Just like everything else they say – ye bhi jhoot hay.

JIT suggests filing NAB reference against Sharif family

Sales proceeds from Gulf Steel Mills never reached Jeddah, Qatar or UK

Translation: The Sharif family should have at least pretended they won “Who Wants to a Millionaire” a few hundred times.

The beneficial owner of the Neilson Enterprises Limited and the Nescoll Limited is Maryam Safdar

Translation: The Sharif family should have thought about protecting Maryam when they were distributing properties in London like it was candy to all of their children.

Maryam has submitted fake/falsified documents to the JIT, which is a criminal offence. Mr Hussain Nawaz and Captain Safdar have also signed these documents

Translation: At least the Sharifs will have company in jail.

[caption id="attachment_1456306" align="alignnone" width="625"] Maryam Safdar. PHOTO: Online[/caption]

Comprehensive report duly signed by Robert W. Radley(Radley Forensic Document Laboratory) London “I have identified the type font used to produce both certified declarations to be “Calibri”. However, “Calibri” was not commercially available before 31st January 2007 and as such, neither of the originals of the certified Declarations is correctly dated and happy to have been created at some later point in time”

Translation: The Sharifs clearly did not learn in school that ‘naql’ kay liye bhi ‘aqal’ chaiye hoti hay.

Mr Nawaz distanced himself from the apartments

Translation: Even the father who gave them the property does not want to get involved in the mess. Is the court to believe Hussain Nawaz invented Facebook and became a billionaire while he was a teenager thus was able to afford all these properties?

Complete JIT report on Sharifs' offshore properties

Repeated changes in Hussain Nawaz’s stance indicates possible efforts to conceal facts

Translation: Jhoot pakra gaya.

True owners of the Sharif family were the Sharif family – Nawaz seems to employ his children and two BVI entities to conceal his true ultimate ownership

Translation: Like you know, like every wealthy Pakistani father.

“Mr Hasan Nawaz, in his statement before the JIT, explained that Mr Hussain Nawaz Sharif had sent him 2.4 million GBP to help him set his business without declaring the source where the money was coming from” 

Translation: 324386304.00 Pakistani rupees. We are sure Hussain Nawaz earned this through his tech start-up. Sure 320 million can sustain thousands of livelihoods for years in Pakistan but it is peanuts for the Sharif family.

[caption id="attachment_1456379" align="alignnone" width="625"] Sharif Brothers. PHOTO: Online[/caption]

Hasan Nawaz and Hussain Nawaz did not have any independent source of income till 2000

Translation: Yet he was distributing millions like Edhi.

Shahbaz Sharif’s reluctance to discuss Qatari letters

Translation: The junior Sharif thinks he will be able to get out of this sinking ship, or at least Hamza will be the next chief minister of Punjab but we are onto him. He goes down with the rest of him.

Al Thani Family did not own the Mayfair apartments

Translation: Qatar cannot even save them now.

Confirmation of fictitious sale/purchase agreements by the respondents

Translation: Yeh bik gayi hai gormint.



The basic summary of the JIT recommendations is that sab hie chor hain, sab hie jhootay hain.

&nbsp;

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>Myanmar editor facing trial for posting satirical article defaming military</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1437071/myanmar-editor-facing-trial-posting-satirical-article-defaming-military</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1437071/myanmar-editor-facing-trial-posting-satirical-article-defaming-military#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Fri, 16 Jun 17 07:10:37 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[afp]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1437071</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Activists say various defamation laws are being used to stifle free speech]]>
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				<![CDATA[The editor of one of Myanmar's top newspapers will face trial for defaming the military by posting a satirical article on Facebook, under a controversial law critics say is stifling press freedom.

Myanmar anti-Islam monk says barred from Facebook

Last month the army sued the editor in chief of The Voice, Kyaw Min Swe, for uploading a link to an article poking fun at the military's leaders for sitting around talking while ordinary soldiers are killed. On Friday a court in Yangon sent him to the city's notorious Insein prison to await the start of his trial next week.

Hopes had been high that Myanmar's first freely elected government in generations would usher in a new era of free speech when they took power last year after half a century of military rule. But defamation prosecutions have soared since Aung San Suu Kyi's National League for Democracy (NLD) came to power, with social media satirists, activists and journalists increasingly targeted.

Activists say various defamation laws are being used to stifle free speech and stop the media from criticising the government.

Kyaw Min Swe is being prosecuted under the country's broadly-worded telecommunications law -- known as "66(d)" -- which forbids uploading false of defamatory information online. If convicted he faces up to six months in jail.

The writer of the article, Kyaw Swa Naing, was acquitted by the court on Friday because he did not actually upload his piece. Speaking to reporters outside court, he said the law "must be amended".

"Journalists are being harmed very much. Although we do not know what the verdict will be for brother Kyaw Min Swe... he's now being held in prison," he added.

Dozens of journalists and free speech activists wearing white armbands and with painted faces protested near the court on Friday, displaying banners emblazoned with "press freedom" in red.

"The government is letting people and organisations sue journalists... using a (law) that should be abolished under the NLD," protesters Phyo Wai said.

Facebook ‘ban’ of anti-Muslim slur sparks Myanmar outcry

The Voice article at the centre of the case poked fun at a military propaganda film called "Pyi Daung Su Thit Sar" (Faithful to the Union) lauding the army's victories over armed ethnic groups.

It was released just weeks before the start of the government's latest round of tense peace negotiations with Myanmar's myriad insurgent groups, and as some of the heaviest fighting in decades rages in border areas.]]>
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			<title>Party strategies for 2018 general elections leaked</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1418795/party-strategies-2018-general-elections-leaked</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1418795/party-strategies-2018-general-elections-leaked#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 06 Jun 17 09:19:08 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Balochistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1418795</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Read the proposed pathways of PML-N, PTI, PPP and others to their possible victories and pick your winner]]>
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				<![CDATA[The run-up to Pakistan’s upcoming general elections next year have taken an interesting turn, as election campaigns of Pakistan’s leading political parties have been leaked. Read the proposed pathways of PML-N, PTI, PPP and others to their possible victories and pick your winner.

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N)

[caption id="attachment_1418824" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: EXPRESS[/caption]

Politics is temporary but Biryani is forever. We survived the past five years and so did you, let’s survive five more together. No more Panama, only nara pajama.

We promise to make more roads and import fancy buses to make it seem like the country is progressing. Look at all our metro buses; we are the most metrosexual party ever. Load-shedding will be over by 2019 promise, pinky promise.

No JIT can bring us down. Unless it is more than two hours, then Hussain Nawaz gets tired.

Elections 2018: ‘Make resolution of people’s issues a priority’

Just don’t look at all these flats we are buying around the world – those are just in case papa decides democracy time is over and we all need to stop pretending. Load-shedding will be over by 2020 promise, pinky promise. Maryam Nawaz &gt; Hamza Shahbaz.

Promise everything and deliver nothing. Load-shedding will be over by 2021 promise, pinky promise.

When you’re with us, you’re family. Do your corruption. Do your murders. Do your terrorism. As long as nobody reports about anything, we won’t care. Just continue voting for us. As long as we have Punjab, we have nothing to worry about.

Remember when Shahbaz said he would drag Asif Ali Zardari through the streets? You have to give us five more years if you want to see that happen – we are saving that for the DVD special. Maryam Nawaz’s twitter &gt; Imran Khan’s twitter

Load-shedding will be over by 2099 promise, pinky promise.

Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI)

[caption id="attachment_1418825" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: EXPRESS[/caption]

Imran Khan is neither Asif Ali Zardari nor Nawaz Sharif. Wait, what? You need more reasons to vote for us? Well, do we need to stand for anything when we can simply stand against everything?

The only tabdeeli that comes is the one in our political positions.

We have figured out what you don’t want. We have no idea what you want or how to even give it to you but, we agree with you that we don’t want what you don’t want as well so, we are on the same page then. All we know is that tabdeeli is coming; we have no idea what will happen when it is here.

How PML-N’s trying to win voter support in 2018 elections

Nobody cares if our party has the same guys as all the other parties just look at how beautiful Imran Khan is and he is single again. Nobody was going to vote for a 64-year-old married man.

Are you an electable? JOIN PTI! We can deal with your criminal records; corruption and complete lack of principles later, just get elected for now.

We will fight corruption because Imran Khan isn’t corrupt. Such logic, much wow.

We will fight terrorism because Imran Khan isn’t a terrorist.

We will fight India because Imran Khan isn’t an Indian.

So, basically just forget all policy and agenda items and just look at Imran Khan. Do you like what you see? Vote for us then! You don’t even need to know our names, just vote for the bat.

Also, the best jalsas. By far.

Don’t trust Javed Hashmi when he says the plan is to get two-three people killed. Trust us, we cannot win an election by just getting two-three people killed, more like 20-30 maybe.

Also Twitter trolls. So, so, so, many Twitter trolls. Facebook ka Prime Minister is a legit position ok.

Pakistan People’s Party (PPP)



Have you all forgotten the period of 2008 to 2013? Great! Then we are back again. Let’s pretend Asif Ali Zardari was never the president.

You know how sometimes you have a headache but then you get cancer for a few years and you forget that you ever had a headache because cancer hurts so much now? Well, the headache is back and after cancer, it doesn’t seem that bad.

Also look at how shiny Bilawal Bhutto is. He even speaks Urdu now – or what he thinks is Urdu. In the next update, we will also try to make him speak Sindhi.

Nawaz Sharif foreseen to win 2018 polls: report

Want to know what he stands for and what his policies are? He is Benazir’s son and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto’s grandson. Want to know what PPP will do once the party comes into power? Have we told you who Bilawal’s mother and grandfather are?

What are going to be our major campaign ideas? What? Do you want me to draw the Bhutto family tree for you? Also, we have the best political song. Admit it – you want to dance to it on your mehndi also. And of course, the most holidays because we have the most shaheeds.

Make Pakistan great again. Go back to the days when we got 10% of everything.

Also Zinda hay Bilawal – wait it was a secret Zardari strategy that was not supposed to be leaked.

Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM)



We exist. No promise we are still a political reality. Remember the days we complained that we had our backs against the wall? Well now that we are giving Anarkali Company inside the wall that doesn’t seem that bad.

BUT…hey look at how we were victimised, if nothing else, have some sympathy and give us your cell phones, I mean votes. I swear, we meant votes.

Musharraf likely to contest 2018 general elections

Why are you even looking for campaign ideas? When have we ever had any? Just look at what your identity is and vote for it. If you don’t, we will send our karkun and they will vote on your behalf.

Also, don’t forget to take your CNICs back from us the day after elections. We can’t keep them forever – or maybe we can till, at least, the next Skype call from London.

We go from the wall to your Facebook wall. You know you want to share that cute Altaf Hussain video. The only thing more popular than puppies on social media are Altaf Bhai’s pappis – ek pappi idhar, ek pappi udhar.

Awami Muslim League (AML)



When you can buy the milk, why buy the Buffalo?

Jamaat-i-Islami (JI)



Look, we are PTI’s ally so we can’t be that bad right? And we are Islamic so if you are Muslim, you must vote for us.

We at least have an agenda. We oppose capitalism, communism, liberalism, socialism, secularism and Miley Cyrus. Mainly, Miley Cyrus – she has been used by the West as a wrecking ball against Pakistan. So what if Maududi opposed Jinnah and Pakistan. Pakistan exists now and we want some of that cake too now that it has been made.

Also, free ice cream for all the women (bought by their mehrams for them).

And no uncovered lollypops. Ever. Everyone except us is a kafir.

Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F)



What is our agenda? Depends – how much are you willing to pay?

Say no to Petrol. Only Diesel.

&nbsp;

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>A sneak peak into the ‘CPEC Master Plan’</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1412053/sneak-peak-cpec-master-plan</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1412053/sneak-peak-cpec-master-plan#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 18 May 17 09:19:52 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1412053</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Karachi will soon be called China Town under CPEC]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif was recently in China to participate in the ‘One Belt, One Road’ summit, which is ironic since his name and the word belt have never been used in the same sentence before. Many people have to tie two belts together and a nara with izarband each time when choosing to wear a suit. The struggle is real, people, especially for our respected premier.

At great risk to my personal well-being, I somehow managed to stick my hand in the pocket of PM Nawaz’s suit shalwar and pull out the longest term plan for the China-Pak Economic Dumbledore, I mean Corridor. I uttered Dumbledore first because the way China has convinced us that the China-Pakistan Economic Corridor is a game-changer for Pakistan has to be magic. I would not be surprised if Chinese Prime Minister Li Keqiang tried giving Nawaz some ‘love potion’ the last time they met. There is a reason why their love is higher than the mountains and deeper than the seas, you know.

Pakistan highly attractive destination for investment: PM Nawaz

And guess what… the CPEC master plan revelations are truly shocking.

The Shan (soon to be called Shan-Ghai masalay) advertisement was just the start. The Chinese are planning to replace every kind of Biryani (mind you) in Pakistan with Chicken Manchurian. In many ways, the master plan is exactly like the advertisement; to lure neighbours into friendship with food. When the loving dadi in the advertisement tells the Chinese woman, “Isko apna hee ghar samjho”, she just smiles knowing that that was her plan all along.

You know Nawaz Sharif is involved when all it took to win people over was a plate of biryani – this is basically how he took office.

[caption id="attachment_1412128" align="alignnone" width="625"] SCREEN GRAB[/caption]

The CPEC master plan has a simple proposal for agriculture which can be summarised in just four words: We grow, they eat. Everyone who once laughed at the Chinese people for eating dogs will not be laughing anymore when they will end up eating all our crops.

The Chinese idea to increase agricultural exports to one of the most water-stressed countries in the world is genius! If all the water goes to the crops then none of the water will be left for drinking, which will cure all our population-related problems.

If the, soon to be implemented, one child per house Chinese policy does not seem to work in Pakistan then the scarcity of water will do the trick – and please. Don't worry about how so many Chinese will fit in Pakistan because dil mai jaga honi chaiye, yaar. 

China-Pakistan Economic Corridor: ‘Long-term plan’ to be inked soon

According to the plan, Karachi's new name will be “China Town” and, in a reversal of fortune, Karachi will be the name of a restaurant in China Town. Lahore is to be called Lo Ho Ping, Gwadar is to be named Lo A Gaye Hum and Islamabad’s new name is Char Jao Ab Ling.

It is unclear what punishment the Chinese will give to those who shut down Chinese parlours in Islamabad. All the popular religious parties, who claimed communist parties could never win elections in Pakistan, are reportedly re-evaluating their beliefs.

The Chinese are also producing a sequel to the movie ‘Chalay thay saath’ now called ‘Chalay thay saath billion’. The movie revolves around sending the entire Chinese population into Pakistan and ends with the region being surrounded by the Great Wall of China. It is obviously fiction… for now.

The full surveillance system will ensure that Pakistanis do not do to the Great Wall of China what they do to every wall in the country. Huge sign boards saying saying ‘Great Wall of China par peshab karna mana hay’. In Mandarin. But that will not be a problem because soon it will be mandatory for all Pakistanis to learn Mandarin. The process has already started at primary schools.

[caption id="attachment_1412132" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: REUTERS[/caption]

The CPEC master's master plan also reveals the internet in Pakistan will be replaced by cat videos. It envisions a deep and broad based penetration – which is what most Pakistani teenage boys also envision when they use the internet. No Facebook, Twitter or Instagram; the internet will just be billions and billions of cat videos.

The aim is replicate the calm that the people of Pakistan had when PTV was the only channel available. Just like Ayub Khan had videos of tractors everywhere. Even when the country was on the verge of a disaster, the nation remained calm because they watched videos teaching them how to drive tractors. What was the country’s domestic policy, you ask? People don't know because when Pakistanis are driving tractors they are not thinking about the domestic policy.

In the same way, instead of worrying about their civil liberties and fundamental rights people will watch cat videos. The cuteness of the videos will distract them enough to forget about everything else.

It really is an ingenious plan --- but they can't fool me. I know exactly what the Chinese are up to...oh wait look at that cat video, it makes me completely forget about the East China Company.

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>A guide for Pakistani parents: How to kill your child’s curiosity</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1410222/guide-pakistani-parents-kill-childs-curiosity</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1410222/guide-pakistani-parents-kill-childs-curiosity#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 16 May 17 09:34:29 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Khurram Siddiqui]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1410222</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[A helpful guide brought to you by the Pakistan Parenting Association]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[A helpful guide brought to you by the Pakistan Parenting Association.

Most smart parents know that too much curiosity is a bad thing. Raising a child, especially an inquisitive one, is quite a challenge. We want our child to grow up to be a practical, well-to-do individual with an aura of respect and prestige. We don’t want them to become writers, artists or — Allah-na-keray — philosophers.

Here are a few ways you can keep those pesky questions to the minimum, and raise a successful, practical offspring who will conform to societal standards and make you proud!

1) Protect yourself first

Much like the instruction for oxygen masks on airplanes — protect yourself first, then protect your child. Try not to get yourself sucked into the curiosity trap, and try not to learn too much about the world — the more you know, the more you realize that you know very little, which in turn makes you curious, not unlike the child you are trying to discipline.

Every now and then, you may find yourself in a weak moment, contemplating a new idea for the sake of understanding the world. This is precisely the dangerous behavior you are trying to protect your child from.

Project for out-of-school children launched in Islamabad

Entertaining strange new ideas is like substance abuse — it’s very easy to get carried away. If you aren’t careful, you’ll find yourself interrogating your decades-old, firmly held beliefs that you’ve fought hard to keep intact; beliefs that have now become part of your identity. And your identity is your source of pride, so protect it at all cost.

2) Nip it in the bud

Don’t leave your child’s questions unattended. Childhood curiosity can be tenacious. Not answering the question right away only means the question will pop up again. Now, imagine if you were not around when the question came up. Other adults may encourage your child’s curiosity, or worse, answer your child’s question in a way that is unacceptable to you. The trick, therefore, is to think on your feet, and come up with an easily digestible answer the first time itself. Just make sure the answer does not contradict another unrelated answer you had given earlier. If you do this, be prepared for a volley of questions, precisely what you were avoiding.

Helpful tip: Don’t worry about being logical or realistic. Being the parent, you can literally make your child believe anything you want without much evidence or logic. Use your position in the relationship to your advantage.

3) Obedience

Your most important weapon in the fight against curiosity is obedience. This is a trait you need to inculcate in your child as early as possible. It’ll make things a lot easier for you, your child, and all the authority figures your child will be subjected to in the future — teachers, school administrators, religious authority figures, the government, the police, and the military. For a society, as for a family, to keep functioning the way it’s functioning without disruption, we need obedience. If it wasn’t for obedient children who grew up to become subservient adults, would Pakistan have made the remarkable progress that it has?

Footpath School children in Karachi dance their hearts out

Helpful tip: If you are a father, it helps to think of yourself as the ‘head of state’ and your offspring as the ‘subject’. Own the position — protect it, and make sure you and your position remain significant for a long time. If you are the mother, you are the deputy of the ‘head of state’. Your job is to always support your husband. If you have a difference of opinion with him, just ignore it, and set a good example for your child of how to be obedient.

Another helpful tip: Do not ever apologise if you make a mistake — it undermines your authority as a parent. In fact, according to some thinkers, it’s not a mistake if your heart was in the right place, and as parents, your heart is always in the right place. That’s just a fact. If you cannot resist the urge to apologise, make sure you downplay the mistake, and never use the words ‘mistake’, ‘sorry’ or ‘apologize’.

4) Use the fear of rejection

Tell your child that publicly questioning conventional beliefs will draw ridicule from relatives, friends, and coworkers. If they question things too much, they may even be ostracized. Even if they do so privately, questioning fundamental beliefs can trigger an existential crisis, which, as we all know, leads quickly to suicide. Give them examples of European philosophers, many of whom committed the grave sin of suicide because they wouldn’t stop questioning things.

So, it is best to be safe and not question things at all. Only accept new ideas if they, beyond doubt, support your existing ideas and worldview.

5) School

Don’t worry too much about what your child studies at school; most schools have evolved to feed information to and discipline future job seekers. Even that’s something they struggle to achieve in Pakistan, so there isn’t much to worry about.

Three children used as drug mules rescued

There is a reason schools focus on Physics, Chemistry, Biology, Math and English as opposed to Sociology, Government, Politics, Philosophy and Anthropology. The former are practical subjects that prepare workers of the future to secure jobs and support their families. The latter only get them worked up and upset about perfectly normal things like strictly-defined gender roles.

Occasionally, however, you may come across an idealistic principal or a teacher who has a liberal arts background. They may encourage the inquisitive nature of your child, so avoid educators and schools that have an idealistic inclination.

6) University

Another problematic situation arises when your child is ready to go to university. They may not agree with what you’ve decided for them to study, and may put up resistance. This usually happens if they have gained some emotional and intellectual independence, i.e. they feel it is okay for them to entertain ideas that they know you won’t approve of. This is dangerous territory.

If your child says they want to study literature, philosophy or sociology, you know you’re in trouble. Use whatever tactic you can to dissuade them. If they win, be prepared to deflect questions about your child's career from inquisitive guests and relatives at weddings and iftar parties. While they go on and on about their son’s amazing job at Unilever, you’ll be struggling to recall what exactly your child does at the newspaper.

To avoid this situation be vigilant from the time your child is born. Keep idealistic relatives away from your child, and be especially vigilant of the child’s older cousins and friends. A category we often take for granted are science geeks — they are practical, smart and usually have jobs, but their ideas can encourage young people to be skeptical, to question conventional thinking, and to stop being intellectually complacent. Engineering graduates in Pakistan typically do not fall into this category, so don’t worry about them.

Find a university for your child that does not admit students from lower socioeconomic backgrounds, or other categories of people you would not want your child to end up marrying. Exposure to the class system can also make a young adult become aware of the glaring inequality in society, and encourage them to question things. Stick with private universities where the environment is devoid of political thought, and students come from largely similar, well-to-do backgrounds. These universities regularly arrange pointless events to keep students busy, and give them a sense of belonging.

Helpful tip: If you feel that the university is too open-minded, or there is too much inter-gender mingling, or the girls are not appropriately dressed, gather other parents and approach the university management. Since you are paying the tuition fee, you are the university’s ultimate customer, not your child. No one understands this better than the university management.

7) Marriage

Try to get your daughters married soon after they graduate from university, and your sons as soon as they find a stable job (unless you need either of them to support you financially). Being unmarried with newfound independence may give your child space to contemplate and entertain interesting new questions, like ‘Why do people have children?’. Be mindful of what they are doing with their income; for example, if they buy too many books, you’re in trouble. So plan ahead and keep your son or daughter occupied with major life events, like their wedding, their first child, their second child... you get the picture.

Helpful tip: Although your child becomes an adult at the age of 18 and can legally do everything that adults can, like owning property, getting married to whoever they choose, and fighting for the country, it is advisable to not highlight the fact that they are now independent adults, much like yourself. Keep using the words larka and larki — as opposed to aadmi and aurat — to refer to young adults, until they get married and have two kids of their own, or until they start looking like they’re 37.

Remember that only the most obedient, practical and self-centered children will make it to the top in our society, bringing their parents immense pride and joy.

This piece is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>If the TV show ‘Black Mirror’ was based in Pakistan</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1410238/tv-show-black-mirror-based-pakistan</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1410238/tv-show-black-mirror-based-pakistan#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 16 May 17 06:18:20 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Rahul Aijaz]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category><category><![CDATA[Film]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1410238</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[The British television show deals with the realities of our modern world and we can relate it to Pakistani society]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Whenever writers, film-makers or artists have explored the idea of a dystopian society, they always talk about it with reference to the future. We always think the worst is yet to come. In a paradoxical antithesis of the idea of hope, we most importantly want to feel safe in the here and now. “It’s alright so far,” we say. But what if it’s not? What if we are merely pretending that it is? What if the future is now and we don’t have to be afraid of the unpleasantness of the future dystopian world because we already live in it and as shocking as it may be, we are comfortable in it.

The increasing anger and frustration of this segmented world, the boiling paranoia of everything we don’t understand, and the technological invasion of our lives has turned us into the very creatures we read about in dystopian literature and feel afraid. “We are not them,” we say. But what if we are?

Gender equality: Educating women a must for enlightened society: Shehbaz

British television show Black Mirror deals with all the realities of our modern world and how we have become what we said we never would: paranoid humanoids who would steal someone’s oxygen to keep themselves alive. We have become the kind who inhales fear and exhales disgust. We live in a world where mob mentality overrules any laws and regulations. In literary dystopias, it is most often the government who is the controlling evil. But in today’s dystopia, it is the people. Mob mentality prevails and sanity is buried somewhere thousands of miles under the mine-filled land of distrust, hatred, and blind rage.

An interesting fact about Black Mirror is that it, in its own twisted way, predicted Trump’s presidency and even told a story of a fictional British prime minister having a 'very' close relationship with a pig. Coincidentally, knowledge of an uncorroborated anecdote between actual former British PM David Cameron and a pig was later made public. While the television show has made interesting social commentary on today’s perverted world, we wonder how it would look if it was made in Pakistan. If anything, recent happenings in the country have offered more than a glimpse of the bitter society we live in, and it would be interesting to see how the show’s creator Charlie Brooker would tackle them.

We discuss six recent happenings in Pakistan that would make for brilliant Black Mirror episodes.

We are Mashal Khan: Civil society comes out in support of slain university student

1)     Qandeel Baloch’s life

Call her an attention-seeking wannabe model or a symbol for unapologetic independent women, Qandeel Baloch’s life surely fits the bill for a Black Mirror episode. It’s unsurprising, yet interesting to see how social media can change and even end lives. It was social media which hyped, mocked, and made Baloch a celebrity for no reason. It was social media that inadvertently caused her demise. We don’t even need to add fictional elements to make it a Black Mirror episode. A simple biopic with emphasis on the role of the internet and how its influence destroys lives is enough to make us reflect, at least temporarily, on our careless behaviour when we are anonymous. “We didn’t do it. They did,” we say.

2)      Mashal Khan incident

The fact that Mashal Khan was brutally murdered not by the 'lesser educated' (generally believed to be more extremist-adjacent) but rather his own fellow university students and faculty, is evidence enough that education and technology don’t change man’s inherently violent nature. If anything, it merely enhances it and gives it different ways to implement it. We have moved on from swords and spears to guns and missiles. Yet, Khan’s story reminds us of our animal nature where a quick death isn’t enough to satisfy us.

It’s a classic case of mob mentality overpowering the general rules of a civilised society.

Imagine a world where it was legal for people to murder and maim anyone they perceive as guilty of a crime. What would become of the society where purging of sanity was encouraged?

Mardan university student accused of blasphemy beaten to death on campus

3)      Yasir Hussain’s child molestation joke

Yasir Hussain caught heat when he made his life’s biggest mistake by joking about child molestation at a recent award’s show. Sitting comfortable in his home, he apologised and was largely forgiven. A couple of weeks later, the incident is largely forgotten as we dwell on our latest obsession. With our short attention spans, that’s what we do. We raise our voice on one issue, forget about it the next day and move on. But what if those twitter warriors were actually willing to go farther than typing 140 characters?



PHOTO: FILE

Imagine a world where governments don’t exist and all conflicts are solved by public trials where angry people decide what to do. Hussain would not go forgiven from the trial, even after hundreds of apologies. It’s cruel to imagine what would come of him, but it won’t be a surprise, given this is the direction we’re headed toward as a society.

4)      Waqar Zaka’s beatdown

This may seem eerily similar to Black Mirror’s ’15 Million Merits’ episode from the first season. Television ratings and online views are all the rage. Brands, corporate companies and channels are willing to spend money on anything that goes viral. In the aforementioned episode, Bing’s rant about being sick of the slave-like society powered by ratings and constant distraction through entertainment shockingly earns him a television show of his own. Zaka’s incident may or may not have earned him sympathy or a new television show (along with his attacker), but it did earn him thousands of views, which translate as free publicity. It served as a good distraction for people and now it’s largely forgotten about. What if the entire episode with Zaka, his beatdown, and the eventual resolution of the conflict with his attacker landed him a series? It would not be far-fetched to think it could happen. In this day and age, free publicity (positive or negative) is like winning a jackpot. You’re sure to become popular for 15 minutes, or could end up drowning in your 15 million rupees.

5)      Naureen Laghari

A medical student, Naureen Laghari made headlines last month when she was captured for being involved with ISIS. An educated girl from the province which is a symbol of peace and love and Sufi scholars had joined ISIS and was set to suicide attack a church on Easter. She allegedly met a man through Facebook who lured her into joining the group. She disappeared, travelled to Syria, married another terrorist and returned to Pakistan to carry out her mission. The potential Black Mirror episode could revolve around her family and friends trying to find her, and the mystery of what urged Laghari to go in that direction.

6)      Ramazan ban on eating/drinking in public

Religion is a personal matter. The entire point of fasting is to not be affected by the tempting surroundings. If we are to remove the temptations in our surroundings, then what’s the point of fasting anyway?

It does not test a Muslim’s faith and actually shows how weak it is. We don’t even need to imagine a world where eating and drinking is banned during Ramazan because it’s happening right here. What you can imagine is the suffering of all those who can’t fast – elderly, sick, pregnant women, children, and how this ban will affect them. With the scorching heat waves this region is known for, it is bound to end with people dying due to dehydration and other factors. The ridiculousness and unsurprising level of public support for the ban screams Black Mirror at this point. I wonder how it would go down if a hungry child or elderly person falls victim to a mob.

Couple gets death over 'blasphemous' text message

This is sadly the dark truth of our fearful society. We go to curb anything and everything to protect our convictions. As we go about our lives mocking a stranger online or fighting our friend for questioning authority or common beliefs, we need to understand that the black mirror of our cellphones and laptops is actually showing a truer reflection of us than the dressing table mirrors.

Have something to add to the story? Share it in the comments below. ]]>
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			<title>Denying entry to Pakistani Fulbright scholar major victory in war on terror: US</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1375867/denying-entry-pakistani-fulbright-scholar-major-victory-war-terror-us</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1375867/denying-entry-pakistani-fulbright-scholar-major-victory-war-terror-us#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 06 Apr 17 10:24:21 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1375867</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[US exposes Pakistan’s grand plan to bring down their country by exporting academic terrorists]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Our cover has finally been blown. For decades, Pakistani students have managed to sneak their way into the United States secretly pouring millions of dollars in education fees into the US economy and adding diversity to their college programmes. For decades, top Pakistani brains have made sufficient breakthroughs in academic research in the US adding to their college departments. For decades, brilliant Pakistani professionals have graduated from top US universities to diversify and innovate the US markets.

But all this terrorism will now come to an end. The US finally realised our grand plan to bring down their country by developing their economy and opening up emerging markets for them.

Pakistani Fulbright scholar denied entry into the US despite valid visa

We were once the second-fastest growing and the seventh-largest ethnic group in the United States but clearly, we were just mooching off Uncle Sam and contributed absolutely nothing to the country. About 500,000 Pakistanis just sitting on the couch eating American doughnuts and planning the next terrorist attack in the country – it's just that Pakistanis are lazy which is why 500,000 people have only managed a handful of terrorist attacks in the last two decades.

A Pakistani even almost managed to get a US President elected. Huma Abedin would have finally managed to put Hilary Clinton – an ISI agent – in the White House, thus fulfilling the decade-long Pakistani plan to infiltrate the upper echelons of the states.

Hillary takes a leaf out of Imran Khan’s playbook

We were so close – in Saqib Ali, Ali Sajjad Taj, Arif Alikhan, Shamila N Chaudhry we had mayors, advisors, delegates and representatives. They would have all come together at the right time to summon Captain Pakistan - he’s the superhero who is going to bring the US down to zero. Saghir Tahir even managed to get elected on a Republican Party ticket – a Pakistani-Muslim elected representative in the Republican Party? That would be like Bernie Sanders being named the new khalifa of ISIS.

Clearly, Pakistani academics have contributed nothing to the United States and all these people are simply terrorists in the making. I applaud the decision of the US to deny entry into the US to Zia Shah, a Fulbright scholar. Zia Shah wanted to teach empathy, well how can he do that without having faced extreme prejudice himself? If anything, the US is helping him experience something crucial to his education and training work. One must face extremism to help others facing extremism.

All his work in developing peace and empathy would have led to so much terrorism. We all know peace is only a euphemism for war – why else would the US claim to be the most peace-loving nation in the world? You want some peace? Here are some bombs instead.

Now Donald Trump is here to put an end to all this academic terrorism being exported from Pakistan. It is time to make the Fulbright program fully dim. No more H-1B visas for the top of class graduates, no more opportunities to bring their unique expertise and specialisation to America and no more curry. Face it, if it wasn’t for Britain and America, we would not even have curry. No Pakistani in Pakistan has ever had curry or naan bread – which by the way is just naan! That would be like calling it chai tea – wait a minute Starbucks does have a chai tea option.

Pakistan doesn't need Starbucks

If Pakistanis didn't want to become terrorists, why would they learn chemistry and aeronautical engineering in America? All these academics are simply pretending to be peace-loving. They are all covert spies. As soon as the global call to jihad happens Akbar S Ahmed will leave anthropology and raise havoc on America like The Mummy Returns – it will be a bigger disaster than Brendan Fraser’s career.

Ayesha Jalal will stop teaching history at Tufts University and start making the United States itself history. Adil Najam will leave teaching Geography and work towards wrecking geography – the Grand Canyon is about to get so much wider.

Farooq Azam will leave marine microbiology and accept his real secret identity – Pakistani Aquaman. Some time ago, he had to apply for asylum in the United States after he was repeatedly hunted by Baloch fishermen off the coast of Karachi.

10 ways to enter the United States if you're a Muslim

Saleem H Ali will stop researching the environment and start working on destroying it. But wait, Trump already has that covered so we Pakistanis can do what we love doing the most - just sit back and watch doing nothing.

We all know ISIS simply stands for Islamabad School of Institutional Scoundrels. It's about time we stop exporting these academic terrorists. These vile creatures are allowed to do their work here; maybe build a few more universities and colleges here too while they are at it.

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>Tired of fighting Taliban at home, PM flies to Turkey to fight Islamic State</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1336417/not-content-just-fighting-taliban-pakistan-pm-flies-turkey-fight-islamic-state</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1336417/not-content-just-fighting-taliban-pakistan-pm-flies-turkey-fight-islamic-state#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 23 Feb 17 10:33:54 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1336417</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[He is not the leader we want but much like Batman, he is the leader we deserve.]]>
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				<![CDATA[I salute Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif for all the bravery he has shown in the past week. When Pakistan was being marred by daily terrorist attacks, our prime minister was at the forefront of the violence – safely hiding in the basement of his house in Raiwind.

A firm believer in the proverb that “silence speaks louder than words”, he reassured a frantic nation with his silence. Nawaz Sharif has even gone the extra mile of ensuring not only his vocal silence but also his physical one.

When the nation has been threatened by war from terrorist organisations, he has taken the confrontation head on by flying to Turkey for three days. He's not the leader we want but, much like Batman, he's the leader we deserve. Not content with just fighting TTP in Pakistan, he's going to Turkey to fight the Islamic State also. If only the United Nations trusted him with the Middle East, even Germany would be Palestine by now.

Nawaz, Imran and Zardari share New Year resolutions

When people from around the country were picking up bodies from their shrines, their streets and their homes, they were at least happy in the knowledge that their leader was safe at his house enjoying a warm meal.

I am sure all the people dying of terrorism are happy to know that our economy is on the rise — nothing better than financial manipulation by Ishaq Dar and cooking up some books to placate the nation. So what if you are not safe anywhere in the country, a mythical number in a book somewhere is bigger than what it was last year.

It doesn't matter that life for the peasant in Pakistan has not changed for centuries. At least their colonisers were better looking a century ago.

Lord Mountbatten did not pretend to care about the locals but Nawaz Sharif is the real man of the people. Whereas the British built rail roads to steal local resources and transfer them to the centre, our government has never done that. Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) does not build railways – they are known for building roads. Roads that move goods from all over Pakistan to the centre to grow the economy. There is nothing similar to what the British were doing then and what the PML-N is doing now.

Sure there were no hospitals for the wounded of the Sehwan blast and sure when they got to the nearest hospital, there were no beds, adequate equipment, resources or personnel but the nation must appreciate how smooth the roads were on which all injured people were transported. With their dying breath, they must be thanking the government for those roads. If only I could travel through a few underpasses then I can die a happy person.

Don’t kidnap me. I'm not a liberal

Hospitals do not buy you votes. You cannot paste your picture on hospital beds. What this nation needs is roads because they vote on the basis of what they see not what they know. If they see a shiny bus, they are convinced the nation must be progressing. We are all ready to buy a one-way ticket to our deaths on that bus.

Who needs a Quaid-e-Azam speaking to millions to show them he is with them – people who do not even understand the language spoken by Jinnah but are reinvigorated by his very presence? Who needs a Mandela encouraging his supporters from prison? Who needs a Martin Lurther King marching hand in hand? Who needs an Obama, Merkel, Trudeau – leaders who speak to the nation after every calamity to ensue calm and reinforce the nation’s ideals when you have the serenity of radio silence?

You do not need words when you have bombs. How many people died last week? About 200? Alright then let’s bomb 200 “terrorists” and call it even. It does not matter if some of these terrorists we have known about for a while or if some of them are not even terrorists. As long as the nation sees action, they will forget about this tragedy next week.

It really is a matter of perspective anyway, who’s to say what the nation should be more outraged about – a bomb at a shrine or Sheema Kermani dancing at a shrine?

Here’s what Nostradamus predicted about Pakistan in 2017

I am sure we have seen the end of terrorism now that we have dropped a few bombs. From tomorrow, all our leaders will move with no protocol, they will have no need to block a mile of road each time they need to travel, they will not speak to the public behind bulletproof glass, their homes will not be guarded with our tax money, their homes will not stretch for hundreds of miles, they will not move with hundreds of people and tens of cars each time they need to move.

If all of that does not happen then know that they know the country is not safe. They are lying to you. They are all the same. The day you take their privilege away, the day you strip their protection, they will see how the rest of us live and they might want to change that – not for us but for themselves.

I salute Nawaz Sharif for his ability to stay so brave in the face of such adversity. I also salute Imran Khan for all his criticism of the TTP. I am sure the government and the opposition will no longer be in bed with terrorist organisations. After all, the real criminals here are the victims of terrorism or as Rana Sanaullah puts it, if people don't gather and protest, they won't get bombed in public places. Does he blame the people who die in bomb blasts for the attacks? Guess General Dyer is alive after all.

Remember, the Emperor has no clothes.

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>10 ways to enter the United States if you're a Muslim</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1327377/10-ways-enter-united-states-youre-muslim</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1327377/10-ways-enter-united-states-youre-muslim#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 15 Feb 17 09:13:06 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1327377</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Trust me it's worth going to Guantanamo for a Shake Shack burger]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[United States President Donald Trump has implemented a Muslim ban, which is not called a Muslim ban but simply seeks to restrict entry of people from seven Muslim-majority countries with the caveat being that religious minorities from those countries are exempted. You see how the ban does not at all target one religion.

Pakistan is not on that list yet but it's important to be prudent so here are 10 ways to beat the Muslim ban and enter the US – trust me it's worth going to Guantanamo for a Shake Shack burger.

US hints at extending visa ban to Pakistan

1) Only take one wife to America

You may have four wives but just like your children, you know in your heart which one is your favourite. Just take her to America – if you are to take more than one, just tell the immigration officer that you're “friends with benefits”.

While you're at it, it might be useful to brush up your Friends knowledge. Everybody loves a good Chandler joke to cut the tension at the airport.

2) Never use a Muslim shower

The trick is in the name itself. For all of its technological advances, the United States does not still have the greatest invention known to mankind – the Muslim shower. Don't ask for it. Don't mention it.

Get used to using atheist showers.

3) Pretend to be an Indian

Every racist Pakistani has done an Indian accent and pretended that white people only use it to ridicule Indian people and not all brown people in general. This is where your racism comes handy. If you walk into America pretending to be Apu from the Simpsons, your chances of being let in will skyrocket.

4) Keep repeating ‘My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist’

It worked for Shah Rukh Khan, it may work for you as well!

Trump says new order on refugees is not a Muslim ban

5) Learn your hipster lingo

There is another bearded group of people taking over the United States and terrorising citizens – the hipsters. There is no need to shave off your beard if you are Muslim. Simply grab an old school radio and wear 70s fashion.

As long as you throw in words like 'organic', 'grass fed' and 'local' in every sentence, you can convince the immigration officer that your beard is a hipster beard.

Make sure you wear large plastic framed glasses.

6) Don’t pray at the airport

In a show of strength, Muslims at airports around America stopped traffic and decided to pray in the middle of the airports. That just made it easier for the immigration officers to round up Muslims and deport them.

Even if you see other people praying – do not join in. Stand to the side and start singing Bollywood songs instead. If you’re lucky, they might confuse you for an Indian.

7) Lie

The foolproof Muslim ban plan has just one flaw – it becomes ineffective if you lie. The plan effectively targets terrorists who have no moral issues with killing groups of people but the assumption is they cannot tell a lie.

Trump’s warning: Pakistan visa applicants to face ‘extreme vetting’

The US visa process already has a highly efficient way of preventing terrorists from applying for visas by asking on the form if the applicant is a terrorist – as we all know terrorists cannot lie so that question is bound to stop all terrorists from getting a visa.

8) Hate on Mexicans

It's every group for themselves. As Muslims, you might think that you are the only minority group targeted in America but that's not true. America is an equal opportunity offender to all minority groups.

Trump may hate Muslims but he also hates Mexicans. This is no time to enjoy Chipotle or drool over Taco Bell. Rehearse your “build a wall” chants before landing in the US.

9) Sell your friends and family out

While you're at it, why only hate on other groups? Hate on your own group as well!

By pointing out who all the other Muslims are, you may be allowed in as an informant for the United States government. The Trump administration may still throw you out but it is worth a shot. Worst case scenario, you still get to get back at people from your own country that you do not like - simply just report your phuppo living illegally in the US for a decade as soon as you land.

10) Go to Canada

Why even go to the United States? Take back control of your own life. America is a country that is made on the backs of immigrants. If the USA wants to close their borders to all the progress that it has made in recent years then they are welcome to their own destruction.

Go to Canada. Justin Trudeau is beautiful!

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>Dear Indian media, don’t hate Mahira Khan just because she’s Pakistani</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1314792/dear-indian-media-dont-hate-mahira-khan-just-shes-pakistani</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1314792/dear-indian-media-dont-hate-mahira-khan-just-shes-pakistani#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 02 Feb 17 09:50:36 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1314792</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[When all Raees reviews start sounding like they were written by Kamal R Khan, it makes you stop and wonder]]>
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				<![CDATA[Dear Indian media,

With Arnab Goswami temporarily off the air, we assumed the cacophony of excrement hurled by the far right through their mouthpieces on the media would have subsided but the far right in India seems to be at a buffet of channa cholay and laxatives.

Instead, the Indian media continues to toe the hard far right line. When everybody on TV starts sounding the same you know something has gone awry. If all Pakistani channels claim that Humayun Saeed is the best actor in the world then know that a coup has taken place in Pakistan.

Mahira Khan becomes first Pakistani actress to join Bollywood's 100 Crore Club

Fawad Khan is an ISI agent, Ali Zafar sings songs written by Raheel Sharif and Atif Aslam is Mughal Emperor Aurangzeb reborn but don’t hate on Mahira Khan only because she is Pakistani.

We have the Taliban and we still report the news. You are scared of a 66-year-old brown “Donald Trump”.

We have been at war for almost all of our existence and we still find the time to talk about love. We beat you in one cricket series in India and you never want to play us again.

Don’t believe what your media tells you. We don’t all look like Hafiz Saeed. Some of us look like Mahira Khan – actually a lot of us look like Mahira Khan. Not me personally but I have Facebook stalked enough people to categorically make that statement.

There will always be cynics and haters but when all Raees reviews start sounding like they were written by Kamal Rashid Khan, it makes you stop and wonder where all of the negativity is coming from?

Cinema owners fear losses as Raees leaks on cable, Facebook

We love Pakistan but that does not stop us from appreciating Arijit Singh’s voice or Virat Kohli’s batting or Nawazuddin Siddiqui’s acting. We even listen to the Indian Coke Studio. Alright, I admit, I might be exaggerating there a little bit; even Indians do not like the Indian Coke Studio.

Blasting Sari Raat Jagah while driving to Delhi Gate or putting up posters of a shirtless Fawad Khan in your room will not make you any less Indian. Art is art, art knows no borders. Neither does lust so you are allowed to enjoy Fawad as much as we do. And trust me we do enjoy Fawad a lot.

No need to treat Mahira any differently just because she is Pakistani. Treat her like any other Bollywood actor, as in keep giving her movies until it is no longer believable for her to look normal as the love interest of a 50-year-old man. You can then repeat the cycle by casting another young actress.

Mahira may not be a 'Kapoor' or a 'Bhatt' but she is a 'Khan'. Don’t make her remind you of the Karan Johar movie dialogue: “My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist.” Nobody, including Karan Johar, wants to be reminded of that movie. Obama did not meet any Indian ever after learning that Shah Rukh Khan wanted to meet him in that movie – that movie is the reason Trump has banned Muslims from entering the United States.

Udi Udi Jaye: Mahira, SRK stun in latest Raees stills

As bad an actor as Mahira Khan may be, her performance cannot be any worse than Shah Rukh Khan’s portrayal of an autistic person in My Name Is Khan. That movie is to autism what Shiv Sena is to tolerance.

You are losing your top talent to Hollywood any way. Might as well let Mahira Khan fulfill the dream of most Pakistani girls of romancing Shah Rukh Khan. Our loyalties to our country do not stop us from enjoying life. It does not stop us from believing in a Raj or falling in love. Don’t stop yourself from finding your Raj in Fawad Khan or your Simran in Mahira Khan just because they are Pakistani. Have you not watched Veer Zara?

You can steal our jokes and our music; we can steal your movies and your dances. You can steal our actors; we can steal your festivals. You can steal our singers – actually no, can you just stop stealing our singers?

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>Satire site Khabaristan Times blocked in Pakistan</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1311524/satire-website-khabaristan-times-blocked-pakistan</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1311524/satire-website-khabaristan-times-blocked-pakistan#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 30 Jan 17 11:50:21 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[sehrish.wasif]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[Technology]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1311524</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Team says they have not received any official notification regarding the ban]]>
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				<![CDATA[Satire website Khabaristan Times has reportedly been blocked in Pakistan.

In a post on their official Facebook page, Khabaristan Times said the website has been banned since January 25, 2017. The website is inaccessible and the Khabaristan Times team has not been given any official notification regarding the ban.

Noted Indian magazine's website blocked in Pakistan

[fbpost link="https://www.facebook.com/KhabaristanTimes/posts/685777631583075"][/fbpost]

Federal government officials privy to the matter confirmed the website has been blocked. "The website has been blocked after reviewing numerous complaints from both institutions and individuals regarding the content," an official told The Express Tribune on the condition of anonymity.

“This site can't be reached” is what one encounters on trying to access the website



Khabaristan Times is inspired by satirical US news website The Onion. With its tantalising, entirely made-up stories, they cleverly shine a light on the country’s most prominent ‘conspiracy theories’ and ‘obsessions.’]]>
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			<title>Five foolproof ways to get high media ratings</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1307608/five-foolproof-ways-get-high-media-ratings</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1307608/five-foolproof-ways-get-high-media-ratings#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 30 Jan 17 07:29:59 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1307608</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[As a media guru, I have cracked the industry and being the Robin Hood I am, I want to share my expertise]]>
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				<![CDATA[Three things will always sell in Pakistan: patriotism, cricket and gola ganda. Anybody who has had gutter-water ice with coloured chemicals and Comelle in a glass needs no explanation as to why the latter sells. Cricket is the lasting legacy of colonialism in Pakistan and just like we will never stop selling fairness creams to make people look more British, we will also never stop watching cricket. There is a reason you now only see four balls an over live and the rest have been devoured by commercials.

We live in a world where ratings are the only thing that matters. Content does not matter. The truth does not matter. Basic human decency does not matter. If an animation of a bomb blowing up makes people watch our channel then it does not matter if a million people actually died in that bomb blast.

PEMRA bans Amir Liaquat over hate speech

As a media guru, I have finally cracked the media industry and in the interest of being the Robin Hood of ratings, I want to share my expertise with the rest of the world. Here are five foolproof ways of getting high ratings in Pakistan.

Patriotism

This is the top selling item in Pakistan; whether you want to profit from August 14-themed items or you want to get out of legal repercussions, the way to do is to invoke your patriotism.

You can win the ratings war against other channels by showing how much more of a patriotic you are than them. If all else fails, just throw the name of Pakistan into everything and all of a sudden you have an infinitely more popular show.

A variety show? Tonight with Pakistan

A Ramazan transmission show? Ramazan Pakistan

A soap opera? Pakistani Saas Bahu

Be-izzati

Either create content without any semblance of humanity and decency or insult everybody and everything, be-izzati is the way to get popular.

Get four men and get them to insult women and minorities for an hour, and you will have the highest-rated show on television.

JUI-F leader allegedly assaults woman rights activist on TV show

There is nothing more entertaining than watching an entire group of people being stereotyped and insulted for the same things every single night. We have laughed at these jokes for generations and we will continue to do so.

Ethics? What ethics?

Has someone died? Why not ask the teenage sibling how they feel about their loved one’s untimely death?

Is that not inappropriate enough? How about add sad violin music in the background and make the old pictures black and white. For added effect, you may even add a crack between the pictures to show that the person is now dead.

Ideally you should do this every time there is a national tragedy so that you have the entire nation watching you. You should also show off that you were the first channel to get this exclusive and break the news to the nation about the national tragedy.

If you have to punch another reporter to get the interview, then that is just part of the job.

Fights

Every single time an anchor says that they do not want a fight on their television show, know that they are lying. Every anchor in Pakistan wants a fight on their show because a fight means ratings and ratings mean money!

Ruckus in NA as defence minister calls Shireen Mazari ‘tractor trolley’

The best anchors are those who can successfully incite a fight and seemingly stay innocent in the entire matter. If you can successfully provoke a party member against another party member then you have a viral video on your hands and a zero will be added to your salary.

The politicians dabba format is like the traditional cock fight held in Pakistan. Viewers pick their side and watch their animal try to better the other cock. At the end, you might celebrate the victory but we all come out as losers just because this idiotic activity was held.

Apocalypse NOW!

THE END IS HERE! Nothing sells better in the world than fear. If you sufficiently scare people into thinking the world will end today, then you will ensure people tune in to watch the Apocalypse.

Is the government running fine? Tell people the government is about to end. Are people watching too many Bollywood movies? Tell them India is about to go to war with Pakistan. Too many USAID advertisements changing perception about American people? Tell them Donald Trump will drop a nuclear bomb on Pakistan.

Actually, the last one might just happen so maybe scratch that.

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>'Karachi Eat Festival should rename itself We Hate Men Festival'</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1299237/karachi-eat-festival-rename-hate-men-festival</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1299237/karachi-eat-festival-rename-hate-men-festival#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 18 Jan 17 09:20:45 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1299237</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[How dare they hurt my fragile male ego by instituting 'Families Only' policy?]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[I am a Pakistani male, and because of my male privilege, I am not used to hearing “No”. I get the biggest boti at the dinner time, and I like it much like Sir Mix-a-Lot. I get to enjoy all the public spaces available in the country whilst making cheap jokes about supporting the idea of having ‘Girls at Dhabas’ – nothing like reducing an entire progressive women’s rights movement to a joke about eye candy.

As such you can understand my dismay when something is denied to me. I hate all Indians because of 1947 and all Americans for the drone attacks but I do not understand how women in Pakistan can feel unsafe around men just because some men engage in sexual violence against them.

Atif Aslam stops performance to admonish eve-teasers

By following a policy already implemented at shopping malls and other public spaces in the country, the Karachi Eat Festival with a single stroke has condemned all men to be rapists. I am a man and I am not a rapist so naturally I will take to the social media to vent my fury. I don’t care if women were assaulted as recently as this Saturday at a concert in Karachi – I was not the one doing it so I see no reason for any public space to be protected from me.

All my friends and family members can testify that I have never assaulted them so it makes sense for me to use the hashtag #NotAllMen. All my friends talk lustfully about people so I will not count them in the #NotAllMen category. My family members make colour jokes about women too so maybe not them as well but definitely not me. Basically what I mean when I use the hashtag #NotAllMen is #NotMe – it is a way to show people I am a nice guy so I can get a girl.

Denying entry to a single man to the Karachi Eat Festival is a denial of my fundamental basic human right. It is my right to enjoy a public space. It is true that we tacitly deny this right to all women in Pakistan each day by creating the conditions in public that contribute to the creation of rape culture in Pakistan, generating the need for feminist organisations to reclaim public spaces but that is not as cool as a food festival so can we focus on the priorities.

Set aside that male privilege and stand up for your women, Pakistan

Me posting a selfie at Karachi Eat Festival to make my Facebook friends think I am cool is a lot more important than creating safer public spaces. In a country where patriarchy rules and there is a seemingly insurmountable male privilege, it is sexist to deny single men entry to a private ticketed festival. Obviously, I can take my family to the festival but that would make me uncool so I do not want to do that. Plus, there will be so many men there; I cannot possibly take my mother or sisters in fear that other men would stare at them.

The Karachi Eat Festival should rename itself Women Eat Festival or We Hate Men Festival. Women do not even love food that much – this is why they maintain a strict diet after internalising unachievable standards of beauty set by men for them. If they do end up eating everything at Karachi Eat that they want to, who will marry them? A day of food is not worth losing a husband over.

If women love food so much, why are there no women sitting at Khadda Market at 3 am enjoying garlic mayo rolls? Or women sitting on footpath at Burns Roads enjoying nihari and fried kebab? Or women haggling with the street vendors all over the city on the roads? I have never even seen a woman run after a Wall’s ice cream-wala.

It is men who get to enjoy all the food offered by Karachi publicly each day. We too get stared at but probably not as much as women.

Are 'stags' the real problem with concerts in Pakistan?

How dare women demand the right to be out in public eating food and feeling safe? How can we give them the privilege of doing something for three days that men get to enjoy for the entire year?

It hurts my fragile male ego to think that women would feel threatened by me. All I do is appreciate beautiful women by staring at them in public. I am educated and I am friends with women so obviously I will not act upon my desires so I am not the same as a buswala or a panwala staring at them. All stares are not created equal.

My social standing and my class demand that I come off as being unthreatening. Why am I making this about class? Well, I have no straw man argument left to argue this on the basis of gender so I will make this about class by playing the victim card.

As an educated, English-speaking man able to afford a ticket to a festival, I will argue that I am being discriminated against based on my class. I cannot possibly acknowledge my male privilege and if I cannot prove sexism against men in the face of a plethora of evidence of sexual misconduct, harassment and violence against women then I have no option but to make this about class as even acknowledging that we need to have a conversation about feminism, women’s rights or safer public spaces shatters my fragile male ego.

Karachi Eat postponed due to inclement weather

All I am saying is keep all the other men out of the festival but please, at least, let me enter. I love those Churros!!!!

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>Don’t kidnap me. I'm not a liberal</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1291325/dont-kidnap-im-not-liberal</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1291325/dont-kidnap-im-not-liberal#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 11 Jan 17 09:30:45 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1291325</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[I know a losing cause when I see one so I am jumping ship; I am not going down with this liberal Titanic]]>
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				<![CDATA[I was corrupted by liberal values such as free speech and basic human dignity but I have realised that my desire to not be abducted is much stronger than my desire to speak my mind. I have finally seen the light and I now realise that there is no state in Pakistan but the ‘one true state’. I have even sold all my real estate as to not anger the state.

I would like to issue a full public apology for espousing liberal values. I fully realise that these apologies only work when they are issued by political leaders but it is still worth a shot. Maybe I should grow out my beard first before issuing this apology to give my words more meaning but then again Imran Khan is still alive so maybe it is not the beard that matters.

Activist Jibran Nasir urges govt to arrest admins of 'Pakistan Defence'

It was a mistake to walk out of Plato’s cave – the sun is a lie and I wish to run to the dark underworld. I fully believe the shadows I see are the complete reality and there is no reality beyond the one you show us.

Forget about civil liberties, I do not even want to protect Lahore’s Liberty Roundabout anymore. Please go ahead and build your Orange Line over any heritage site you want. Build a metro bus that runs through Badshahi Mosque. Who needs culture, history and breathable air when you can sit in a metal container to go serve the capitalist system each day?

I suddenly see the value in the government’s economic plan. I do not want to talk about all the farmers you are exploiting and all the land you are grabbing to make Pakistan a better product for your international friends. The only people affected by those are Pakistanis and we are the most dispensable people on earth. Success comes at a cost and as long as I am not paying the price I will start looking the other way.

Millions sacrificed themselves for the creation of this great nation – what are a few more thousand sacrifices to make this nation even greater? You can even say our new state policy is to make Pakistan great again, and I am now fully on board with this plan. I have even bought a big load of duct tape to shut my mouth every time I have an opinion.

Another activist Samar Abbas goes missing from Islamabad

Opinions are overrated anyway. They are not worth being kidnapped over. I do not know when my other stupid liberal friends will realise that. It is ironic that these people speak out for the basic human rights of oppressed communities and now they are the ones being denied those fundamental human rights. There is the flaw in the liberal plan – if they go missing, nobody will speak out for them because they were the ones fighting this lost cause.

I, for one, am a winner and I know a losing cause when I see one so I am jumping ship. I am not going down with this liberal Titanic. I will no longer read Habib Jalib against the text and truly believe that “Cheen apna yaar hai, us pe jaan nisaar hai”. I will even start loving all our leaders and write my own poetry – “Noon league apna yaar hai, us may Chaudhry Nisar hai”.

If you still do not believe in my loyalties I can even make cartoons on MS Paint to show you how much I love this nation. I will go on all Indian Facebook pages and abuse them for being Indian. I will not even appreciate how good a batsman Virat Kohli is anymore. Shahid Afridi has better technique than Virat Kohli.

Equality is a lie; the world is unequal. Liberalism is a lie; human rights have all left. All you have is yourself. Welcome to this Hobbesian nightmare.

In this dog-eat-dog-world, even the actual dogs are not safe. The holocaust of the dogs in Karachi’s DHA is just a rehearsal and now we are in the real Ender’s Game. You can either have an opinion or a life – at least you have the freedom to decide.

HRW urges Pakistan to investigate bloggers ‘abduction’

If I am to be kidnapped, remember me with these completely original uninspired words:

First they came for the dogs, and I did not speak out because I was not a dog (my ex -girlfriend disagrees)

Then they came for the minorities, and I did not speak out because I was privileged,

Then they came for the liberals, and I spoke out against liberals because I was a traitor,

Then they came for the human beings, and I got rid of my spine and became a prawn

Don’t kidnap me, I am a prawn

This article is a work of satire.]]>
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			<title>BBC under fire for 'real ISIS housewives' skit</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1286095/bbc-fire-real-isis-housewives-skit</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1286095/bbc-fire-real-isis-housewives-skit#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Fri, 06 Jan 17 10:19:03 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[news.desk]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1286095</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Video attracts praise and controversy for its satirical content]]>
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				<![CDATA[‘The real housewives of ISIS’, a BBC skit featuring four British Muslim women who have left their homes in the UK to join the Islamic State group in Syria, has stirred controversy online.

The two-minute long clip which is part of a political satire comedy show called ‘Revolting,’ begins with one of the women undecided about what to wear to a beheading. Another scene shows two of the women angry at each other for wearing the same suicide vest. Posted on BBC’s Facebook page, the video attracted praise and controversy for its satirical content with millions of views.

The British want to ban the burqa, poll reveals

"Bad taste, not funny at all," said a commenter, Anna Butcher on Facebook. "I'm sure those who have been affected by ISIS, or [have] been victims of them, or the relatives of those killed in terrorists attacks, won't be laughing?" she added.

A Twitter user wrote, “Constructing an image of Muslim women as oppressed and fond of terrorism at a time of widespread gendered Islamophobia is deeply sinister.”

Woman’s hijab ripped off by two men in busy London street

https://twitter.com/HarryShotton/status/816677964490428416

“The real housewives of ISIS' comedy that the BBC is going to air just isn't right. You can't make a joke out of it... Cause it's not funny,” wrote another Twitter user.

https://twitter.com/KayleighA94/status/816614561872801792

https://twitter.com/agathejagiella/status/816748659673075712

https://twitter.com/UncleMeraj/status/816672501833101312

Muslim sketch creator Faraz Ali described the BBC skit as "poor taste" and running “the risk of making light of the very real and significant problems ISIS leaves in its wake." He said, "For the few documented events where young girls, often under 18, have left the UK, there is no doubt this has been a result of dangerous grooming and misguidance.”

"Making light of this situation feels inherently wrong, almost capitalising on the suffering of these young girls who acted without proper insight,” he added.

But British Muslim comedian Ali Shahalom was one of the many who found the clip "very funny" and not offensive at all. He wrote in a Facebook post,"The sketch ridicules online grooming and draws attention to an important topic.”

Man pushes Muslim woman into oncoming underground train in London

"From what I've seen, it doesn't offend religion. Satire like this highlights the absurdity of those that recruit and get recruited for ISIS," he added. Acknowledging the sensitivity of the topic, Shahalom praised the skit’s writers for taking a bold step to address such a serious issue light-heartedly.

However, according to Warwick University academic Sara Salem, instead of showing how “ridiculous” Islamophobic ideas were, the skit ended up reinforcing such stereotypes. "The trouble with this type of humour is that it ignores the broader context in which it will be revived, namely British society," Salem said.

"While it may challenge some people's conceptions of Muslim women by making light of tropes we hear of constantly, for many others it won't serve as anything more than comedy based on things they already believe in and will continue believing in,” she said. "Not only is it not a challenge to these stereotypes, it is using them to make light of what is ultimately not a very funny situation."

[fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/pg/bbctwo/videos/?ref=page_internal"]]]>
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			<title>Nawaz, Imran and Zardari share New Year resolutions</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1285149/nawaz-imran-zardari-share-new-year-resolutions</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1285149/nawaz-imran-zardari-share-new-year-resolutions#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 05 Jan 17 10:32:18 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1285149</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Here's what Pakistani leaders aspire to do in 2017]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[With New Year comes new resolutions and in an investigative scoop, The Express Tribune has learnt what Pakistani politicians aspire to do in 2017. In a pre-emptive move, before the Prime Minister House issues a denial, we want to state the information was confirmed by two-and-a-half reliable sources and we stand by our story.

Nawaz Sharif

- Stay as the prime minister of Pakistan

- Pray that my pick for army chief be good for me for once

- Eat healthy - I had a heart operation last year and so I should move from five plates of nalli nihari to four plates only to take care of my health and walk at least five steps each day

PM never said London flats were owned by Hussain Nawaz: SC

- Survive the tenure - just one more year left, don’t do anything stupid

- Go to London more often

- Drug Imran Khan to get him to stop bothering me

- Continue not reading news or anything really

Imran Khan

- Finally become the prime minister of Pakistan

- Realise the dream of Naya Pakistan by becoming the prime minister of Pakistan and arrange a dharna from Islamabad to Istanbul

- Challenge Nawaz Sharif to a push-up contest in which the winner will become the prime minister of Pakistan. If that fails, I will challenge Nawaz to a tables, ladders and chairs match. I must get into shape to get ready for the big fight!

- Get third time lucky; come on ladies!

- Drug Nawaz Sharif; send even more nihari to Raiwind

Asif Ali Zardari

- Get 10%

- Be relevant again; now that I am well-rested, I vow to spend at least a minute every day to think about Pakistan

- Stop posting memes against Bilawal Bhutto online

- Stop sending Bilawal Bhutto text messages saying “Abu toh phir mai hee ho”

- Amass even more health

- Consider actually caring about the 2018 elections

- Lend Sheikh Rasheed my moustache wax to show him some class

- Teach Sindhi to Bilawal Bhutto

Altaf Hussain

- Continue violence

- Get in touch with Farooq Sattar; y u no pick up my phone?

- Revolutionise Pakistan, or as I call it Karachistan, in 2017; MQM will return to power and I will rule over the entire country from 10 Downing Street

- Get Skype Pro

Shahbaz Sharif

- Make Hamza Shahbaz the King

- Find a way to make the entire CPEC run through Punjab; there will be an underpasses from Lahore to Beijing

- Get even more safari suits stitched for myself

- Make Pakistan ‘roshan’, or at least install more billboards in Lahore with my face on it

Bilawal Bhutto

- Make Sindh Festival 2017 better than Tomorrowland

- Stop reading text messages from Dad

Confident of victory: PPP chief believes 2017 will be year of elections

- Continue working with a voice therapist and writing the screenplay for the Pakistani version of The King’s Speech

- Get daddy to leave Pakistan

- Get daddy’s friends to like and respect me

Shaikh Rasheed

- Stay single

- Get Imran Khan to do more dharnas

- Make a Guinness world record for most TV talk shows attended in a year

- Buy a better moustache wax

- Make a Guinness world record for most cigars smoked in a year

Mamnoon Hussain

- Exist

- Stay

Pervez Musharraf

- Build a time machine and travel back to when I was the president!

- Go viral in Pakistan by giving Indian news channels more impassioned interviews; my interviews will make me president again

- Travel back in time and win the Kargil war!

Maryam Nawaz        

- Get another million followers on Twitter

- Become even better at tweeting

- Beat Hamza Shahbaz to the Sharif crown

Pervaiz Khattak

- Don’t let Imran Khan find out I am secretly Jamaat-e-Islami, and not Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf

Tahirul Qadri

- Make another trip to Pakistan; I am getting bored

Shah Mahmood Qureshi

- Do a PhD on Game of Thrones to figure out how to get rid of all my enemies and win the great game

Farooq Sattar

- Keep Bhai away

Parvaiz Rashid

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan

Khawaja Asif

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Pervaiz Rashid

Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan

- Be more liked by Nawaz Sharif than Khawaja Asif

This article is a work of satire and fiction]]>
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			<title>Here’s what Nostradamus predicted about Pakistan in 2017</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1281803/heres-nostradamus-predicted-pakistan-2017</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1281803/heres-nostradamus-predicted-pakistan-2017#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 02 Jan 17 08:19:02 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1281803</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[A recently-discovered ancient scroll reveals what the famous seer prophesied about the Islamic Republic]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Archaeologists have recently discovered an ancient scroll in the ruins of the Mayan civilisation titled ‘17 things that will definitely happen in Pakistan in 2017’ allegedly written by Nostradamus himself. The exact text of the scroll along with an expert analysis on what the prophecies mean has been reproduced below:

17. Posters will go up asking for a man to come back

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: REUTERS[/caption]

Thank you #QamarJavedBajwa does not have the same ring to it as #ThankYouRaheelSharif. If Raheel Sharif is to contest the 2018 elections, he will win by a landslide.

The most 'googled' people in Pakistan in 2016

Maryam Nawaz may be tweeting thinking the storm is over but she is not paying heed to Catwoman’s predictions. “There is a storm coming Mr Sharif. You and your party members better batten down the hatches, because when it hits you’re all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

16. I see containers, containers everywhere

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

Nobody could understand what Nostradamus meant centuries ago as containers were not even invented back then, but we got a glimpse of the dystopian future in Islamabad last year.

A year in Pakistan cannot be completed without at least one dharna. We do not have public parties or mass celebrations anymore. Our best bet to come together and dance is at a PTI dharna.

15. Coke Studio will move to the north of Islamabad

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: WIKI[/caption]

Strings have no plans to move their studios so experts have not figured out what this prophecy means. The place it refers to may be Bani Gala but no one can decipher how there could possibly be enough concentration of coke at Bani Gala for Coke Studio to take place there.

14. Borders will seize when DP and HS come together

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: FACEBOOK[/caption]

Humayun Saeed is convinced that this prophecy means Deepika Padukone will star opposite Humayun Saeed in his latest Lollywood movie, Jawani Phir Nahee Anee Part 2.

Jawani Phir Nahee Anee may just be a prophecy in itself for Humayun Saeed.

13. There will be a spot that will be fixed

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

Guess Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif are returning to our cricket team.

In doldrums: Pakistan's relations with its neighbours in 2016 

12. The dead will walk the earth – after retiring as politicians

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

It seems like Qaim Ali Shah and Mamnoon Hussain will go for a walk. Mamnoon Hussain is also the favourite to win the best Mannequin Challenge award for 2016.

11. Everything belongs to the Sun



Experts believe that it was a typo on the part of Nostradamus and what he meant to say was everything belongs to the ‘son’ and the daughter should get nothing in inheritance.

The Council of Islamic Ideology agrees with this explanation of the prophecy. Feminists will continue to complain about this absolutely fair and unprejudiced law.

10. Love shall prevail

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: PUBLICITY[/caption]

Dude love will make a return to the WWE and win the Hell in a Cell match at Wrestlemania against Badshah Khan, the first Pakistani to be a part of WWE.

The match will only take place after Islamic clerics declare fighting against the Undertaker haram for any Muslim.

Dude love will be declared a kafir after his victory.

9. The Chinese will rule the world

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

The China–Pakistan Economic Corridor will definitely be a success. There will be a McDonalds at Kund Malir. Everyone will be forced to buy ice cream from there before they can use the bathroom after a day at the beach.

8. Humans will learn how to talk to animals

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: ZORAL NAIK[/caption]

It seems like talks with the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan will resume after all.

7. All taxes will be abolished

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

This seems more reasonable than some of the things Imran Khan says at his rallies.

6. A man will become lucky the third time

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

Imran Khan is hoping he becomes the Prime Minister at his third attempt.

Other people are hoping it just means he gets married again and has something to do for most of the day.

5. A monster will rise from the sea

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: REUTERS[/caption]

Nawaz Sharif will finally transform into his true self and rise from the C. The ‘C’ here stands for corruption.

Everyone will say no to him so the monster will feel dejected and go back to hang out with his best friend, Cthulhu.

4. A biblical plague will descend

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: REUTERS[/caption]

Experts are warning Pakistanis not to start torching minority communities and the term biblical is only used as a point of reference and is not to be understood literally.

3. The men will be vanquished down under

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

Australia will whitewash Pakistan in both the Test and ODI Series.

Top 10 incredibly stupid things Pakistani politicians said in 2016 

2. The great wall will crumble

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: AFP[/caption]

Pakistani men will continue to deface every public wall they can get their hands, or anything else, on.

1. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="625"] PHOTO: REUTERS/EXPRESS[/caption]

Be it judicial commissions, Panama Leaks or dhandlee, Nawaz Sharif and Imran Khan will continue playing their little dance throughout the year. Whether it is the year Imran finally manages to “Yes He Khan” or it is another “Year of the Sharifs?” the only thing that’s certain is news channels will continue getting high ratings pitting the two against each other.

And unlike the Harry Potter saga, this story is not ending anytime soon. Unless of course, prediction number 17 comes true.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Restaurant review: The day I found a dead mosquito in my food</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1269107/restaurant-review-day-found-dead-mosquito-food</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1269107/restaurant-review-day-found-dead-mosquito-food#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 20 Dec 16 11:16:45 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Food]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1269107</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[I am new to this Facebook group; I just joined because my friend got free pizza after complaining about a restaurant]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Hello,

I am new to this Facebook group. I just joined because my friend got a free pizza after complaining here so I have joined in hopes of getting the same. I would like to thank the creators of this group for giving us an opportunity to exploit businesses. I know they probably created it just to promote their friends’ restaurants and make money by promoting food that nobody actually likes but still.

Please don’t criticise my language skills. I am not here to give my SAT – I just want my free pizza. My English may not be that good but it is still better than my morals.

Also, please don’t add me on Facebook. Unless, you are a girl – provided you are not a girl who just wants a slice of my free pizza. Only looking for true love; I cannot stand people who lie just to get free food.

Claws out on social media over Chai Wala's 'suspicious meat'

So, yesterday was the most special day ever for my family. After going hungry for weeks we finally managed to save enough money to celebrate the birth of my four children, my father’s birthday and my spouse’s promotion. We had to sell the fifth child just to get enough money to eat out.

We went to the restaurant and noticed right away how rude the staff was – they said we would have to wait for the table as other people were sitting and eating food. If a restaurant cannot cater to the demand by having 45 tables on standby then why are they operating a business anyway?

We finally got seated after 45 minutes. The waiter who took our order did not even compliment me on how gorgeous I was looking. He did not ask about the wellbeing of my fifth child – I sold my child for this restaurant and they did not even have the decency of asking about him. I miss you Babloo!

The waiter said our order will be here in 20 minutes but it took 21 minutes and 27 seconds. People win millions on AXN on the show Minute to Win It and the restaurant made me wait 87 seconds unnecessarily for my food. I am never coming to this restaurant again.

The food itself was cold, all of it – the ice cream, the cake, the cold drinks, the juices, the icicles,  even the vegetables, it seemed like they refrigerated their vegetables instead of just picking them up from the thalaywala outside. Way to not support your local farmers, shame on you restaurant!

Forget India-Pakistan, Okra and Mews are already at war

We ordered two burgers, four pizzas, six rice dishes, nine gravy dishes, 15 chicken karhais and 61 chicken tikkas. The food was just okay. Somehow the six of us managed to eat all of it but right as I was about to pick up the last French fry on the table, the entire world came crashing down.

There was a mosquito on my French fry - a dead mosquito on MY French fry. And I know what mosquitoes are because I swat them away all the time when there is load shedding in the summers.

God forbid if I had just swallowed that French fry, I would have died of dengue. The restaurant doesn’t care about what they are doing to their customers. This also proves that Punjab Food Authority Director Ayesha Mumtaz was a drama and she was sent by India to only target pro-Pakistan restaurants.

I also have pictures to prove the existence of the mosquito. As you can see the food from all the other plates has been absolutely wiped clean except that one last French fry strategically placed on the plate. That is the French fry with the mosquito. Had we known we would find a bug, we would not have eaten the ton of food we all did before that. God only knows how many insects we consumed tonight.

Was a man denied entry into high-end Karachi eatery for being on a motorcycle?

We will never go to the restaurant again and I am posting this review here because I know all of you care deeply about what restaurants my family visits. I strategically chose this restaurant because I know it is not owned by one of the friends of the owners of this food group. Just to make sure they do not delete it I am going to write something like “I know the admins might delete it because this is the truth”.

If they do delete it then I will start a conspiracy against the food group itself. Nothing can stop me from getting my free pizza.

Let me just tag the restaurant at the end so that they know how desperate I am for that free pizza but I do not want anybody else to know that I am so let me just end this by saying:

And I am not writing this to get free food. This is about my health and the health of my children. I will never take my children again to that restaurant even if they pay us to eat there.

‘BBA grad’ waiter assaults customer at Lahore eatery

*Followed by exclamation marks ad infinitum*

Two days later…

After posting my review here, the restaurant got in touch with me and they asked us to come again. All the food was perfect and the service was the best ever.

The best part was when we asked for the bill at the end, they said it was all on the house. Would definitely recommend going to this restaurant and I am going to bash another restaurant here soon so they also give me a free meal. This food group is the best!

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>This script reveals the truth about Panama Leaks</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1242897/script-reveals-truth-panama-leaks</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1242897/script-reveals-truth-panama-leaks#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 24 Nov 16 09:03:32 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1242897</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[With Bollywood movies banned we needed some entertainment in our lives]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Three things in Pakistan are certain: death, corruption and an Imran Khan dharna. Each year after the season of Coke Studio concludes and Imran Khan has no more coke studio to watch he decides to throw a party in Islamabad. At this rate I would not be surprised if DJ Butt also owns several offshore companies from the money he has amassed.

Panamagate case: Babar Awan as lead counsel runs into opposition

The word on the street now is “Panama Leaks”; billions of people from infinite universes descended upon Islamabad a fortnight ago screaming in unison “Leak Nawaz Leak”. It’s surprising no corporation has jumped on the trend to come with a slogan that says, “Panama Leaks but we don’t”.



Imran Khan was not able to win the elections in 2013, or topple the government in 2014 or 2015, but 2016 will be his year. It will be exactly 24 years after his World Cup Victory, it has been written in the stars. Imran Khan saw it himself after listening to some Coke Studio.



PTI contests the Sharifs bought properties in London in 1993 and not in 2006 as they claim. Imran Khan obviously is not corrupt because he is still making a living out of the $3,086 billion prize money he received for winning the world cup in 1992.

Little known fact: As per the constitution of Pakistan if a Pakistani cricket team captain wins the World Cup he has a legal right to own the soul of every Pakistani for eternity. It has to be an ODI World cup though and not a T20 world cup, this is why Younis Khan is making a living post retirement by selling makayee chanay (corn kernels) in Mardan.

Imran plays truant in lower house

PTI has so much evidence that the country has run out of paper. Evidence is being submitted in court now written on toilet paper. It is therefore a good thing Pakistan uses Muslim showers.



Panama Leaks have rocked Pakistan into action. The country will unite to fight against corruption by creating a Facebook group online where PTI supporters will also celebrate a Hilary Clinton presidency and share pictures of their pet unicorns.

Imran Khan is fighting for us like a cornered tiger – without any sense or logic. He contests that he is doing this for the people of Pakistan and that he is a man of the people. “I will give everything I have for the poor people of Pakistan,” Imran told the media from his 350 canal house worth Rs750 million.

PTI lead counsel Hamid Khan recuses himself in Panamagate case

The nation watches with bated breath as some of the richest people in Pakistan accuse some of the other richest people in Pakistan of stealing from the nation.

Peasants across the country agree with the side that exploits them for their support more. The entire labour force working at Jahangir Tareen’s sugar mills definitely stand by Jahangir Tareen and Imran Khan for all the hardships faced by PTI leaders due to economic stratification in Pakistan.



According to Panama Leaks, when questioned about the Sharif family’s offshore holdings Hassan Nawaz declared them wrong and said, “This is a very religious family”. All the Sharif family has to do now is submit their reply in court stating they got all their money from God and anybody who claims otherwise will commit blasphemy and go to Jail. Hassan Nawaz should then thank his grandfather and Ziaul Haq and go to sleep.

After hearing Bilawal Bhutto speak and literally sound like Benazir Bhutto, I thought no other child could do such a good impersonation of their own parent, but watching Hussain Nawaz stumble to find words on national television made me think Nawaz Sharif drank the elixir of life and became 20 years younger.



The court drama is set to eclipse OJ Simpson’s trial. PTI has picked wisely. Who better to run a comedy trial than a comedy show host?  Naeem Bokhari may be the only person who has managed to host a show on Geo News and join PTI.

Imran Khan said, “Geo walay durr jao par Naeem Bokhari idhar aao.”



The Sharif family has also changed their lawyer after their first legal team allegedly told them even the Justice League and the Avengers combined cannot defend you.



The Qatar family gave money to Nawaz Sharif for ensuring the 2022 World Cup bid goes to Qatar. Fifa might be the only organisation more corrupt than the PML-N.

Imran upbeat despite anxious moments

The nation hailed the Qatari prince as a hero when it was informed that Sheikh Hamad Bin Jassim bin Jaber Al-Thani was coming to Pakistan to hunt bustards. The nation rejoiced thinking it would finally be able to get rid of its politicians. However, the information that the houbara bustard was a migratory bird was not well received by the people.

Let’s be honest though, for a few flats in London, most of us would not only let a Qatari prince kill migratory birds but let him hunt immigrants for fun. We can always make more people but property in London is scarce.

If we can sell our people to America for the war against terror, who’s to protect birds in this country? No one cares about endangered species no matter what the WWF says; we literally grew up eating pandas for ice cream. And most us hate the WWF anyway, in school they gave us a spelling test and made us pay them for the torture.

I, for one, would like to thank Imran Khan. With Bollywood movies banned we needed some entertainment in our lives and the Panama case has provided exactly that.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Hillary takes a leaf out of Imran Khan’s playbook</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1226655/hillary-takes-leaf-imran-khans-playbook</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1226655/hillary-takes-leaf-imran-khans-playbook#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 10 Nov 16 09:08:35 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1226655</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Hillary Clinton refuses to accept election results and promises to do a longer dharna than Imran Khan]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Early Wednesday morning Hillary Clinton graciously accepted her loss and urged Americans to unite behind president-elect Donald Trump to ensure a smooth transfer of power. Watching democracy work was surprising to many Pakistanis but one man, conveniently snuggled up in a blanket in Islamabad, wanted to do something about it.

Defying all odds, Donald Trump becomes 45th president of the United States

We have received information from confirmed sources within our imagination that yesterday evening a call was made from Bani Gali to the Clinton headquarters in New York. Hillary’s receptionist picked up the phone and transferred it to Hillary under the impression that an actor from Bollywood had called her. What followed was a 27-minute direct conversation between Imran Khan and Hillary Clinton in which Khan outlined a strategy for Hillary to follow to ensure a path to the White House. After the phone call Hillary was seen pacing around repeating one word over and over again: Dhandli.

DJ Butt has flown to New York in an emergency special flight to aid Hillary’s campaign. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is already working on his new song, “Saaf chalee shafaf chalee, pant suit pahen kar Hillary chalee.”

In a stunning turn of events, Hillary has rescinded her concession and is now looking to force the Supreme Court to open the four key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Plasma for a re-vote. Hillary told the reporters, “If Trump is so confident, why does he not ask the Supreme Court to open four halkay? Milk will be milk and water will be water if we just open four halkay.”

After a reporter told her that the United States of America is not Pakistan and the executive and the judiciary are separate and independent, based on tricameralism and separation of powers, and the President cannot just ‘ask’ the Supreme Court to do something, and that metaphor means nothing to common Americans, and what language is “chaar halkay", Hillary accused the reporter of working for GEO News.

List of things Trump has pledged to do on first day as president

Hillary has urged all her supporters to lock down Washington and she will be personally leading a long march to the White House. Obama managed to escape to join Hillary Clinton. Obama was being held by the secret service but he got rid of them by hitching a ride with a Pindi boy on a motorcycle. After joining Hillary’s march, Obama climbed up on her motorcade and screamed, “Trump I told you I will come, I have come.” And then pulled out a Cuban cigar he smuggled into America after visiting Cuba.

Obama, Hillary and DJ Butt have all now managed to make their way outside the White House screaming, “Hillary aah nahee rahi, Hillary agayee hay.” Hillary has promised not to leave, she told reporters, “Mai yahan say nahee Hill-rahi.” Tahirul Qadri is also flying in from Canada to join the protest.

Hillary tells supports there is no way she could have lost. Everybody on her Facebook was voting for her.

Day 2

The entire Democratic Party along with their supporters is now permanently stationed outside the White House calling it “Hillary Clinton ka dharna”. The supporters are constantly chanting “Go Trump Go” and Obama told their followers, “I pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving but I will not pardon Trump. Qurbaani say pehley Qurbaani hogi.” Michelle Obama woke up and looked outside the window to wonder why Obama was outside the White House and not inside as he was still the President. Why go to your job in the Senate, Parliament or the White House, if you can party all night with your friends to the music of DJ Butt?

The WWE ring announcer has also been hired to announce the names of all democratic leaders as Faisal Javed Khan’s US visa application was denied.

FOX News is reporting that there are just six followers at the dharna and MSNBC is reporting 65 million people. Sean Hannity reported a Trump victory at 2:00pm on Election Day and FOX News aired Trump’s acceptance speech at 5:00pm before any results were even tabulated. Rachel Maddow showed hundreds of videos showing rampant dhandli at the polls; at one polling station in New York Trump forced his way inside and stamped a million votes with his name. Trump later found out that all voting was computerised in the USA and he just wasted hours needlessly just stamping his own name. Trump replied, “Wrong. You wasted your time. I give myself a million votes each morning. Bigly. Huge. ISIS. Bang Bang. Ching Cho Chong Chong. Crooked Hillary.”

Day 3

Mysterious posters have been put up all around Washington overnight with the face of Chief of Staff of the US Army, Gen Mark A Milley, plastered over them with the text “Ab toh ajao,” urging Milley to impose martial law in the USA. Hillary Clinton has emerged wearing a white cloth over her proclaiming that she is ready to die. Obama is asking his staff to start digging graves in the Rose Garden at the White House. There is a heavy contingent of police force – most of whom are Clinton and Obama’s own security detail.

What impact will US elections have on Pakistan?

Some supporters broke into the offices of C-Span, only to find out nobody works there and nobody in America watches C-Span.

Day 4

Trump appears on television to address the nation. He blames the dharna on Canada and promises to drag crooked Hillary on the streets and asks the nation to change his name if he does not fulfill the name.

Day 5

The Democratic Party urges Hillary Clinton to end her dharna.

Hillary Clinton says the Republicans and Democrats have done a mukmukka to keep Hillary away from the White House.

Day 6

Hillary Clinton says, “Umpire kee ungli uthnay wali hay.”

Reporters remind her that nobody in America plays cricket or gets any of her references.

Day 7

Hillary Clinton ends dharna and accepts the results.

Hillary Clinton tells her supporters she has finally won. The dharna was a success.

Day 77

Hillary gets bored and starts the dharna again.

Day 78

Hillary Clinton ends dharna and strikes a deal with Trump.

Hillary Clinton tells her supporters she has finally won. The dharna was a success.

Day 145

Hillary gets bored and starts the dharna again.

Day 146

And repeat infinitum.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Pakistan belongs to Imran Khan</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1223250/pakistan-belongs-imran-khan</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1223250/pakistan-belongs-imran-khan#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 07 Nov 16 08:38:38 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1223250</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[His name even rhymes with the name of the country]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[The day urban dwelling Pakistani teenagers have waited for more than their own prom is finally here: Imran Khan has won Pakistan. This is bigger than the 1992 World Cup victory, so much so that it makes up for Pakistan losing the 1999 World Cup final but not the 1996 World Cup quarter-final because nobody will ever forgive Aamir Sohail for that. That act by Aamir Sohail was the most arrogant thing done by a cricketer till Imran Khan declared he would clean sweep the elections.

Shaken but undeterred PTI rethinks strategy

Unlike Aamir Sohail’s prediction, Imran Khan’s prophecy has actually come true. November 2 will always be remembered as the day Imran Khan finally became the Prime Minister of Pakistan.

What does the Prime Minister do but lie to a nation and pretend every defeat is secretly a victory? All a Pakistani Prime Minister has ever done is promise a lot and deliver nothing. Imran Khan has finally joined the list of our Kings of Nothing and marched to the parade ground in his new Emperor’s clothes, in front of millions of people.

With gusto and raised fists, Imran snickered at the crowd, proud of himself for pulling out the troll of the season. It is a surprise Ashton Kutcher did not jump on to the stage and shout ‘PUNKED’ at trillions of people.

If you had the audio up, you could almost hear Imran Khan whisper to Sheikh Rasheed, “I can’t believe they fell for the same thing again.” Rasheed smiled and nodded back, “At least I got a viral video out of it.”

The billions of people gathered at the PTI rally cheered on their supreme leader. If every Pakistani is equal to a hundred Indians then there were at least one hundred million people at the rally. Islamabadis stayed up after 9:00pm just for the rally that might be PTI’s biggest achievement to date.

I wish I was one of the gazillion people gathered at the parade ground so I could see my Kim Jong Imran live. If he can do push-ups at the age of 65, I am sure he can single handedly block any nuclear bomb directed at Pakistan. He is not Imran Khan, he is Super Khan. He might not be the chaiwala we deserve but he is the chaiwala we need to defeat India’s chaiwala, Narendra Modi.

Ready for action: ‘Don’t you dare arrest Imran Khan!’

Super Khan is the only person who cannot lie to his people, who throws a party open to everyone every time he is bored, who ensures everybody comes over to his house for a party and then serves no ice cream. He knew there was no point in him coming out of the house and being arrested because that would have meant suffering and who wants to suffer when you can have fun at home?

If I had built a fortress of solitude in the mountains, I wouldn’t get out much myself. The only problem is every PTI supporter now knows how to break in to Bani Gala but obviously Imran Khan will never disappoint his supporters and deliver every promise so he has nothing to fear from them.

Nelson Mandela got arrested for his cause, Fidel Castro fought a revolutionary war, Imran Khan did a push up – he will forever be remembered as one of the greatest leaders of all time. If a man can win a World Cup with a Pakistani cricket team then he can do anything. I cannot wait for Misbah-ul-Haq to become President in 2018.

Imran Khan has basically won Pakistan; if Hamza Ali Abbasi with all his intellectual prowess supports him then there can be no logical reason to be against Super Khan. Hamza Ali Abbasi is the man photoshopped as Superman, so who better to know about superheroes than him?

Imran Khan has stood against corruption like he stood against everybody who said Imran please don’t marry a second time, like he stood against everybody who said Imran please don’t drag the dharna for a hundred days, like he stood against everybody who said Imran please don’t alienate Javed Hashmi, like he stood against everything Imran Khan believed in before he entered politics. Where is that guy who said, “Mai Sheikh Rasheed ko apna chaprasee bhi na rakho?” Clearly, he is not becoming the new Prime Minister of Pakistan.

I am a Pakistani, and Pakistan belongs to Imran Khan. His name even rhymes with the name of the country. I will always remember the day Imran Khan won Pakistan and I have written a completely original poem to celebrate the occasion:

PM Nawaz defaming army, claims Imran Khan

Remember, remember, the second of November,

The dharna, treason and plot.

I know of no reason,

Why the Dharna treason,

Should ever be forgot!

Imran Khan and his companions

Did the scheme contrive,

To blow the Sharifs and PML-N,

All up alive.

One bottle, and sugar below,

To prove Panama papers overthrow.

But, by Angel’s providence, Nawaz they catch,

With a Supreme judgment, lighting a match.

Holla, boys! Holloa, boys, make the bells ring,

Holla, boys! Holloa boys! God save the King,

Hip, hip, hoor-r-r-ayyy.

&nbsp;

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Pakistan doesn't need Starbucks</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1209520/pakistan-doesnt-need-starbucks</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1209520/pakistan-doesnt-need-starbucks#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 26 Oct 16 09:23:12 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1209520</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Seriously Starbucks, what is Chai Tea latte and why is it worth $7?]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Like an international cricket team, Starbucks has stated they have no plans of coming to Pakistan, officially proving it is funded by a conglomerate of RAW, MOSSAD and Zayn Malik haters.

Starbucks you are very non-Pakistani. If you open a branch here, couples will use it as a dating spot. We do not want young people to be falling in love. We want teenage boys to become disillusioned and turn to violence and we want teenage girls to get married. If you open a branch in Pakistan, I will personally make sure I send Maya Khan there each day asking for everyone’s nikkahnama because we know no married couple leaves their house without their original documents.

Starbucks says no plan of opening store in Pakistan

Even your logo is against the basic ideology of Pakistan. For one, it has a woman on it. For two, she is not wearing a burkha. For three, her parents married outside of their own family. This is why she turned out to be half woman and half fish. We do not have mermaids in Pakistan because maids in Pakistan cannot ever be anything cool.

There is Starbucks in India; no true Pakistani would want to be associated with a brand that makes money from India. Even if Starbucks coming to Pakistan adds revenue to our economy and creates jobs for our people, we should ban it just to show the world we can compete against India. We can just change the name to make it sound more Pakistani and open branches in Pakistan anyway. What are they going to do, sue us in our own courts? If anyone ever got justice in Pakistan’s court system then why would we have all these problems to begin with?

Espresso yourself! Japan perks up to ‘sexy’ coffee

Seriously Starbucks, what is Chai Tea latte and why is it worth $7? Chai is Tea, you cannot just name an item twice in different languages. You can’t just call your brand in Karachi Starbucks ‘SitarayRupay’, you cannot open a ‘shop dukaan’, sell ‘food khana’ and serve ‘people log’.

Starbucks, why would we even want you to start selling us coffee? We are quite happy with our chai and very satisfied with our chaiwalas. Are your baristas’ eyes bluer than the photoshopped eyes of Arshad Khan?

Our chaiwalas do not even need gimmicks like writing names on cups to sell the product. People in Pakistan cannot even spell Coke, what do you think will happen when they will be required to write Durr-e-Shahwar and Seema Butt on coffee cups? Nobody wants their coffee with ‘Durr hay shalwar’ and ‘See my butt’ written on them. Even worse, nobody wants to shout that out in a coffee shop to tell them their coffee is ready.

The only reason I still have a job is to be able to afford and spend the monthly average household income in Pakistan on branded coffee so other people at work think I am cool. Honestly, I do not even like coffee but there is nothing six spoons of sugar cannot fix. My order to my barista is basically a cup of sugar with some coffee and milk in it.

Pakistanis prioritising Starbucks coming to Pakistan are like the Starbucks Uncle.

They want to enjoy a cup of coffee as the world around them is being engulfed in water. The picture of the Starbucks Uncle is a great metaphor for life in Pakistan; you know you will eventually drown and die so why don’t we read the news till our head stays above water?

Life in Pakistan is basically ‘This is Fine’ Meme. So Starbucks you do not need to come to Pakistan, we will be fine without you.

US warns of ‘Starbucks attack risk’ in south Turkey

Oh, I just saw the news Popeyes Chicken might be coming to Pakistan. Scratch all of that; let’s use our entire national GDP to make this happen.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Let’s move to India</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1203331/lets-move-india</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1203331/lets-move-india#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 19 Oct 16 12:08:27 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1203331</guid>
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				<![CDATA[All I am saying is that I really want to watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil!]]>
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				<![CDATA[If you like India so much, go to India. If you like pizzas so much, go to Italy. If you like Donald Trump, go to hell. Basically, just go. I am sick of the traffic on Shahrah-e-Faisal and the waiting time at Kolachi; why are more people not leaving this country?

I have seen the show Last Man on Earth and they look like they are having so much fun. If I was the Last Man in Pakistan I could finally get a girlfriend.

My ancestors did not pick up all their belongings and move slightly to the west 69 years ago so that one day I have to stand in line to get tickets to watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. Fawad Khan and Ranbir Kapoor fighting over the same girl is the very embodiment of the two-nation theory. Ranbir and Fawad are two separate people from every definition therefore they should have a separate movie. If starting a war with India can get Fawad Khan back to Pakistan then all the sacrifices will be worth it.

Pakistani cinemas not to screen Indian films indefinitely

If I cannot get tickets to that movie then I would rather have all Indian movies banned in Pakistan. Did we ever think about all the poor hardworking DVD store owners who make their money illegally by downloading somebody else’s art onto a DVD and selling them for a profit before these movies can be screened legally, making legitimate businesses money and increasing the government’s tax revenue? No, you just think about yourself, don’t you Alina? If I cannot watch another Bollywood movie with you Alina, I will never watch another one again, and nobody else will as well. While we are at it, can every potential guy that Alina likes also be sent to India please?

Look at how well our local industry was doing before we allowed Indian movies to be screened. There were no multiplexes and we came out with a movie every three years. I did not have to pretend to be sick to cancel all these movie plans. There is too much pressure now to try and keep up. I, for one, am glad that I will not be spending Rs500 on a box of popcorn ever again. Watching Humayun Saeed pretend he is 25 is excruciating enough on its own.

We know Bollywood is RAW’s secret weapon to impose Indian ideology onto Pakistan. They make movies like Bajrangi Bhaijaan to lure us into thinking that human beings live on the other side of the border, whereas we all know there are no people living in India, only Indians. If there were human beings, they would have migrated to Pakistan in 1947. Look at Salman Khan’s body, there is no way he is a human being. Aamir Khan even admitted to being an alien in the documentary PK.

Why have a multiplex where you can watch movies from around the world in Karachi? If you want to watch a Hollywood movie and a Bollywood movie on the same day then you better be ready to fly to India first, watch the movie then fly to America to watch the other one.

ADHM in trouble? Indian cinema owners officially boycott films with Pakistani actors

Why have restaurants where you can get different cuisines? If you like Chicken Manchurian so much, move to China. Look at how successful China is. Do you think they got there by giving their people freedom?

Look at how successful the British were in Pakistan with the same land and the same people pre-Partition. We have now sucked the work ethic out of those people by giving them the Internet. Every Pakistani child is now more apt at bypassing proxies than they are at working in the fields.

There is only one way to get these children out of the comfort of their homes and on to the fields to work: cyber bullying. Every troll online telling every child that they are an Indian agent, Jewish Illuminati member and RAW-is-WAR lover are doing the country a service.

Kids, you might like Big Boss on Colors channel today but think about the biggest boss you will have to answer to on the Day of Judgment. No person who has ever watched Star Plus will ever be allowed into heaven. What would you rather go to heaven or keep up with Parvati’s fourth failed marriage?

It is time Pakistan is taken over by Pakistanis. This country was made for people who want to be here and not people who want to mooch the country’s resources, then also look at Ranbir Kapoor’s dreamy eyes on YouTube. It is about time we play the break-up song for all of them: These channa are not mereya.

All I am saying is that I really want to watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil! #Trump2016

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>The need for satire</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1200198/the-need-for-satire</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1200198/the-need-for-satire#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Sun, 16 Oct 16 17:25:36 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Mohammad Taimur Ali Ahmad]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1200198</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Political satire is nothing new to this region. Akbar Allahbadi and Manto masterfully employed satire in their works]]>
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				<![CDATA[The tension has been building up for the past few years now. Conceited intentions were always threatening to cut through the seams of dialogue. Gifting pink turbans and saris — even the optimist could see it was too good to be true. It was only a matter of time that the hyper-nationalist ideologies on both sides reclaimed their dominant position.

Both sides suffer from the same fate. The establishment is in full flow: valiant statements are fed for breakfast on a daily basis, images of military prowess shared and of course, the calls for unity. This, in no way, understates the remarkable maturity and restraint that has been show by Pakistan till this point. But getting into these debates is always a tricky process. Lines are blurred, emotions heightened and fear preyed upon. Perhaps, most importantly though, silence is mistaken for consent, and the space for constructive skepticism and countering hyper-nationalist dogma is lost. However, this silence is not always a result of ignorance but of failed attempts to have some sort of rational discourse that is not submerged in toxic ideologies. Rather than arguing with those on the extremes, which we all know is futile, and wearing ourselves out to the point of frustrating hopelessness and resigned acceptance of the status quo, there needs to be an alternate outlet for those who recognise the absurdity of the situation.

This hope is offered by the growing trend of political satire that is permeating into the farthest corners of society on the back of social media. Amongst the raging jingoism, some blessed souls have taken it on themselves to poke fun at the current state affairs, not in a way that trivialises the seriousness of the matter, but provides, if nothing more, a break from the bombardment of sensationalised news and propaganda. It is a reflection of the fact that not everybody is fully indoctrinated and the space for discourse does exist, if provided the right platforms.

Political satire is nothing new to this region. Akbar Allahbadi and Manto masterfully employed satire in their works, a legacy acclaimed author Mohammad Hanif continues to uphold, along with the infamous musings found in The Friday Times. What we are seeing now, however, is an evolution of political satire given the technology boom. Maybe not everyone has access to satirical literary works, but a vast majority do spend their hours on social media, using it a source for much of their information. Social media personalities such as our infamous comedian from Dubai, along with other Facebook pages, are offering a different, more in touch with the reality of masses, opinion of events and highlighting the nonsensical mainstream discourse. Therefore, similar to the growing trend in the post-Arab Spring Middle East, satirical content created by the common folk, often without the creator being known, is becoming increasingly popular as a means of venting frustration and providing some much needed skepticism.

Instead of being a primarily elite tool in the hands of the highly educated, and hence, used to further a specific agenda, the ease with which humorous content can now be created and spread makes it an invaluable tool for the otherwise silent. Creating memes and writing satirical content on social media offers a voice and a channel to those who want to avoid slipping into the pit of ideological debates and just want to get their message across. It cuts across social and national divisions by appealing to humorous side that is within most people — though not all, sadly — and allows them to escape the chains of their internalised beliefs. Only through humour and tragedy can people truly overcome their self-created divisions; the latter is too risky an option. Satire, however, humanises those on the other side and reveals that at the end of day, we are similar when it comes to our mundane daily lives, our trivial worries and our severe social dysfunctions.

Granted, this does not translate into actually debunking people’s beliefs systematically, but what is does do is perhaps even more powerful: it makes one laugh at one’s own self, even if just for a fleeting moment. In moments of such hype and tension, we often find security and purpose, unconsciously, in shifting towards extremes and vociferously defending what we believe we hold dear. Through political satire, that illusion is broken and we can recognise that our beliefs are not as air-tight as they seem, and this opens a little gap in which skepticism can foster in individuals. Since this is an individual and organic process, it avoids the troubles of following a predisposed agenda.

Just like any other tool, political satire is not always neutral and can be co-opted as a means of promoting propaganda under the veil of humorous criticism. Therefore, it is not a substitute for alternate means of voicing criticisms and taking a stand, but it must be recognised as an important corollary to other efforts.
At the end of the day, the question is not about who is right, as much as it about an absence of discourse. Rather than only hyper-nationalists and extreme liberals having a go at each other and polarising society, the disengaged and disenfranchised masses in the centre can use political satire and other non-confrontational means to make themselves heard and not let their silence be mistaken for consent. In the words of Dante, “The darkest place in hell is reserved for those who maintain neutrality in times of crisis.” 

Published in The Express Tribune, October 17th, 2016.

Like Opinion &amp; Editorial on Facebook, follow @ETOpEd on Twitter to receive all updates on all our daily pieces.

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			<title>PIA Passengers: Why the airline got what it deserves</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1166999/pia-passengers-airline-got-deserves</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1166999/pia-passengers-airline-got-deserves#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Sun, 21 Aug 16 07:46:47 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Shehzad Ghias]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1166999</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[PIA should clarify that the staff does not belong to everyone if they don’t want us to treat them like public...]]>
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				<![CDATA[My ancestors did not pack up all of their belongings and move slightly to the west just so that one day we could all be colonised again, this time by the Pakistan International Airlines.

Last I checked it was still called PIA, and not East India Company Airlines. Our country is full of brave patriots who do not take oppression lying down. We revolted in 1857 when the British forced us to bite cartridges with pig and cow fat. We lost, and we let the British have another 90 years free but that is beside the point. We will not let PIA take away the basic fundamental rights of Pakistanis.

12 staffers of PIA arrested in heroin case

I was shocked when on a recent trip I was harassed on a PIA plane by the airline crew. I could not understand if I was a Pakistani in Pakistan or a Muslim in Trump’s America, when the air hostess came to my seat and said, “Sir, you cannot smoke on the plane.”

I gave her the most logical answer possible to ensure she understood that obviously I could smoke on the plane. I told her, “This is Pakistan”. She said, “Technically, this is European air space.”

I could not believe my ears. It was extremely inappropriate of the staff to infringe on my freedom and personal liberties. It is not like I was standing in the middle of the aisle and smoking. I had taken all adequate precautions by putting a blanket on top of me before lighting the cigarette. Next thing I know she was not even letting me roll on the food tray.

The British are back, this time in purple uniforms. Noman Ansari did not know he was designing clothes for a militia. Why fight for freedom when we cannot even smoke cigarettes in Pakistan? Cigarettes are not a luxury, they are a necessity. Anybody who watches the news in Pakistan is quite ready to die and leave this world but suicide is too hard.  There is no cheaper way to slowly kill myself each day than cigarettes.

PIA’s seventy-year-long descent

PIA wishes to take that away from me as well. I had no option but to trash the entire plane. The only legitimate form of protest is destruction. I used to not have electricity for four hours each day so I burned down the transformer. Now the problem has been solved, I do not have electricity all day.

PIA is run from our taxes. I remember paying some tax a few years ago so I own PIA. I was only taking back what was rightfully mine. Every Pakistani knows public property in Pakistan is like a wall in Karachi; no matter what you say or write, somebody is sure to pee on it someday.

I had to do the same to protest against the airline. It should not have been a problem for them to clean it from the aisles. After all, their name has ‘pee’ in it. As a Pakistani man, whenever I feel something belongs to me all I want to do is beat it up. This is why I divorced my wife before things escalated when she said we belong to each other. I am like a kid who only builds a Lego structure to kick it down.

We have built PIA, now it is time for us to kick it down. If PIA was truly Pakistani, why is it flying in the air instead of running W-11s on the streets for the average Pakistani?

Before the flight, they announce that PIA is a national asset that belongs to everyone but they still make me buy a ticket before getting on. If I have paid for a ticket I have a right to try to recoup the entire cost of the ticket by eating food on the plane worth an equal amount. There is no reason for the air hostess to shrug when I ask for the 567th glass of coke on a 60-minute flight. The airline should really clarify that the staff does not belong to everyone if they don’t want us to also treat them like public property.

It is their job to clean up after us. Why else would they give us food if they do not expect us to throw it everywhere? It is none of my concern if the next flight is delayed because the plane needs to be sterilised. If they do not take away my food tray as soon as I am done, I am going to throw it into the aisle and go to sleep.

PIA’s premier service set to take off

And the worst form of tyranny on the plane, seat belts. They are literally tying us down to our seats. I, for one, will not be oppressed like this. The seat belt does not go around my tummy anyway, even if I wanted to. I have 20 hacks to ensure my car does not beep when I do not wear a seat belt, so why would I wear one on a plane? If I did not want to die, why would I travel via PIA?

Somebody people will compare me to is Rosa Parks for saying ‘No’ to seat belts. I just read that someone had already made the comparison. It is right there for everyone to see in the previous line of this paragraph.

I was also told that PIA only lets the first 50 people off after the plane lands. This explains why before the plane has even landed everyone starts jumping over each other to get their luggage and run out of the plane. I had to kick an old lady down to jump ahead of the ‘Que’.

Thankfully, somehow I made it out of the flight safely. Although I do think all of us on the plane wanted a mass suicide because as soon as the plane started its descent, everyone’s phones started ringing. I am sure telling Shafiq Mamu you were in Karachi five minutes sooner was worth jeopardising the navigation system of the entire plane.

Overall, I would rate my experience zero stars. The only upside was that I could take the lotions, shampoo, slippers, head phones, pillows, blankets, seat covers, seat cushions, coke bottles and the life jackets home after the flight.

I was able to sell all of them and actually make a profit on what I paid for the ticket. No idea how PIA expects to make a profit with this business model.

The article is a work of satire and fiction.]]>
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			<title>Shaukat Thanvi: A cultured satirist</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1147834/shaukat-thanvi-cultured-satirist</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1147834/shaukat-thanvi-cultured-satirist#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Sat, 23 Jul 16 15:54:22 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Farrukh Kamrani]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category><category><![CDATA[Art and Books]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[Shaukat Thanvi’s pen seems to hesitate from becoming ‘outrageous’ in its intensity, incisiveness and force]]>
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				<![CDATA[Despite hundreds of years of man’s so-called independent inquiry, answers to many fundamental questions have remained elusive. And among these is also the question about the mystery surrounding the emergence of a grand literary creation.

While so many would argue in favour of individual talent, Muhammad Hasan Askari believes in a literary tradition.  According to Askari, all great artists become ‘great’ due to the literary experimentations and linguistic contributions of dozens of other people — both their predecessors and contemporaries — who pave way and create groundwork and atmosphere for a grand literary work.

If we take this as a rule of thumb, we may venture to conclude that without the satirical and humorous writings of Shaukat Thanvi, we may not be able to see Mushtaq Ahmed Yusufi’s work reach such zenith of perfection as it reached in his magnum opus Aab-e-Gum.

However, this rather controversial statement does not mean that Thanvi’s writings now only have a historical significance. Judging on their own merit, they still have an attraction and flow that makes them highly readable, if not exceedingly humorous.

In fact Thanvi’s essays, first published more than half a century ago, are a must-read for all those want to learn the art of writing a simple, idiomatic and easy flowing ‘Lakhnavi’ Urdu. However, this is not the only merit of this old master.



Thanvi’s work presents his satirical and humorous outlook on life. An outlook that highlights people’s individual and collective contradictions, follies, failures and foibles but it does this in a very mild and ‘cultured’ manner — a quality also pinpointed Qurratulain Haider.

Some of his essays in Mazameen e Shaukat Thanvi: Mizahia Mazameen ka Intikhab present the humorous dichotomy between idealism and reality – the contradiction between the high-sounding claims of the freedom movement leaders and the actual chaos after independence or Allama Iqbal’s ideal youth and the actual new generation.

He also creates humour through anachronism at one place by imagining how a political jalsa would have taken place in Lucknow if its princely status had survived. However, in most of the essays, Thanvi finds something to laugh about in the day to day incidents and regular people.

On the down side, his prose has the fault of repetition, a problem which probably stems from his habit of writing too much without finding time for an editorial review — Thanvi was a prolific writer and apparently authored around 60 books.

Even in this rather smallish collection, one finds three essays revolving around the same idea of feigning illness to ward off filial responsibilities or criticism. The same element also troubles in a few stories (his essays often narrate an incident) in the form of constant repetition of certain words or phrases.

His art apparently also lacks a sustained beauty. He seems to reach a certain height at certain parts of his essays but a few of them nosedive by the time they reach their end.

On the whole, one gets the impression that his art is tilting more towards satire rather than humour.

But whether it is primarily satirical or humourous, Thanvi’s pen seems to hesitate from becoming ‘outrageous’ in its intensity, incisiveness and force. This apparently is the hesitation of a cultured mind. But to a reader, who has lived and breathed Yusufi’s world, this mode of writing does not seem completely satisfying.

Title: Mazameen e Shaukat Thanvi: Mizahia Mazameen ka Intikhab Compiled by Muhammad Tahir Qureshi

Publisher: Oxford University Press, Pakistan

ISBN: 9780199402649

Price: Rs350

The writer is a staffer at The Express Tribune

Published in The Express Tribune, July 24th, 2016.

Like Life &amp; Style on Facebook, follow @ETLifeandStyle on Twitter for the latest in fashion, gossip and entertainment.]]>
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			<title>Take a bow, Qandeel Baloch</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1074340/take-a-bow-qandeel-baloch</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1074340/take-a-bow-qandeel-baloch#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 30 Mar 16 08:19:27 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Saad Saud]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1074340</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[For long The Emperor of Hindu Hearts consciously desisted from naming and shaming]]>
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				<![CDATA[Dear diary,

For long The Emperor of Hindu Hearts consciously desisted from naming and shaming.

Aqalmand key liye ishaara kaafi hota hai. However, exceptions need to be made at times. Especially when a spade ought to be called a spade. And first up is who else but Pakistan’s very own Qandeel Baloch. Yours truly had been bereft of the privilege of witnessing the damsel in distress’s antics till a scintillating 'teaser' was proliferated across social media. Managing to wrest the limelight from an India-Pakistan cricket match — and how — is no small feat. Miss Baloch, please take a bow.

Hindu extremists attack PIA office in New Delhi

Unapologetic, indomitable and vivacious. With her antics, QB has secured a place in the exhaustive list of Pakistan’s “other women.” Aur toh aur her disarming diction — replete with gems like — “public city” and “perposul.”

Just between you, me and the four walls though, these Pakistanis are such simpletons. All it takes is a tease to arouse their ghairat. Wonder where this godforsaken ghairat was while Bacha Khan languished in prison, 90,000 lion hearts laid down their arms in Dacca and its leading “scientist” had his hands full with trading state secrets for pots of greenbacks.

In other news, a certain soldier turned president turned patient turned exile turned messiah has bid adieu to Pakistan for good. God bless the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N). No point in kicking a dead horse. How hale and hearty does he look though, fine cigar in tow?

What a pathetic sight it is to witness the Pakistan Peoples Party staging nationwide, I mean, Sindh-wide, protests against Musharraf’s departure in a dismal attempt to revive its flagging fortunes. When in office, present a guard of honour.

Once out, cry foul. Weisay, just between you, me and the four walls, was not Zulfikar Ali Bhutto the protégé of a man famously remembered for musing that democracy did not flourish in warm climates? Kehte hein once bitten twice shy but him toh naa tabahi. Hoodwinked Mujibur Rahman, prevailed on Yahya Khan and voila. A vivisected Pakistan with Raja Dahir at the helm of affairs.

Artists throw weight behind Shafqat Amanat Ali

Separately, highlight of the fortnight: Shafqat Amanat Ali doing to the Pakistani national anthem at Eden Gardens what Indians do to English.

Yours truly,
Bal.

The article is a work of satire and fiction. ]]>
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			<title>Bositive About Al-Bakistan</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1061606/bositive-about-al-bakistan</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1061606/bositive-about-al-bakistan#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 09 Mar 16 09:02:31 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Creative: Aamir Khan]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1061606</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA['Fasten your seatbelts and brace yourself as The Emperor of Hindu Hearts takes you on a journey of bositivity']]>
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				<![CDATA[Dear Diary,

Just as our eastern neighbour had started basking in the reflected glory of a string of positive developments come marching in the party poopers.

Particularly vituperative is the flak its foremost filmmaker has been drawing for having the temerity to highlight a 'negative' aspect of the nation and win laurels for it. Ram Ram!

As a noted proponent of a school of thought committed to transforming Hindustan into another Al-Bakistan, it is incumbent on me to highlight all what “bositive” has been taking place across the frontier.

So, deviyyon and sajjonon, fasten your seatbelts and brace yourself as The Emperor of Hindu Hearts takes you on a journey of bositivity:

4. Bangladesh stun Pakistan to reach final ... 

Bangladesh does to Al-Bakistan on the cricket pitch what the Mukti Bahini did to “the world’s best military” in 1971.



3. 4th grader  impregnated by teacher in Larkana ... 

“This is not prevalent in our society. It is peculiar to the West,” no maulana opined ever.



2. Police rescue 9-year-old girl from wedding  ... 

Because incarcerating parents of child brides for one month and fining them $10 suffices.

1. Ahmadi man killed in broad daylight ... 

Commencing 2016 with a veritable stab. Because cultural violence is so passé. #RisingTolerance

Yours truly,

Bal.

The article is a work of satire and fiction. ]]>
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			<title>'Hindustan may soon morph into Mullahdives'</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1057056/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts-3</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1057056/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts-3#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Tue, 01 Mar 16 09:36:21 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Saad Saud]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1057056</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA['My heart goes out to Ali Sab-Par-Bhaari when I witness the Bakistan Beoples Barty’s gradual descent into...]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Dear Diary,

Just when you thought you will manage to escape by a hair’s breadth— bal bal bach gaye —Bal is back to what he does best.

What else but educate, enlighten and entertain. While my comrades seem to have their hands full with transforming Hindustan into a Hindu Rashtra, the situation across the frontier looks grim, if not downright dismal, for my Bakistani best friends. What an ominous time to be a fanatic there. The former Punjab governor’s self-confessed assassin has been sent to the gallows, arguably its most celebrated film-maker has secured another Oscar and the Bunjab Assembly has passed the landmark women protection bill.

Shiv Sena activists ransack Pakistan-India exhibition in Dehradun

Waisay, one needs to hand it to the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) government. Employing exemplary sagacity, it has executed the nation’s alter-ego — I mean the mullahs’ hero — in a leap year. What does that entail, you query? Four years less of mullahgardee! Kher, all one needs is an Azma Bokhari to render such elements speechless.

Pakistan: 3 Fundos: 0. Just between us though, if things keep on continuing as they are, very soon, Al-Bakistan might just become a first-rate Hindustan while the latter might morph into another Mullahdives. Minus the beaches, resorts and droves of honeymooners, obviously.

In a parallel universe, the Lahore Social Pageantry Festival (read literary) commenced and concluded amid a formidable display of Dhakai Jamdani sarees, geeky spectacles, designer waistcoats, high heels and bored husbands. A little bird tells me that one-time envoy Strawberry Rehman was extremely interested in learning what the audience had been smoking when a youngster (rightly) drew a parallel between Narendra Modi and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. “What have you been smoking Strawberry?” a self-awarded award-winning journalist associated with a “leading’’ (but poorly-edited English daily) was overheard quipping after hearing her rather unconvincing reply. Among other gems, Strawberry presented Peepla Income Support as a remarkable social transfer programme. True that it has been executed so effectively that its former chairperson is reported to have permanently transferred base to the United States of America.

Hindu extremists attack PIA office in New Delhi

Waisay, Strawberry ought to be commended for remaining faithful to the party line. Defending a bygone best remembered for his foul lexicon, botched land reforms, debilitating nationalisation, unashamed mullah appeasement and his ignominious role in dismembering Al-Bakistan is no easy task.

My heart goes out to Ali Sab-Par-Bhaari when I witness the Bakistan Beoples Barty’s (BBB’s) gradual descent into oblivion though. Such a travesty of fate. It is Bhaari’s misfortune that he was born where he was. Had he been a first-world citizen, Bhaari would have been recognised as what he is—a statesman of lofty standing—courtesy his acumen.

Yours truly,

Bal

The article is a work of satire and fiction. ]]>
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			<title>Bal Thackeray: The Emperor of Hindu Hearts</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1047245/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts-2</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1047245/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts-2#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 15 Feb 16 08:58:53 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Saad Saud]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1047245</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Bal is back! Only a personage of my stature can posthumously elicit such sustained vitriol or unashamed devotion]]>
			</description>
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				<![CDATA[Dear diary,

Bal is back and how! Only a personage of my stature can posthumously elicit such sustained vitriol or unashamed devotion.

A little bird tells me that a certain Chopra (who was crowned Miss World in 2000 despite telling judges that the one living person she truly admired was— the by then deceased—Mother Teresa) has been going great guns. Mark my words, this woman is on a roll.

After garnering rave reviews for her stellar performance in Bajirao Mastani and (actually) making waves in Hollywood— quite unlike another certain Miss World’s forgettable innings there—she is slated to lend her voice to Marvel’s Pakistani-American superhero Kamala Khan.

Priyanka Chopra lends voice to Marvel's Pakistani superhero Kamala Khan

Have been stuck in a conundrum since then. To protest or not to protest. I’ll excuse her since she’s Hindu. Maybe an audience with Uddhav and a (coerced) donation will suffice.

Meanwhile in Delhi, tis the season for Padma awards. Among those set to be awarded (read rewarded) are Poppadum Kher—for playing second fiddle in B grade flicks — and Madhur Dramakar for giving Bollywood some of its finest films in the form of Calendar Girls (2015), Heroine (2012), Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji (2011) and Jail (2009). After all, cheering Modi and the National Democratic Alliance (NDA) government does not reap rich dividends, said no one ever. Also, it does not hurt to be the better half of a sitting Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) MP, does it?

Poor Poppadum though. He’s fast becoming controversy’s favourite child. Just when twitteratis had gotten done with having a field day over his Padma faux pas, he claimed that he was not issued a visa by the Al-Bakistani High Commission in Delhi. Krestfallen Kher (rightfully) pointed out that Hindustan has been much more forthcoming when it comes to granting Bakistanis visas. So desperate they are to get here. Some even managed to set sail from Karachi and bring Bombay — I mean Mumbai — to a standstill.

Anupam Kher lashes out at Pakistan govt after visa refusal

Just when the world had forgotten the carnage, viola, another few managed to sneak across the border and end up in Pathankot. Such bravado! Anyways, everyone knows that Al-Bakistan only grants visas to sickulars like Nandita Das, Kaifi Azmi, Shabana Azmi, Jagjit Singh, Kalki Koechlin, Dilip Kumar, Shamsur Rahman Faruqi et al. Just between us—all one needs to do is a bit of hanky panky in any of Al-Bakistan’s neighbouring countries to enjoy lifetime visa-free access to the land of the pure.

Struggling to make sense of all the hullabaloo regarding Hymn For The Weekend. Is a mere video presenting a romanticised idea of Hindustan enough to rile us? As far as appropriation is concerned, our culture is too plural, eclectic and contradictory to be appropriated by anybody or anything.

Coldplay video sparks Twitter outrage over Indian stereotypes

A source informs me that yours truly remains extremely popular in Al-Bakistan. Feel humbled. What is Al-Bakistan if not a primer on the perils — I mean upsides — of enshrining Hindutva. We want to do to our non-Hindu compatriots what Al-Bakistan has exactly wreaked upon its Ahmadi, Sikh, Hindu and Christian citizens!

Yours truly,

Bal.

The article is a work of satire and fiction. ]]>
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			<title>Bal Thackeray: The Emperor of Hindu Hearts</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1035801/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1035801/bal-thackeray-the-emperor-of-hindu-hearts#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Fri, 29 Jan 16 09:52:01 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[Creative: Aamir Khan]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[World]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1035801</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[Very rarely do the people of the Indus pay tribute to as divisive a figure as I on their birth anniversaries]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[Dear Diary,

Very rarely do the people of the Indus pay tribute to as divisive a figure as I on their birth anniversaries.

Among those who eulogised me on the occasion was the prime minister who reminisced about the many memories he has of me (on Twitter). Extremely magnanimous of him. Takes one to spot one.

Most just remember me as the bigot of Bombay (read Mumbai). Some, mostly dwelling in the insular world of Bollywood, as a benevolent autocrat. A coterie of imbeciles, on the other hand, as Hindu Hriday Samrat — The Emperor of Hindu Hearts.

Shiv Sena activists ransack Pakistan-India exhibition in Dehradun

But alas, love me or hate me—one simply cannot ignore me. Not many a people have been able to leave an indelible imprint on arguably the nation’s foremost state. I, the samrat, have been there, done that and gotten a trishul for it. It is no small feat my dear readers, to wrest power from the communists, imbue a communal colour to a cosmopolitan urban agglomeration and entrench ethnocentricity in parochial politics over the span of a single lifetime.

PS: Who the hell does this “award-winning” writer Nayantara Sahgal think she is when quipping that she’s waiting for Khujaraho’s nude statues to be covered? Like uncle (Jawaharlal Nehru) like niece. Bloody sickularists. Every Trisha, Dhanush and Hari knows that rising intolerance does not fittingly encapsulate lynching, pillaging, intimidating and slaughtering others. I mean they are simply misunderstandings.

Hindu extremists attack PIA office in New Delhi

In other news, the Pakistani ghazal maestro my sainiks chucked out of Bombay (read Mumbai) is being courted across the land. Just look at his temerity. After being unceremoniously barred from performing in the city he is all set to make his Bollywood debut in Ghar Wapsi! As if we have already not had enough of Award Wapsi!

Ecstatic to see Uddhav finally come of age though. The son is most definitely following in the footsteps of the father. Has any other mainstream politico called for the implementation of the Uniform Civil Code and the construction of the Ram Mandir in Ayodhya since the National Democratic Alliance (NDA) ascended to power? Crestfallen with the typical Sanghi conduct of our senior coalition partner. Canvass for votes in the name of development and relegate the “core issues” while the rank-and-file pine to see the Hindu Rashtra rise. I know I know Uddhav forgot to mention Article 370 but give him some leeway. Everyone knows that the only dispute we have with Al-Bakistan is over the status of Azad Jammu and Kashmir.

Separately, if news reports are to be believed, the two lead actors of Rohit Shetty’s Dilwale are dejected with the poor response of the public to the film. Well, what goes around comes around. Does the reigning badshah of Bollywood think he can get away with passing remarks on rising intolerance?

Shiv Sena demands cancellation of Kasuri’s book launch in India

Just for the record, we were not opposed to Dilwale per se just as we are not opposed to Mahira and Fawad Khan for being Pakistanis. There was a deliberate attempt on part of the film’s makers to elicit a reaction. After all, what is rang de tu mohe gerua if not a pot shot at the Hindu right. That is exactly what we have been aspiring to do since long—colour India—I mean Hindustan saffron!

Yours truly,

Bal.

The article is a work of satire and fiction. ]]>
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			<title>Satire: Popular culture predictions for 2016</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1019645/satire-popular-culture-predictions-for-2016</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/1019645/satire-popular-culture-predictions-for-2016#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 31 Dec 15 14:55:36 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[news.desk]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Life &amp; Style]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=1019645</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[From Ayyan’s biopic to Shaan’s patriotism, here’s how some forthcoming events may pan out]]>
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				<![CDATA[Predicting the future is a fashionable currency these days. With curtains drawn on the year that was, we fetch our grand old crystal ball from the attic and look at seven things that could happen in the months to come.


Ayyan will sell biopic rights for millions



The year was all about supermodel Ayyan. Be it the tense thrillers that her arrest and bail turned out to be or the media’s reporting on the issue that reeked of sexism and objectification. No matter what you make of it, the Ayyan saga will continue to unfold well into the New Year and very soon, a film-maker will approach her with a fat cheque … to be paid in dollars, of course.

Jami will make a film on ‘how to make a film’



Moor is undoubtedly new-age Pakistani cinema’s magnum opus. The sharp execution of a strong script, accompanied with visual spectacles, cemented Jami’s identity as the country’s finest film-maker; no wonder the movie is making the rounds at film festivals across the world. A comparison with his contemporaries suggests it is time Jami holds master classes on film-making or, better yet, make a film on ‘how to make a film’. What better to discuss over a Sunday evening cup of tea … or a bottle of fizzy drink?

Year of festivals comes to a close

Shaan will start selling patriotism certificates



Shaan is one of the most versatile actors in the industry, who has either played a gung-ho jutt, a law-enforcement officer or both in each of the 576 odd films he has done so far. The year 2016 will see the acting giant start a private limited company that will sell certificates of patriotism. It will be compulsory for actors mulling prospects of working across the border to obtain NOC from the firm before proceeding.

Cricketers will take over film and music awards



Both Pakistani cinema and cricket have begun to germinate once again. New films are coming out left, right and centre, and the country’s first-ever professional sports league is being initiated, making it necessary for reciprocation by award and launch ceremonies to honour and promote local talent. Just to maintain a balance in the universe, the next time film or music awards are put together, we will find actors and film-makers, such as Shoaib Malik, Umar Akmal, Sohail Tanvir, and their beaus take the front seats and cricketers, such as Fawad Khan, Ayesha Omar and Ali Azmat, sit right next to the exit … right beside the biryani table. As for Shahid Afridi, wasn’t he always on the other side?

Zoe Viccaji and Ayesha Omar will bring home the Grammy



Two of the brightest music talents in the country, Zoe Viccaji and Ayesha Omar, will team up to piece together a cover album of Ustad Baray Ghulam Ali Khan’s thumris. With Pakistani best album awards already in their drawing room showcases, they will head to the Grammy’s and bring home the accolade.

UFC will air designer clothes sales



The next time we know there’s a sale at one of the designer outlets, Ultimate Fighting Championship will be airing live feed for mixed martial arts enthusiasts across the globe. What better than monetising hormonal clothing fetishism and extracting healthy entertainment out of an annual ritual?

Govt will slap ban on sponsored music



After successfully keeping YouTube out of our reach, the government will initiate a historic move — slap a ban on companies making fizzy drinks, SIM cards and coffee from ‘manufacturing’ Pakistani music. Sources say the defence ministry is already drafting a bill to be presented in the Lower House … indeed, defence against this exploitation is vital. The bill adds making tributes, covers, honouring folk music and pushing them down the people’s throats will be punishable by law.

Published in The Express Tribune, January 1st, 2016.

Like Life &amp; Style on Facebook, follow @ETLifeandStyle on Twitter for the latest in fashion, gossip and entertainment.]]>
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			<title>Three hospitals and medical college to put up a fight against merger</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/97110/three-hospitals-and-medical-college-to-put-up-a-fight-against-merger</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/97110/three-hospitals-and-medical-college-to-put-up-a-fight-against-merger#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 30 Dec 10 21:51:32 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[mahnoor.sherazee]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category><category><![CDATA[Sindh]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[Sindh Medical College students do not want to lose Dow university affiliation.]]>
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				<![CDATA[Three key federally-run hospitals in Karachi are gearing up for a fight against being sucked into the Sindh government as new legislation makes its way to the Sindh Assembly. Also, students of Sindh Medical College who do not want their institution cut off from the Dow University of Health Sciences are planning a protest.

The hospitals in question are Jinnah Postgraduate Medical Centre (JPMC), the National Institute of Child Health (NICH) and the National Institute of Cardiovascular Diseases (NICVD). Their officials met on Thursday to decide a course of action. The issue heated up with news that SMC will be elevated to a university and all public hospitals will be handed over to the Sindh government, as outlined in the 18th amendment. The amendment basically translates into devolution or the transfer of powers from the centre to the provinces.

Meanwhile, SMC, adjacent to JPMC, was also abuzz with activity. The federal government has decided to merge it with Jinnah hospital to make them a university. This would mean SMC would lose its affiliation with Dow. “A majority of students are worried about this,” said a second-year student. A first-year student added: “We have formed a committee called the Students Action Committee and held our first meeting today (Thursday). We are also planning a peaceful protest against SMC’s detachment from Dow.”

According to college records, there are currently five batches at SMC, totalling 1,550 students. Initially, students at Dow obtained their degrees from Karachi University, this arrangement concluded in 2003 when Dow Medical College and Sindh Medical  College came under the Dow University of Health Sciences.

A close aide to President Asif Ali Zardari, who requested not to be named, confirmed that the elevation of SMC and soon after, the transfer of JPMC to the provincial set-up was being pursued. According to the source, the changes, which require a bill to be tabled in the Sindh Assembly, may be done as soon as the next session. “Earlier on, the students protested because they didn’t want to lose their affiliation with KU and now they will protest about losing their connection to DUHS, but the decision has been made,” the source said firmly.

JPMC executive director Professor Tasnim Ahsan, who usually stays away from the media, said that the issue was “too important” and she felt the need to speak out. “This is the only institution that the founder of the nation himself gave his name to during his lifetime,” she told The Express Tribune. “When discussing an institute for basic sciences this [JPMC] is undoubtedly the biggest centre,” she said, adding that its “thrust had always been on post-graduate education” and therefore it certainly deserved to be “first in line for an elevation (to the status of a university)”.

Listing reasons why JPMC should be maintained by the federation, Ahsan said, “Everyone in the hospital works according to a pre-decided provincial quota which ensures that all provinces and ethnicities are appropriately represented.” While there is both political and ethnic activity on the ground there was “no polarisation”, something the administration fears may become an issue should it be stripped of its federal status.

Furthermore, JPMC caters to about 60,000 federal employees in this city alone. Recalling the day Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, Ahsan said Jinnah hospital was the only organisation that remained open. “If the institution is given to the province, it will be divided and lose its edge,” she argued. On the elevation to a university Ahsan said repeated efforts have been made since the initial attempt in 1979. “Ziaul Haq had announced that JPMC would be made a federal university,” she said, adding that former prime minister Nawaz Sharif had reiterated the same sentiment during his tenure as well.

But there is a potential technical glitch: in order to be a federal university, JPMC would have to be located in Islamabad. Ahsan suggested, however, that they open a head office in Islamabad, just like the Urdu university. Jinnah would then have a Karachi campus for which NICH already has provided space. The Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences (PIMS) in Islamabad and the federal intermediate board are other examples.

Of course, there is also the possibility that JPMC be elevated to a university with the name Jinnah University of Health Sciences (suggested by the JPMC administration) but be placed under the Sindh health department.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior faculty member at SMC said if the elevation must take place a clear-cut charter would have to be outlined, keeping student wishes in mind. On the issue of payroll and seniority, the source said they would have to be transferred in full, especially in the case of JPMC from federal to provincial status. “This has happened once before when Dow was being elevated and I hope the same confusion and chaos isn’t caused again.”

“The impression created in certain sections of the media, regarding upgrading SMC as a university and JPMC becoming a constituent part of the proposed university is baseless,” said a JPMC statement. “The recently convened meeting on December 28, which was chaired by Salman Farooqui, principal secretary to the president, did not come to any conclusion. The future of JPMC will be decided after its case has been presented to the ‘Implementation Commission’  constituted by the prime minister.”

Published in The Express Tribune, December 31st, 2010.]]>
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			<title>The Goat-Spy Letters — III</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/68963/the-goat-spy-letters-%e2%80%94-iii</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/68963/the-goat-spy-letters-%e2%80%94-iii#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Thu, 28 Oct 10 22:07:17 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[musharraf.ali.farooqi]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category><category><![CDATA[Art and Books]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=68963</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[And Dajjal would come out riding a very large donkey which will cover a mile in a single stride.]]>
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				<![CDATA[And Dajjal would come out riding a very large donkey which will cover a mile in a single stride, and daily drink dry three rivers and consume seventy orchards of all vegetation large and small. He will have a distance of one mile between his ears. (Miscellaneous Sources)

Dispatch 3

Dateline: Pakistan

Cher Master,

I will not lie to you. Frankly, I thought someone had taken poetic liberties with the description of the donkey I was supposed to procure for you. Well, last night at a diplomatic reception, where I was serving desserts in a waiter’s disguise, I turned a bend and saw the donkey. He occupied a whole table. I stole close and learned that he is a composite animal, made up of a syndicate of public and private individuals. He grazes in the northern forests and drinks from the local water supply (these days one must drink treated water). But the folk prejudice that labels him as a destructive agent is highly unjust. I found him to be a benevolent beast. He does not destroy forests; he only takes wood from there to make furniture and plywood. The water that he takes, he does not merely pass out like his foul detractors: he sells it to the needy at a modest price. If he wished, he could charge plenty for his goods and services as his industry has earned him what is called a ‘monopological right’ on the resources; but he is not greedy. He makes only a subsistence profit and, therefore, must return to work again the next day. At first I was surprised that his fabled anatomical organs — his ears — were not on his person. Then a very respectable lady told me that they have been contracted out. Called hearing posts, they are set up at every mile and erected in the shape of mustachioed men with a burning itch in their unmentionables. I have seen them since. A great sense of silence and security overwhelms one in their presence.

At the reception I also saw for the first time the Lord Chief of the Crows. He arrived garbed in shining Satan black. It is said that at one time he was the very essence of wickedness and a scavenger and a carrion-eater, like the rest of his species. But he underwent a diet-changing transformation when a sword-wielding mongoose climbed into his perch and asked for the Lord Chief’s tail-feathers for his hat. A chance-medley followed. The mongoose forcibly borrowed the feathers, dispossessed the Lord Chief from his perch, and marched away. Immediately, the Lord Chief began cawing powerfully. Hundreds and thousands of crows answered his call. Some came flying, others came riding on the horns of cows. They drove away the mongoose. In time, the Lord Chief’s tail feathers grew again and he regained his perch but the trauma forever changed him. His diet now consists of scribbled-paper salad and crackling-signals pie. It is prepared under the supervision of the qutubs. I took two large platters of each dish to his table. The Lord Chief ate peevishly, but with appetite.

Later that evening I heard rumours that the crows’ proverbial unity has suffered a setback because of magic. All fingers pointed toward the powerful Magician — a mountain crow, sermonising a select assembly of the qutubs in a segregated section at the reception. His presence occasioned all kinds of rumours because he performs the last rites of the dead and the dying and makes evil spirits from their souls. A crow of many talents, the magician has also ghost-written the famous tract called The Constitution of Infamy. But his chief work remains the lesser-known and privately circulated tome, Kavva Tantar (Crow Magic). It contains a number of formulas, all of which require blood sacrifices of the crows. I hear too that it was the Magician who had shown the Lord Chief’s perch to the mongoose in return for some hair from the latter’s tail. I wonder what cunning use he had in mind for mongoose hair?

Got to go. There’s a knock at the door.

Abruptly,

Jassasa

P.S. O joy! The postman brought Master's letter. A quick correction, though, Master: it’s eschatology, not scatology.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 29th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>Corrupted corruption</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/68476/corrupted-corruption</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/68476/corrupted-corruption#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 27 Oct 10 17:57:40 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[sami.shah]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=68476</guid>
			<description>
				<![CDATA[I am gripped by outrage. Even more so, I am deeply insulted. As should you be, by the way.]]>
			</description>
			<content:encoded>
				<![CDATA[I am gripped by outrage. Even more so, I am deeply insulted. As should you be, by the way. If ever there was a time to grab a tire, a bottle of kerosene and a cheap Chinese-made lighter that has a flashlight on the base, it is now. We cannot stand for such an affront! Indeed, we will not stand for it! The time for reasoned critique and civilised discussion is past. Now is the time for action. Join me, my faithful mob, and together we shall commit an act of pillaging, the likes of which haven’t been seen since ancient Assyrian times.

I mean, how dare they? Here we are, working night and day at being corrupt. Indeed, my brow is slick with sweat as I personally toil during my every waking hour in the hopes of ensuring our corruption. We take every democratic opportunity to guarantee that only the most vile and blackened souls sit in positions of governmental power. We prop them up on our broken backs, push their greed-swollen hands in every pocket and give them all the indifference they need to shatter public institutions. Every public office has been stuffed into the shoddily constructed rafters with the most base, bent, bribable, crooked, debauched, double-dealing, extortionate, foul, fraudulent, mercenary and venal sons and daughters of Mammon.

And yet…yet, we rank a miserable, pathetic, laughable and embarrassing 34th on the Transparency International Corruption Perceptions Index. This will not do. This was the year our politicians should have truly delivered us the Corruption gold. What more opportunities can we give them? Or maybe the results are rigged. I demand an investigation! Put Ijaz Butt in charge of it so we can win some extra corruption points. After all, our public offices have truly shone this year (if the pitch darkness of evil can be said to shine). There were floods that they diverted to save their personal property, resulting in hundreds of deaths and thousands displaced. There were relief goods and donations that they plundered like I used to do to my kid sister’s piggy bank. They have paid no bills, given no taxes, abused police resources and all but harvested our organs. But according to the sticklers in Transparency International, this still isn’t good enough to make us the most corrupt nation in the world. What more can we do, I beg to ask?

Corruption is all we have. It is our most defining of qualities now and it is about time we took some pride in it. To be truly corrupt requires an obsessive dedication and fierce single-mindedness that should be admired. From afar maybe, but admired nonetheless. Given the amount of practice we have had and the level of creativity we display, we should be at the point where beleaguered African nations, junta-led hot zones and heroin financed Afghan governments are hiring us as corruption consultants. We should be the standard of corruption that other nations emulate. Our posters should be up in all their bedrooms and our self-destruction guides on their nightstands. Instead, all we can manage is a meagre eight-point rise in the rankings. This cannot do. It simply cannot.

Maybe it’s our own fault. We chose poorly. Enticed by the corruption stats of the president on his Corrupt Official Trading Card and convinced by the simulations we ran of a PPP government’s corruption capabilities in the Fantasy Corruption Leagues we ran, there wasn’t a proper evaluation of the potential for Corruption Fatigue. It is exhausting work, after all, and maybe our elected leaders shouldn’t have indulged in such frenzied crime, crookedness, bribery and nepotism so early in the game. They need to pace themselves better. It’s a long run to the finish line and we spent all the money in our Swiss bank accounts before we could buy any performance enhancing drugs. Next year we will do better (or worse).

Published in The Express Tribune, October 28th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>Me and mine</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/62122/me-and-mine</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/62122/me-and-mine#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 13 Oct 10 18:45:01 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[sami.shah]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[I want to be trapped in a mine in Chile, left alone for two months with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.]]>
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				<![CDATA[I want to be trapped in a mine in Chile. Just lowered down there and left alone for two months with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

As I am writing this, two miners have already been pulled out of the tiny rocky coffin they have shared with 31 other men and hopefully the rest will be pulled out as well. This will, of course, completely put an end to my speculation that only one obese miner would emerge, burping guiltily. They will rise out of the dark hole, blinking into the sunlight, hug their relatives and be put on the same nutritional and exercise recovery packages as astronauts climbing out of a space capsule. Then they will read the newspapers and discover that terrorism is still rampant, environmentally we are one exhaust belch away from melting into human puddles and Lady Gaga is still a celebrity. My advice is to plug up that mine shaft before they can jump back into it.

This is the world we live in. I can’t choose a topic to focus on in this article because there is so much to mock and ridicule and hate that aiming my bile at just one subject feels like a disservice to everyone else. Should I mock the PML-N for threatening a long march in a time when their efforts would be better served helping flood victims? Maybe they can march all the way to a flood relief camp and start working there. Or should I mock the PPP government for overloading our cynicism by appointing a NAB chief who is so blatantly chosen for his sycophancy he probably has a “I heart Zardari” tattoo on his navel? Just days after his appointment he issued a statement that the president’s Swiss bank accounts are empty. Did he spend all the money? Maybe the cash is now hidden away in secret vaults behind paintings in a chateau in France. Can someone check under the mattress please? At least ask for a bank statement.

Nato helicopters bomb our frontier posts while the US scratches its head over why we don’t like it. And we respond by allowing the bombing of Nato trucks with a precision that is disconcerting considering we are supposedly at war with the Taliban.

Our ISI still supports terrorist elements, it would seem, having decided that civilian casualties are outweighed by the benefits of having your own pet terrorists. Can someone please check the math for a displaced decimal point?

The problem is there is no refuge anywhere from the constant noise. The newspapers are depressing and filled with agendas. TV channels have become pulpits for a menagerie of grotesqueries. Every time I go on online I am sexually confused by women telling me where they like to put their handbags. I can’t go for a calming walk without preemptively handing my wallet and cell phone to everyone on a motorbike who passes me by. The bookstores are flooded with Bob Woodward’s latest potboiler that features Pakistan as a collective Bond villain, stroking a cat in a white suit while plotting the destruction of all that is good and pure. “Choose your next witticism carefully Western Democracy, for it may be your last!”

Every old person I meet looks at me with eyes full of despair and guilt, burdened by the knowledge that the nation they are leaving their young in is worse than the one they inherited. Every young person I meet is obsessed with spreading their narcissism into the ether. The world won’t end with a bang, but a tweet.

So lower me down into the mineshaft. Let me sit in silent contemplation for a few months. Let me fill the dark with ideas uninterrupted by the pinging of my BlackBerry Messenger and trilling of my Facebook alerts. There used to be a time when solitary meditation led to enlightenment. I just want some silence.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 14th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>TV journalism's Aafia mafia</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/61232/tv-journalisms-aafia-mafia</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/61232/tv-journalisms-aafia-mafia#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 11 Oct 10 17:35:24 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[fasi.zaka]]>
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			<category><![CDATA[Pakistan]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[Given the ways of the Aafia mafia, it is unlikely to get Dr Aafia back and to help commute her sentence.]]>
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				<![CDATA[Dr Aafia has been hijacked, and not just by the Americans, who had her flown to the US and gave her a dubiously excessive punishment for attempted murder, but by the Pakistani media itself.

Just recently Meher Bokhari conducted a TV programme on Samaa on Dr Aafia Siddiqui, and it was an atrocious attack on the idea of responsible, or even mildly responsible journalism. She opened her piece on the programme with an emotional plea about the “daughter of the nation” and how “time” would ask Musharraf about his actions. Is this journalism or jingoism?

If she had attached sideburns and worn flare pants she would be a shoo-in for deceased actor Mohammad Ali with a shout of “judge sahib!” inevitably coming our way. Guests on her programme were Dr Aafia’s sister, Dr Fauzia Siddiqui, Senator Talha of the JUI and senior ‘analyst’ Zaid Hamid.

Zaid Hamid immediately went off on an amazing tale of why the Americans were after Dr Aafia. He explained that she was a neurologist who had biological weapons’ knowledge that the Americans were afraid of, and that her Indian MIT students were complicit in the frame-up and even went to question her in jail in Afghanistan. I like fiction, but this is too much. Dr Aafia’s two children are in the custody of her family, with one missing, but in the programme the killing of two children was being stated as fact.

To this hogwash Meher Bokhari said nothing, and it looked like she was ready to let things slide until Dr Aafia’s sister said that her sister has a PhD in education, specifically on learning by imitation. Senator Talha then, despite having just heard this, and having been on jaunts to the US on government money to see Dr Aafia in person, said Dr Aafia’s PhD was on lining up “discarded” children.

Again, Meher Bokhari had no interest in correcting anything or playing a responsible role. On a CNBC programme I was on, I mentioned this to Senator Talha when he repeated the same tripe (this was after the Samaa programme), after which a shouting match began where the guests were only interested in haranguing Marvi Memon, who was also present.

In all this, the only voice of sanity was Dr Fauzia. But no one was interested in her because it spoilt everyone else’s agenda. Meher Bokhari kept asking the rhetorical question, “What did Aafia do that cannot be forgiven?” clearly ignoring the issues prior to 2003 when Dr Aafia was on the radar for association with al Qaeda. The UN report never came up.

Zaid wants to use Dr Aafia for cutting off ties with the Americans, Senator Talha for cheap political mileage and Meher Bokhari for playing to the gallery. Dr Fauzia also presented a hypothetically logical reason for why the Americans have done what they have to Dr Aafia. But again, that was of no interest to Meher Bokhari and Co. Why bring logic into the equation? Frankly this particular programme of Meher Bokhari made Fox look good in comparison.

And now, the MQM – for ages not a word about the Aafia case until the Imran Farooq murder. Two pieces of information inconclusively suggested the murder may have been an intra-party affair, the first being a report in The Guardian and the second a vague statement by Scotland Yard. This was followed by a flurry of activity by the MQM for Dr Aafia.

Quite possibly the motive, entirely circumstantial at this stage, is to put the party on an anti-western front, especially with regard to their system of justice. And should things turn ugly in London, the championing of Dr Aafia’s ‘cause’ will serve as the pretext for pursuit of a criminal case – in a western court of law – against the party. After holding a rally for Dr Aafia, Dr Fauzia wryly remarked that it would have been better had it been held years earlier.

To get Dr Aafia back and to help commute her sentence will only be done by a more rational approach. That, however is unlikely to happen given the ways of the Aafia mafia.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 12th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>Time and time again…</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/59248/time-and-time-again%e2%80%a6</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/59248/time-and-time-again%e2%80%a6#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 06 Oct 10 17:55:18 +0500</pubDate>
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				<![CDATA[sami.shah]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
			<guid isPermaLink="false">https://tribune.com.pk/?p=59248</guid>
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				<![CDATA[Musharraf is trying to come back too, but it’s too soon. Now you just seem desperate and needy and that’s a...]]>
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				<![CDATA[The key to making a relationship work is timing. It’s about knowing when to make the first move, when to say “I love you”, when to give some space and when to walk away. Timing, timing, timing. Trust me, I have frightened away many a woman over the years with my inability to appreciate the value of good timing. I misjudged the moment I entered the friend zone, mistimed that all-important first move and (all too often) didn’t know when to give up. There are emotionally scarred women littered across Karachi who would gladly attest to my inability to appreciate the when’s of relationship management. I do, however, take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this tragic deficiency, all of Pakistan suffers from it too.

If the love story between Pervez Musharraf and Pakistan had ended at the right time, it would have been a tale of joy and beauty. Sure things started off weird, what with the whole coup thing. But we didn’t complain too much because it felt … dangerous. Military dictators are a fetish for us. They hurt us, they make us sorry, but that’s what makes them so attractive. Sure Zia was a crazed religio-lunatic who spent more time yelling at us then cuddling but surely this next one wouldn’t be so bad? Right? Maybe? Surprisingly, the risk paid off, for a while at least. Those first few years with Musharraf were glorious. He took care of us, was attentive and protective. He nurtured our economy and liberated our media. He loved us and we loved him for loving us. And if we had both called it quits then, things would have been so different today. But we didn’t. He and us, we stuck in there too long. Once the gloss and shine and newness of the relationship wore off, things started to go the way of all long-term relationships. “You’ve changed,” we screamed. “No I still love you, but I want things on my terms,” he hollered back. Tempers flared. He tossed a chief justice at us and we flung a lawyers movement back at him. Then, with nothing left for each other but anger and resentment, ways were parted. But, because we were scared and just wanted to be held without caring about who was doing the holding, we made the same mistake that all lonely people do and got into a rebound relationship. Maybe it was just our way of getting back at Musharraf, maybe we just didn’t trust ourselves to be alone. But that first person to whisper the right words, whoever it may be, became the next person for us. Now, it’s been over two years in this doomed fling with Zardari. It was never meant to last and was started for all the wrong reasons, but here we are nonetheless, without the strength of will to do anything except make the same mistakes again and see it through to the bitter end. We may want to walk away, but we’re scared that if we do then everyone is going to think we’re the problem. “Can’t hold on to a relationship,” they will mutter in gossiping tones, “afraid of commitment.”

The problem is the alternatives are just as bad. Zardari may be neglecting us but we really aren’t in the mood for the awkward and dispassionate come-ons of Nawaz. Musharraf is trying to come back too, but it’s too soon. The wounds are still sore and the bruises still dark. You can’t reclaim that magic so quickly. We need more time apart. Now you just seem desperate and needy and that’s a turn off.

Maybe what Pakistan needs, in the end, is to be alone for a while. We need to rediscover ourselves before we let anyone else tell us who to be. So don’t call us, we’ll call you. When the timing is right.

Published in The Express Tribune, October 7th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>The Aafia mafia</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/55253/the-aafia-mafia</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/55253/the-aafia-mafia#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Mon, 27 Sep 10 17:40:21 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[fasi.zaka]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[We should be spending money on Aafia's defence simply because she is a Pakistani national in trouble.]]>
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				<![CDATA[About a year ago, I wrote a column that got the ghairat brigade on my case. The gist of the column was that the trial in the US was based on a case of evidence, and lack of, that the US had full control over in the alleged attempt to shoot a US soldier by Dr Aafia Siddiqui. That she would get a fair trial was dubious, plus the case was opportunistic because the US took the easy way out and didn’t prosecute her for her alleged links to al Qaeda but instead for a shooting during a questioning. She was, after all wanted for links to terrorism initially. Then of course, one of the main problems is the US took a third party national from Afghanistan for a trial in their domestic courts.

The offending opinion which got the aforementioned ghairat specialists riled up, which I still subscribe to, is that from what we know Dr Aafia cannot be categorically described as innocent or guilty.

Before she went missing, before the alleged shooting, Dr Aafia was on the radar as an enabler of terrorism. A UN commission described her as a member of al Qaeda, Sheikh Khalid Mohammed gave her name to the US and court records show her as the second wife of an al Qaeda member. One of her uncle’s claims to have met her when she was supposedly in detention in Afghanistan by the US during her missing year’s period. Her ex-husband rubbishes many of her claims, and the family of Dr Aafia won’t let the media speak to her children who can shed light on what really happened.

We should be spending money on her defence simply because she is a Pakistani national in trouble and convicted in a case that is doubtful. But everyone who resolutely proclaims her innocence like most of the political parties in the country do so inaccurately. To argue for due process and greater disclosure is what we ought to be doing because that is what was denied to Dr Aafia, but the evidence to suggest she was or was not a member of al Qaeda does not exist without a shadow of a doubt for both parties.

In her outbursts in court, Dr Aafia let on more than she chose to clarify. Why would she think she could make peace with the Taliban, what connections did she have with them, wasn’t she supposed to be illegally detained in a US prison in Afghanistan during that period preventing that? Or how did she know about more 9/11 type attacks?

I have a friend who works in the production unit of Pakistan’s most watched channels, and she told me an interesting anecdote that when the verdict was announced for Dr Aafia (not the sentencing which has been done separately now) the news team all thought Dr Aafia was not entirely innocent because of other facts in the case, but when they went on air they agreed to do so with the unequivocal line that she was innocent.

I imagine politicians are in the same boat, even if they have doubts, voicing that opinion is almost like a taboo. I suspect it has to do with the same line of logic that causes many to be inadvertent sympathisers of the Pakistani Taliban despite their bloody war against Pakistani citizens. Any overt sense of religious symbolism throws out rationality in a sense of what could loosely be described as “catholic guilt”.

We root for the Taliban because they supposedly lead austere lives and pray five times a day and then unforgivably forgive them for the most immoral of acts, large scale murder. To simply not entertain the idea that Dr Aafia may have been a member of al Qaeda is a reflection of the same thought process.

Dr Aafia doesn’t deserve 86 years in prison for the case in which she has been held guilty, and it’s an absolute travesty of justice that the US will not proceed to demonstrate the evidence that got her linked to terrorism. But, if the circumstantial evidence is true regarding her membership to al Qaeda, then she deserves 86 years and more. Otherwise, repatriate her and let it be.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 28th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>Memorable memorial</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/50303/memorable-memorial</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/50303/memorable-memorial#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 15 Sep 10 18:17:28 +0500</pubDate>
			<dc:creator>
				<![CDATA[sami.shah]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[Critics say in a time of financial crisis billions for the Benazir monument is callous, clearly they lack vision.]]>
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				<![CDATA[I just submitted my proposal for designing the Benazir Bhutto Monument. It has generated a great deal of controversy recently, locally and internationally, due to the fact that $11 million have been put aside as an estimated cost. Critics say in a time of financial crisis, to put aside over a billion rupees for a monument is callous. That this money could have been spent on caring for the poor and the suffering. Critics clearly lack vision. Let’s remember, that money guarantees quality. The Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in London, built to honour the most famous auto accident victim since James Dean, cost a piddling 3.6 million pounds. Critics have described it as being a largely rubbish fountain that fulfills very few of the job description criteria of fountains. By ignoring the needs of the country and effectively raising a middle finger at good taste, the government has guaranteed that, if nothing else, the Benazir Bhutto Memorial will be truly worthwhile and inspiring. Inspiration is the key element here. Nothing raises our spirits and hopes like a good monument. A good example is the KPT Fountain in Karachi. Built at a cost of Rs320 million by the inspirational management of the Karachi Port Trust, it shot a jet of water over 500 feet in the air. Just writing that description makes me all tingly. Karachiites flocked to see this gigantic bidet and bask in its spiritual and emotional glory. Either that or they tried drinking it to see if the money spent on it made it any cleaner than the typhoid that drips from their taps at home. Either way, the fountain is referred to in the past tense because parts of it were consequently stolen.

Keeping these historical mistakes in mind, let me now share with you the proposal I have for the Benazir Bhutto Memorial: the goal here is to insure that the finished work truly encapsulates everything the government is trying to tell us with their budgetary expectations. Therefore, I have recommended the construction of an immense statue of President Asif Ali Zardari. Standing taller than the Burj Khalifa, it will be constructed entirely out of the crushed bones of the victims of the recent floods. At its base will be a reflecting pool filled with the tears of poor people. Initial plans were to have the statue be hollow from the inside so that homeless flood affectees and IDPs could live inside it. However, I decided this sort of utilitarian and humanitarian element to the final piece would be counter to the wishes of the government. Therefore the inside will now house a lavishly furnished multi-storey apartment that will serve as a rest house for members of the government. It will be soundproofed so that the wailing and gnashing of teeth that the ungrateful poor often emit do not assault their delicate ears. To prevent the monument from suffering the same tragic fate that befell the unfortunate KPT Fountain (oh how I miss it!), every policeman and Ranger in the country will be made to form a series of protective rings around it. This may leave the entire population of the country unprotected by terrorist attacks but it will also serve as a constant reminder of the priorities of the government. According to my excel spreadsheet, the total cost of this construction will come to around $9 million. For the remaining $2 million, there shall be a flaming torch placed in the hand of the statue, which will be lit using the cash. The statue will also have flight capabilities, allowing it to serve as a form of transport for the President whenever he needs to make an emergency relaxation trip to his French chalet. On the back, an LED display will continuously loop the text “WHAT IMAGE DEFICIT?”

The alternative design that I am considering submitting is an immense bonfire in which we will burn the hopes, dreams and sanity of the country.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 16th, 2010.]]>
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			<title>Flood? What flood?</title>
			<link>https://tribune.com.pk/story/48129/flood-what-flood</link>
			<comments>https://tribune.com.pk/story/48129/flood-what-flood#comments</comments>
			<pubDate>Wed, 08 Sep 10 21:54:50 +0500</pubDate>
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				<![CDATA[sami.shah]]>
			</dc:creator>
			<category><![CDATA[Opinion]]></category>
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				<![CDATA[First Fasi calls me a cockroach, then George attacks Maula Jatt. Wait, the whole flood thing is still going on?]]>
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				<![CDATA[That whole flood thing is still going on? What do you mean? It’s been, God I don’t know, days since that started. I only just remembered it because someone sent me a picture of Angelina Jolie sitting amongst survivors. First I thought she was one of the affected. Maybe she and Brad had purchased a house in Punjab and she was now stuck in a relief camp while he fought for a handout thrown from the back of a truck. Then I read the caption and realised she was trying to bring attention to the plight of the victims. Well, it certainly worked for me.

Now before you all get angry at me for losing focus, at least consider what I have to deal with. First Fasi called me a cockroach. Then George attacked my hero Maula Jatt. Then everyone decided the most important thing for them to do was to debate what species of insect would best suit us. Then I had to join a Facebook group defending Maula Jatt. Then everyone who has an inch of column space in the newspaper decided the best use of that powerful tool, that can be used to communicate new ideas and drive awareness of important issues, was to defend against a series of polemical rants. Then I demanded they change their passports. Then I defended them because I got confused about what side of the issue to fall on. Then I realised I had spent over a week reading articles and blog posts and twitter updates about an inane issue that matters not a whit on any measurable scale. Then I realised I am part of the problem because I just dedicated an entire paragraph to this stupid topic.

I woke up from the hypnotic haze of duelling op-eds to discover a new YouTube clip doing the rounds in Pakistan. You know how in other countries people love to share videos of kittens falling over and babies sneezing? In Pakistan our YouTube output tends to be a bit different, a bit…darker. We prefer to swap footage of vigilante mobs beating people to death and politicians charged with responsibility and power drunkenly falling over.

The latest video, enthusiastically emailed to me by almost everyone I know, showed a badly dressed British Pakistani counting piles of money as he destroyed the few remaining scraps of dignity our cricket team had left. Personally never having cared for cricket (my inability to coordinate hands and eyes as a child meant I was never included in any teams) I was planning on ignoring this new fiasco. Then I realised it was impossible to ignore something when it is all everyone can talk about.

Finally, just as the resultant debates died down and we all collectively decided that the best person in our team was the same guy caught publicly digesting a ball not that long ago, I opened the newspaper this week to discover the Punjab government was valiantly devoting time and effort into battling the insidious influence of cartoons based on Hindu mythology. Apparently, Muslim children in Punjab can have their entire religious belief system eradicated by animation and the Punjab government was having none of this. All this and Eid is upon us, which means I have to now prepare to avoid hug-hungry relatives.

Terrorists don’t seem to suffer from this kind of Attention Deficit Disorder. They are focused in a way that should be studied. It doesn’t matter how much suffering and misery the country is experiencing, they shall not be swayed from their goal of killing as many innocent people as possible. People that the government seems too distracted to remember to protect.

So you see? Angelina really did come here at the right time. Now that I’ve remembered how millions need all the help and aid we can provide, maybe I will stay focused on the issue this time. At least until she leaves.

Published in The Express Tribune, September 9th, 2010.]]>
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